Melrose Place 1.17 “Sepulveda” Recap

Wow.

After reading this recap, it is your duty to 1) read The People vs. Melrose Place article and 2) scream to the high heavens for Melrose Place to be renewed. That is your homework assignment, your after work special project, a part of your grocery list, whatever, just do it.

Last night set the stage for a season finale like no other. It pains me that the show only got eighteen episodes this season, but if it does get picked up for a second season, I would settle for another eighteen without a complaint in my body nor soul. But I digress… Major plot developments accrued last night and Sydney’s ghost still haunts the denizens of 4616 Melrose Place; and I am sure she is cackling her ass away as she dances on top of the water in the pool. Long live the craziness that is Melrose Place. On to the recap…

The Love Quadrangle That Never Ends…

Riley and Drew sex it up in the pool and discuss Riley’s fundraiser for her school that she proposed to Ben, Amanda’s recent ex. As the two kiss and swim, Jonah comes in the courtyard and immediately puts his frowners on before going to Ella’s place. Later at the fundraiser, Riley worries that her theme, “The Kid In Us All” (or something), is not a hit with the people in attendance. The set up for the fundraiser includes a finger painting board, a bouncy castle, and other childhood gems to name a few. Even the silent auction is a bust, despite one of the hot ticket items being a day on the set of Living in Reverse with Jonah, which Drew thinks is a clear sign that Jonah is not over her. Drew, God Bless his soul, eventually gets the party started right and the money flowing, but he has one last trick up his sleeve, which is auctioning off a date with Riley for charity. The money really starts flying, but Jonah shows up and makes a bid, leading in the huge elephant in the room in the process. The bidding war goes up until Drew can’t match Jonah’s price and as Drew prepares to close the deal, Ella Simms walks her sexy ass in and stuns everyone with a bid of $2000, which wins the bidding war. Oh and did I mention that Jonah’s mouth dropped and shattered all over the place at the sight of his girlfriend watching him bid on his ex fiancee? Yea, it was awkward.

Jonah tries to save face and ask Ella if she is mad, but our girl Ella doesn’t wear her feelings on her sleeve. It would totally clash with her Prada. Anyway, Ella says she did it for charity and that she sees where Jonah’s heart is. I think there was a double meaning there, but who knows?

Riley and Drew eventually celebrate Riley’s success by having fun in the bouncy castle and making out . I smell doom.

The Couple That Shouldn’t Have Ended…

After Chef Marcello acts like a buffoon’s ass in the kitchen by embarrassing employees in front of customers, David tells him to kick rocks. Go, David!!! But Marcello has some pull and takes most of the kitchen staff with him. Uh-Oh… Meanwhile, Lauren gets the third degree from Riley for not answering her calls and hiding from her. After the two establish that all is cool, Riley advises that Lauren go the extra mile and show David how much she loves him. The super short staff at Coal presents the perfect opportunity to do just that as Lauren shows up and takes orders like a pro. But this isn’t enough for David as he insults her a bit here and there, but Lauren is a trooper and she hangs in there.

Ella shows up at Coal to ask David a favor, but he enlists her to help as well. He better be glad that Ella and crew showed up, because one of the patrons is a top food critic and her reviews either make or break you. So the crew of Coal, with the help of Lauren and Ella, start kicking ass in their jobs so they can maintain them and their dignity the next day. When the food critic leaves without anyone telling him, David takes it out on Lauren by saying that he can’t trust anything that she says, because he thought he knew her but clearly doesn’t. Lauren sits him down and explains why she did what she did, which happens to be because of her demanding father who never accepted Lauren for her achievements. See, David? Lauren has father issues, too! You guys have more in common now than you could imagine! Now kiss and make up!

Later, Lauren gets a shock when David shows up at the hospital and wants to read the food critic’s review with her. The critique is glowing and so are the two love birds, who mend their broken hearts and, God I hope, their relationship.

Me Loving Ella Simms Will Never End…

Jonah comes home to find Ella dressed to kill. She uses sex as a weapon in trying to get Jonah to help her hack into the WPK files so she can clear her name in Amanda’s embezzlement scheme. But Jonah is all “That’s wrong…” “Get a lawyer instead…” and I want to throw a book upside his head. Jonah does come through by giving Ella a name of the IT guy at WPK, Gabe, who has the access key on him at all times and without that key, Ella can’t do much hacking. But this is Ella Simms!!! Melrose Place’s answer to LOST‘s John Locke! NEVER tell Ella what she can and cannot do!

