Dogs are called man’s best friend for a reason. Or rather, for so many reasons. If you have ever interacted with a good boi or gal, you know how happy they are just to be around you and to participate in all the fun. And I am completely sure that if they could speak, they would not only appreciate dog jokes but would also come up with some pet jokes themselves. Especially about the cat.
Whoever first decided to domesticate a dog probably did so for very practical reasons – in prehistoric days, humans could greatly benefit from a guard and a hunter. But little did that person realize what a great service they were doing to all the generations to come. They gave us a wonderful companion that will stick to your side through thick and thin.
Even if you don’t own a dog and can’t wake up to your dog making funny faces at you, there is one thing that can still make your morning perfect, and that’s a good collection of dog puns combined with photos of cute funny dogs.
In this article we’ve collected funny dog jokes that you can enjoy together with your doggo. In return, you can post the funniest dog pics you have ever taken in the comments.
#1
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
“Is that a dog you got back there?” he asked.
“It sure is,” I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then toward the back of the van. Finally he said, “What’d he do?”
#2
How does a Japanese chihuahua say hello?
“Konichihuahua.”
#3
A woman brings her parakeet to the vet. The bird is stiff and lifeless. “I’m sorry miss, but this parakeet is dead”
“How can you know so quickly?” she replies, “Is there a better way so that you can be absolutely certain?”
The vet whistles and a black Labrador walks into the room. The Lab sniffs the parakeet, then looks at the vet with sad eyes and shakes his head.
“A dog shakes his head and I’m supposed to accept that?!” the woman cries. “You’re going to have to do more than that to prove my poor parakeet is dead!”
The vet leaves momentarily and comes back with a cat. The cat hops up on the table and looks closely at the parakeet. After walking around it, she prods the bird a bit, then shakes her head and jumps off the table.
Finally, the woman is convinced. As she turns for the door, the vet announces that she owes him $400.
“$400?!” she asks. “How in the world is it that much just to tell me my parakeet is dead?”
“Well, it would’ve been a lot cheaper, but with that lab report and cat scan…”
#4
What do you call a wild dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
#5
Why did the man living in Alaska name his dog Frost?
Because Frost bites.
#6
What do you call a dog who is getting old?
GrandPAW.
#7
What do you call a dog magician?
A labracadabrador.
#8
Why should you be careful when it rains cats and dogs?
Because you might step in a poodle.
#9
In English class, why do dogs like conjunctions?
Because dogs love buts.
#10
Which dog breed is Dracula’s favorite?
Bloodhounds.
#11
Why did the Dachshund want to sit in the shade?
Because it was a hot dog.
#12
Which dog breed loves living in the Big Apple?
A New Yorkie.
#13
I watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought “Wow, dogs are so easily entertained”. Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.
#14
Why is it called a litter of puppies?
Because they’ll trash the place.
#15
Why didn’t the dog want to play football?
It was a Boxer.
#16
Want to know if your wife or your dog loves you more?
Just lock them both in a crate for a few hours and see which one is happy to see you once you open it.
#17
When you cross a dog with a cougar, what do you get?
A lot of trouble with a postman.
#18
What do dogs usually like to eat at the movie theaters?
Pupcorn
#19
Policeman: “Excuse me Mr, but were you aware that your dog has been chasing a guy on his bike?”
Dog Owner: “Are you nuts? My dog is not even able to ride a bike.”
#20
What do you call a cowardly dog?
A golden retreater.
#21
Why can’t you tell knock knock jokes to a dog?
“Knock knock”
Dog: “grrrr, woof, woof, bark, bark, bark.”
#22
What do a dog and a marine biologist have in common?
One wags a tail, and the other tags a whale.
#23
What kinds of outdoor markets do dogs despise?
Flea markets.
#24
What was the little Scottish dog’s reaction when he first saw the Loch Ness Monster?
He was Terrier-fied.
#25
What did Darth Vader’s dog say to Luke’s dog?
