Dating someone who has children can be a bumpy ride, especially if they’re hell-bent on not allowing you into their lives. Often, even the most difficult kids will eventually come around. But it’s a risk you must be willing to take.
A guy has told us how he’s tried for 6 years to get his widowed fiancée’s children to accept him. He says, despite having the patience of a saint and trying everything under the sun, the kids have made it clear he will never be welcome. He’s now considering calling off the engagement and walking out. But his partner thinks he’s being unfair.
He was hoping to spend the rest of his life with his fiancée and her kids
Image credits: Alena Darmel / Pexels (not the actual photo)
But the children have told people they’d be happy to see him dead
Image credits: Михаил Крамор / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: semenay erdoğan / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Lyinc8988
Image credits: Emma Bauso / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Blending families won’t always be easy, but it can be very worth it in the end
There are many reasons children might not like or accept their parent’s partner. Perhaps they’re protective of their mom or dad. Maybe they feel threatened by a new person in the family. They could be scared of change and worried that they’ll lose attention or love.
But many experts believe that no matter how strained or difficult things seem at first, it’s not impossible to get to a smoother and happier place. The key is open communication, mutual respect, lots of love, and patience.
The first step is recognizing the child’s feelings. Start by sitting down with your child and having an honest conversation about what they feel and why.
“Listen carefully to their concerns,” advises the team over at Bryan Fagan Law. “Sometimes, just feeling heard can make a huge difference in how they perceive the situation. Ensuring your child feels valued and understood can help ease their fears.”
You should always respect your child’s feelings, even if you don’t agree with them. “Acknowledge their emotions and let them know it’s okay to feel unsure or resistant,” notes the site.
When you give children time and space to adapt, it shows them that you respect their boundaries and are sensitive to their needs. This helps to build trust and openness.
In the case of the fiancée’s kids, their resistance could be related to grief. “When a parent has died, the remarriage of the remaining parent may trigger unfinished grieving in children,” explains the helpguide.org site. “Give them space and time to grieve.”
The helpguide.org experts say given the right support, kids should gradually adjust to the prospect of marriage and being part of a new family. “It is your job to communicate openly, meet their needs for security, and give them plenty of time to make a successful transition,” they add.
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But what if your kids are bullying your partner out of your life?
Don’t allow ultimatums, warn the experts. And it goes both ways. “Your kids or new partner may put you in a situation where you feel you have to choose between them,” notes helpguide.org. “Remind them that you want both sets of people in your life.”
You should also insist on respect. “You can’t insist on people liking each other, but you can insist that they treat one another with respect.”
It’s vital to put on a united front with your partner. Show that you are a team, say the guys over at Bryan Fagan. “This can help your child see your partner as an ally, not an intruder. Demonstrating a strong and supportive partnership can foster a sense of security and stability for your child.”
They add that you should keep an eye on interactions between your child and your partner. And step in if needs be, to mediate any conflicts.
If you’re on the receiving end of your partner’s kids’ dislike, try to limit your expectations. “You may give a lot of time, energy, love, and affection to your new partner’s kids that they will not return immediately,” the site explains. “Think of it as making small investments that may one day yield a lot of interest.”
And on that note, celebrate small wins. Did you have a day with no conflict? An hour of fun and laughing? Cheers to that, and take the ups with the downs.
In the end, love conquers all. Or at least, that’s what the team at Bryan Fagan believes. “Your love for your child and your partner will guide you through this process,” notes the site. “Stay positive, stay committed, and believe in the journey.”
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