It’s not uncommon for children in the foster care or adoption system to maintain contact with their biological parents. In fact, a 2012 study found that 95% of adoptive families maintain at least some form of contact with the biological parents. But what if the child is the one who wants to cut the contact?
This 17-year-old planned to do just that upon turning 18. According to her, her biological mother showed not enough enthusiasm to spend time with her and her sister. She would cancel or reschedule meetings constantly, prompting the teen to write her a letter with an ultimatum: either she shows more effort, or she loses her biological daughter forever.
A teen decided to cut contact with her biological mother when she wouldn’t show her enough attention
Image credits: Juan Diavanera/Pexels (not the actual photo)
However, her younger sister got mad about it and begged her to reconsider
Image credits: cottonbro studio/Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: cottonbro studio/Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Confident-Ad5730
Later, the mother replied to the teen in a letter, but it wasn’t the response she expected
After some time, u/Confident-Ad5730 came back with an update. The teen wrote that, after she came back from her trip, her mother finally sent her a letter. In it, she expressed that she felt sad to be such a little part of the girls’ lives and didn’t get to express her emotions during the arranged meetings.
“She told me in that letter that my brothers would be very sad if I just didn’t come to the meetings anymore,” the teen wrote in the update. “She also told me that she just thinks that she’s not a good mom for us and it would be best if she was a good friend to us and she hopes she sees me at the next meeting.”
The letter left the teen feeling confused and hurt. She confided in other netizens that she doesn’t know what to do. She didn’t want to go to the next meeting, but felt that she had respond somehow.
The commenters didn’t show much empathy for the mother. “Sounds like she’s making excuses and blaming everything but her,” one Redditor wrote. “She clearly doesn’t love you or really care if she thinks seeing once in four months is enough and if she thinks it acceptable to act like [you’re] a burden and asking too much for her to bother attending even those few visits.”
Others speculated that it was the bio mom’s way of putting on a show for her new husband and younger kids. “This way, when you cut contact [because] she only disappoints you over and over again, she can blame you for not giving her a chance.”
“Clearly, she doesn’t really care about you,” another commenter wrote. “And clearly you don’t owe her anything.”
In another update, the teen’s biological dad made an appearance
In a subsequent update, the teen sought advice on what to do about her and her sister’s biological dad wanting to meet. “He’s been absent for almost 16 years of my life now and now that I’m almost an adult (I’m turning 18 next month) he wants to reconnect but I don’t feel like letting him into my life or having a conversation with him at all.”
The teen’s foster parents told her it was her decision whether she would see him or not. And so did the commenters; many sympathized with her and told her it was okay to refuse if she still couldn’t forgive him for what he’d put her through as a baby.
One commenter speculated that the father might’ve want to come back into the picture because the hardest part of raising his kids was over. “He now wants to swoop in and demand respect and obedience from you,” u/TheQuietType84 wrote. “If he gets that respect and obedience from you, then, in his mind, he can believe he’s a good person and a good father and that the past doesn’t matter at all.”
Other commenters recommended the teen do what her gut was telling her. “If you have hesitation then don’t see him. You don’t owe either bio parent anything,” one user wrote.
“But sometimes it’s good to have closure in relationships or ask the questions you’re asking yourself!” another offered with different advice.
The commenters sided with the teen: “This wasn’t ‘your’ choice, but [your] bio-mom’s choice”
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