Come on! Join the bark side.
#26
Why aren’t Corgi jokes funny?
All of them are really short.
#27
Why do dogs love Redwood trees?
They have the biggest bark.
#28
What is a dog that sneezes?
A-choo-wawa.
#29
“The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he’s the only one in the world who treats me like I’m The Beatles.” — Bill Maher
#30
After a talking Sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”
“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
“I know,” says the Sheepdog, “but I rounded them up.”
#31
What kind of dog likes taking a bath every day?
A shampoo-dle.
#32
Why are dogs terrible dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
#33
When the dog went to the flea circus, what happened?
He stole the show.
#34
Why do dogs tend to run in circles?
Because its really hard to run in squares.
#35
What happens if you cross a dog with a phone?
A golden receiver.
#36
When you cross a frog with a dog, what do you get?
A croaker spaniel.
#37
What do you call young dogs who play in the snow?
Slush puppies.
#38
What is called when a cat wins a dog show?
A cat-has-trophy.
#39
What is a deadly creature that looks like a dog, eats dog food, lives in a doghouse, and consumes dog food?
A dog with a machete.
#40
How are dog catchers in the UK paid?
By the pound.
#41
Why do dogs love smartphones?
Because they have collar IDs.
#42
What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
#43
Why can’t dogs work the TV remote?
Because they always hit the paws button.
#44
I used a spot remover on my dog…
He disappeared.
#45
A large number of dogs escaped the SPCA today.
Police are looking for leads.
#46
Man 1: “My dog has no nose.”
Man 2: “How does he smell?”
Man 1: “Awful.”
#47
What do you get when you cross a dog with a large boat?
A Ship Tzu.
#48
What could be more incredible than a talking dog?
A spelling bee.
#49
What would happen if you crossed a dog and a cheetah?
You’d get a dog that chased after cars, but was actually fast enough to catch them!
#50
What do you call a sleeping Rottweiler?
Whichever you want, but do it silently.
#51
Where does a Labrador’s food go before it can be sold in stores?
To the lab for testing.
#52
What did one flea say to the other?
Should we walk, or just take the dog?
#53
When you cross a sheepdog with a rose, what do you get?
A collie-flower
#54
What do you get of you cross a dog with a film studio?
Collie-wood!
#55
Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them.
#56
What breed of dog goes after anything that is red?
A Bulldog.
#57
What do you call a dog that has been left outside in the cold for an extended period of time?
A chili-dog.
#58
What happens when a dog loses its tail?
It goes to a retail store to buy a new one.
#59
Our dog brings us the newspaper every day…
Funny thing is, we’ve never subscribed to any!
#60
Why did the officer issue a ticket to the dog who gave birth on the side of the road?
Because she was littering.
#61
Why was the dog stealing shingles?
He really wanted to become a woofer!
#62
What did the one dog say to the other before they enjoyed their bones?
Bon appetite!
#63
When a dog has a fever, what should you feed him?
Mustard—it’s the best thing for hot dogs.
#64
What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
#65
Why are skeletons afraid of dogs?
Because dogs love bones.
#66
I refuse to take my dog on road trips anymore.
He can be such a bark seat driver.
#67
“I better not eat that.” — no dog ever
#68
“We’re eating dinner soon. Don’t fill up on homework.” — Dog mom
#69
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was trying to fetch a boomerang.
#70
Every single day I have a German Shepherd come and take a dump on my lawn in the morning.
Today he even brought his dog with him!
#71
Why are Dalmatians not considered good at playing hide and seek?
Because they are always spotted.
#72
When you cross a Rottweiler with a hyena, what do you get?
I’m not sure, but if it begins laughing, I’m going to join in.
#73
What is a pug’s favorite fall beverage?
Pug-kin spice lattes.
#74
Where do dogs park their car?
In the barking lot.
#75
After accidentally swallowing Buzz Lightyear, what did the dog say to Woody?
You got a friend in me.