Using Jonah’s ‘intel’ on Gabe’s dating habits (the guy is a big online dater), Ella poses as one of Gabe’s recent online matches at a movie theater and tries to woo the geek over by impressing him with knowledge of Battlestar Galactica and the like. Gabe is floored, but his amazement is short lived because he is looking to settle down with someone and Ella isn’t his type. Then I suggest you try another means of landing your future wife other than internet dating, Gabe. I mean it works for some, but not for you. Ella thinks quickly on her feet and dives in for a kiss to stun and distract Gabe while she removes the key off his keychain. That girl got some skills, yall!!!!

After recruiting David to help her break into WPK, the two make their way to Gabe’s office and uses the key only to find that it doesn’t work on certain files. Uh-oh… Ella, not bowing out yet, drags David to Amanda’s office to find anything they can use to clear Ella’s name and use against Amanda. While they didn’t find anything concrete, they do come across a file on Sydney and info on that painting Amanda has been looking for. Ella takes pics for reference, but when will they find out that the queen of mean is broke?

When Your Creative Input Ends…

Jonah has a casting meeting with Carl Heller, the producer who bought his script, and the director of the movie. Heller has to take care of a problem on another set and leaves director and writer alone… Bad move. Jonah spots the director’s copy of the script, which is bleeding from the red inked changes and bootleg rewrites. The director wants to change the pivotal scene of Jonah’s two characters meeting at a Halloween Party to a Valentine’s Day party… War. On.

After enduring horrible acting from a range of actresses, the casting session is over and Jonah feels that none of the girls had the character in their grasp. Then the director suggests that Jonah write some scenes that the actresses can sink their teeth into. Doesn’t the director get that it was the content in Jonah’s script that got everyone on the project their jobs? Jonah argues that he doesn’t want his script to be ruined because the director wants to hire a no talent actress. The director then fires Jonah from the project. WHAT?!!?!?!

After dropping the news on Ella, Jonah declares to fix this fiasco himself. He decides to pay Heller a visit and demand his movie back if they plan on crapping over his hard work. Heller basically tells Jonah that heart and soul doesn’t exist in Hollywood and that the movie is now his and Jonah can just kick rocks. But after the star of film, Owen Anderson, sees the director’s new direction for the movie, he cans the prick. Hell yeah!!! So Heller calls Jonah and gives him the directing gig for his own movie. Talk about dreams coming true!!! But then Jonah sees Riley with Drew. Awwww…. Too bad.

Meanwhile, Ella reveals to Jonah her WPK break-in scheme and Jonah is not happy. But Ella also reveals that she told him, because she didn’t want to lie to him. Ever. So, Jonah, you better take a hint, because if you lie to Ella about your feelings for Riley, then there will be hell to pay. Okay? Good.

Drew, We Hope Your Stint Will Never End!!!

Remember last week when Drew secretly went into the morgue and started cutting on a dead body, well we got an answer and boyyyy is it a career ending doozy!

After losing a patient and fighting valiantly to save him, Drew later enters the morgue and proceeds to take blood from the body. Lauren walks in on him and starts asking questions about his ethics, not in a mean way, but as a friend. Drew says that it is for his hematology studies and that it is highly important that Lauren keeps his secret as he has kept hers. Wow…. That deep huh?

When Lauren is in the middle of making up with David, Drew yanks her away and drops a bombshell. Remember that Michael Mancini is living the high life now for due to inventing that heart valve he has been gloating about all season? Well turns out that five patients that have died in the last couple of weeks have all had the heart valve installed in them and died from a manufacturing error that releases some sort of thing into the patients body. HOLY $%*!!! Drew begs Lauren to help him put a stop to the madness, but does Lauren really want to disturb that wasps nest again???

The Melrose Place Community Letter

– Jonah, admit that you aren’t over Riley and stop playing with Ella’s heart? Please and Thank You.

– Thank God, Lauren and David are back on the up and up. But like Drew and Riley, I smell doom. I mean next week will be a Melrose Place season finale so some couple will be in shambles and I wonder who it might be…

– No Amanda? For shame! But it shows that she really doesn’t have to be in attendance to cause hell, or in Sydney’s case, alive.

– Is it just me or does Riley and Drew seem like a good fit? I think they are a good fit. :D

SEASON FINALE ALERT!!!!!!

The promo for next week was slappingly good!!!! LITERALLY!!!! PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TUNE IN!!!! Tell Your Friends!!!! Your Mother’s Friends!!! Your Therapist Even And Have A Discussion on the Psyche of MP Denizens Past and Present!!! Do EVERYTHING POSSIBLE To SAVE THIS SHOW!!!!! I order you to.

See you next week and hopefully in the fall as well!!!