#76
What did the hungry dalmatian say after his meal?
“That hit the spots!”
#77
What did the waiter tell the dog at the restaurant?
“Bone-appetite!”
#78
“I named my dog Stay, so I can say, ‘Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!’” — Steven Wright
#79
I asked my dog what he’d actually do if he caught the Fed Ex person, and he admitted he hadn’t thought that part through yet.
#80
“Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? No pockets.” — Jerry Seinfield
#81
“My dogs love me. Of course, by “love” I mean “poop” and by “me” I mean “everywhere.”” — Dana Gould
#82
What type of zoo has only one dog?
A Shih Tzu.
#83
What do dogs eat for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
#84
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
#85
What did the dog say to the tree?
“Bark.”
#86
I have stopped the dog from digging up the garden.
I confiscated his shovel.
#87
Paddy is extremely upset when his dog runs away.
His wife says to him “Paddy, why don’t you put an ad in the paper?”
Paddy thinks that this is a great idea so he proceeds to do so.
Paddy hasn’t heard anything back from the ad in weeks when his wife asks him “What did you you put in the ad for our missing dog Paddy?”
Paddy replies “here boy.”
#88
I can’t take my dog down to the local pond anymore., because the ducks keep attacking him.
It is my fault for choosing a dog that is a pure bread.
#89
What kind of dog keeps talking about his problems?
A complaint Bernard.
#90
Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for it.
#91
What would you call a dog named Minton who ate two shuttlecocks?
Bad Minton.
#92
What term do you use to refer to a dog that researches old trees?
Well, you can call him a barkologist.
#93
How did the dog train his flea?
From scratch.
#94
Who is a dog’s favorite playwright?
William Shakespaw.
#95
What’s a dog’s favorite fashion magazine?
Vanity Fur.
#96
What do dogs get after they graduate from obedience school?
Their masters.
#97
I recently planted a pet tree, and it’s like having a pet dog except…
The bark is much quieter.
#98
Why do dogs to bury their bones in the ground?
Because they can’t be buried in trees!
#99
What type of dog is constantly aware of the time?
A watch dog.
#100
What kind of dog consumes food with its ears?
All of them! I haven’t seen a single dog remove their ears before digging in.
#101
When my friend’s dog died, I bought an identical one to try to cheer them up…but it just made them more upset. Do you know what my friend said when I gave the dog to them?
“What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?!”
#102
When you put oil on a racing dog, what do you get?
Grease Lightning
#103
Why are dogs’ barks so loud?
They have built-in sub-woofers.
#104
What do you call a dog that can’t bark?
A hushpuppy.
#105
When you cross a sheepdog with a jelly, what do you get?
The collie wobbles.
#106
Why did the man make pancakes for his dog?
His dog sure didn’t know how!
#107
When the dog sat on sandpaper, what did he say?
Ruff! Ruff!
#108
When is a black dog not a black dog?
When he’s a greyhound!
#109
What did the cowboy say when his dog ran away?
“Well, doggone!”
#110
How do you stop a dog from barking in your front yard?
Put him in your backyard!
#111
What’s a dog’s favourite instrument?
A trom-bone.
#112
I bought a dog from a blacksmith, when I got him home he made a bolt for the door.
#113
A man walks into his local vet and says “My dog Rover is cross-eyed, is there any way in which you can help him?”
“Hmm, let me take a look at him” says the vet as he picks up Rover.
Whilst holding the dog, the vet checks Rovers paws, eyes, teeth and tail until finally the vet says “I think I am going to have to put Rover down”.
The man is shocked is shocked and says “Really? Just because he is cross-eyed?”
The vet then replies “No, because he is too heavy to hold any longer.”
#114
What do you get when you cross a computer with a dog?
Too many bites too handle.
#115
Why are dogs unable to get an MRI scan?
Because only CAT scan.
#116
What would you call a dog from Asgard that owns a mighty hammer?
A labrathor.
#117
How did the dog laugh after listening to the joke?
Chi-ha-ha.
#118
What did the man name his two watch dogs?
Rolex and Timex.
#119
What’s a dog’s favourite food?
Pawsta.
#120
What was the dog doing all night?
He was barking all night without any paws.
#121
What do puppies and pages of a book have in common?
They’re both dog-eared.
#122
Why did the two-legged dog to come to an abrupt halt?
It had two paws.
#123
How many hairs are in a dog’s tail?
None! They’re all on the outside.
#124
What breed of dog can jump higher than a building?
All breeds can, since buildings can’t jump!
#125
When you cross a sheepdog with a rose, what do you get?
A collie-flower.
#126
What do dogs owned by chemists do with their bones?
They barium.
#127
What do dogs do when they need to take a bathroom break during a movie?
They press the paws button.
#128
Why does a noisy yappy dog resembles a tree?
It’s because they both have a lot of bark.
#129
When you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle, and a rooster, what do you get?
A cockerpoodledoo!
#130
What could be worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
#131
How can you get a dog in the back seat to quit barking while you’re driving?
Invite him to sit up front and bark there instead.
#132
What do you get when you cross a dog and a lion?
You’re not going to get any mail, that’s for sure.
#133
When does a mother flea become satisfied?
When her entire family has decided to go to the dogs.
#134
“You don’t have to save so your dog can go to college and then find out after they graduate that they want to be an actor.” — Jim Gaffigan
#135
What do you call a dog that doesn’t have any legs?
It doesn’t matter! It still won’t come when you call its name.
#136
What do dogs have that no other animals have?
Puppies!
#137
What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?
He stole the show!
#138
Why don’t blind people go skydiving more often?
Because it frightens the dog!
#139
Why wasn’t the dog a smooth talker?
Because all he ever said was “Rough, Rough”
#140
What trick did the loaf of bread teach the dog?
Roll over!
#141
Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
He was trying to make both ends meet!
#142
Did you hear the one about the dog who ate a bunch of garlic?
His bark was worse than his bite.
#143
What do you call a dog with a surround system?
A sub-woofer.
#144
What’s a dog’s favourite pizza topping?
Pup-eroni!
#145
How do you stop a dog from smelling?
Cover his nose!
#146
What’s a dog’s favourite kind of ice cream?
Pupcicles.
#147
Why doesn’t anyone want to work for dogs?
Because they hound their employees.
#148
Why did the dog walk into the saloon?
He was looking for the man who shot his paw.
#149
What do you get when you cross a racing dog with a bumblebee?
A greyhound buzz.
#150
What do you call a left-handed boxer?
A south paw!
#151
Did you hear about the dog who was fined for delivering puppies on the side of the road?
She was given a ticket for littering.
#152
How do dogs travel cross country?
They take the greyhound.
#153
Why did the family take their dog to the watchmaker?
It had ticks!
#154
Which dog lives in a cave?
A Bat Terrier.
#155
What’s a dog’s favorite movie?
Jurassic Bark.
#156
What’s a dog’s favorite breakfast dish?
Woof-fle.
#157
What did the dog say to his wife?
Howl will I ever live without you.
#158
What do you get when you cross a dog and a ballpoint pen?
Ink spots.
#159
How do you know if you have a slow dog?
It chases parked cars.
#160
What did the one dog say to the other before they enjoyed their bones?
Bon appetite!
#161
What makes more noise than a dog barking?
Two dogs barking!
#162
How did the little Scottish dog react when he met the Loch Ness Monster?
He was Terrier-fied!
#163
What term do you use to refer to a dog that researches old trees?
Well, you can call him a barkologist.
#164
Which dog breed knows how to use the phone?
A dial-matian.
#165
What do you call an obedient dog?
A sit bull terrier.
#166
What makes a businessman different from a hot dog?
The businessman wears a suit, but the dog just pants.
#167
A boy went to the zoo to discover there was only one small animal.
It was a shitzu!
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