Some of the habits that people currently have might be childhood coping mechanisms that they picked up as ways to survive. They might have lived in a toxic family environment and faced neglect or abuse. They might have had to deal with constant fear, stress, and anxiety. And it only occurred to them way later, when they grew up, that the habits they grew to rely upon aren’t ‘normal’ at all.
Reddit users revealed the childhood coping methods that they unknowingly developed in an incredibly honest and impactful thread. They wrote about being hyper-aware of people’s microexpressions, shutting down their emotions, and creating imaginative scenarios to make their situations more tolerable. Scroll down for the most powerful things you will likely read today.
Bored Panda had a very open conversation about hardship, mental health, and childhood coping mechanisms with the author of the thread, redditor u/GreggOfChaoticOrder. They were very candid about their own struggles, the massive impact their r/AskReddit thread had, as well as their thoughts on dealing with trauma. Their hope is that by shedding light on these topics, others can know that they’re not alone in their struggles and it helps make the world a better place.
#1
I look for signs, such as micro-expressions, about what kind of mood the other one is in. My therapist told me not all people do this, and I do it a lot. He also told me I developed it because I was always on the lookout because of my often angry, drunken stepdad.
Image source: theWelshTiger, engin akyurt
#2
I can cut people out of my life and stop caring about people at the snap of my fingers, and I do it far too often to people who sometimes may not deserve it to keep myself safe.
Image source: Bloodragedragon, Laurentiu
#3
Saying ‘I am sorry’ all the time.
Image source: strawberrywine5880, alleksana
#4
Assuming people are mad at me based on their vocal tone.
Image source: pepsicup3, Sora Shimazaki
#5
Shutting down when faced with confrontation.
Image source: NoToe9649, Julia Malushko
#6
Apparently, I do something called ‘disassociating’ where I get so deep in thought that I don’t hear anything else around me. It drives my wife nuts.
Image source: bubbles2255, Jack Moreh
#7
My parents were emotionally and often physically neglectful and cold. I was expected to stay out of the way and raise myself within the household. No mealtimes, bedtimes, bath times, nothing. The attention in the house was always negative. We lived way out in the country, too, so there were no playmates in the neighborhood — and my only sibling was 10 years older and of the opposite sex. I had this weird mental game from a young age — I must have gotten it from a book somewhere — where I would pretend I was in an orphanage (one of those old-fashioned ones, kinda like from Annie). The school bus dropped me off there. Then the evening was regimented. We lined up for dinner, sat and did homework, had a church-type service, and then were given baths and put to bed. I would pretend that I was one of many children doing these things. I would lie in bed and imagine myself lying in a row of identical twin beds.
Image source: WillBsGirl, Nathan McDine
#8
I don’t know if it was a coping mechanism so much as a survival tactic. I walk on the balls/toes of my feet all the time. If I’m barefooted, my heels never touch the ground unless I’m standing still. Quietness was the objective.
Image source: wrencherspinner, rishiprabhu
#9
I talk to myself, like full blown heart felt conversations. I’d keep things to myself because I would get in trouble for saying the wrong thing. I lie because people couldn’t know certain things. I’d day dream because it was better then reality. I observed the room, their gestures to know if it’s safe to interact. I don’t say things about myself because I can’t trust easily.
Image source: Nameless__face
#10
Shutting down emotional responses and forcing myself to ‘not care’ about any perceived loss. Apparently, this made it pretty annoying to discipline me because I would suddenly stop caring about anything that was threatened to be taken away. Nobody really taught me how to properly cope with loss when it started happening, and I guess my response was emotional repression.
Image source: PeculiarInsomniac, K. Mitch Hodge
#11
Over apologizing and always questioning if I come off annoying, mean, or disrespectful. Having little to no self esteem. And self neglect.
Image source: tsheavenbanks
#12
I learned to lie rather convincingly. I was petrified of getting in trouble for the smallest things that I learned to hide quite a bit. I had such high anxiety as a kid.
Image source: throwingplaydoh, Daria Shevtsova
#13
Not doing anything till the last minute so I feel pressured to do it — and when I finish doing it, I feel useful.
Image source: Remote_Cat565, ANTONI SHKRABA
#14
My house is spotless. Everyone is surprised my house is so clean when I have three kids. It’s totally a coping mechanism. If I’m upset or stressed, I clean, and with a baby, I’m stressed a lot.
This behavior comes from my dad throwing epic fits if the house wasn’t clean and tidy. He would yell that he has four daughters, so why aren’t things clean? I thought if the house was clean, it was one less thing to be yelled at about.
I’m slowly learning that it’s OK to leave dishes in the sink or have an unmade bed. A mess still makes me extremely anxious, but I’m doing my best not to pass it on to my kids.
Image source: englishgirlamerican, cottonbro
#15
Eating too fast. I remember noticing this even as a child still. I was always done first. And I never out grew it. Neglect and abandonment issues.
Image source: AlternativeRope5639, Chris F
#16
Always being okay having your decisions overridden by others and believing they know best. Examples: For birthdays, we’d get to pick a restaurant to eat at. I’d pick a place and usually my sister would complain and my parents would override. Being asked what I’d want for Christmas and being told ‘No, you don’t’ when you tell them what you want. I was super into astronomy growing up, so when I asked for a telescope, I was told more than once I didn’t want it. So I started to believe I didn’t want one.
Image source: IsBastionAGirlRobot, Thirdman
#17
Self depreciating jokes. If I make fun of myself first it wont hurt as bad when someone else makes fun of me.
Image source: okwashere
#18
Constantly trying to preempt or diffuse situations. I’m always checking the mood of the room. I’m pretending to laugh to lighten up my parents interactions.
Image source: DadsRGR8, Eduardo Gorghetto
#19
Or shutting down because you have to work out the ‘perfect response’ in real-time. And no, screaming at me for being quiet will not make this process go any faster or help to resolve the mind-numbing panic that triggered it in the first place.
Image source: Konukaame, Meritt Thomas
#20
I do this, too — and I terrified co-workers when I materialized behind them like a ghost at the copy machine or café counter. They called me ‘The Ghost,’ and I laughed along, but kept to myself that I also knew where the exits were and what was between them and myself at any given moment.
Both of my parents had terrible tempers and three out of my four grandparents were abusive (of every kind you could name) people. You are absolutely right to call it a survival tactic.
Image source: Spicavierge, lilartsy
#21
Daydreaming for me. Fantasizing with being loved, cared for, and finding the greatest everlasting unconditional love. This has f**ked me up when attempting relationships as an adult.
Having this conundrum today. Wondering whether this is good, problematic, achievable or even realistic, considering my experience and how I see people relate sentimentally to each other around me. Holding on to it or throwing it away for… what? I don’t know what I’d want instead.
Image source: unatazadecafe
#22
I keep track of where people are in the house. Since you can usually distinguish who is walking by how they sound, you can easily tell where they are. I still do it to this day even when it isn’t necessary.
The sound of my mom or dad walking down the stairs always made my blood pressure spike. It was my only warning that they might open my door because they were really bad about not knocking and that meant they were pissed or wanted something. Unfortunately, they could also be walking downstairs for laundry or something else. So I would get worked up for no reason.
Image source: Demache, Charlotte May
#23
I just found out I have a binge eating disorder. I eat in secret sometimes and overeat. It comes from my childhood and not knowing where my next meal would come from.
Image source: bubbles2255, Ron Lach
#24
Sometimes I wonder if I’m indecisive for similar reasons. Mine isn’t anything malicious. Just being the youngest of three, your opinions generally fall in last for a long time. I became very easy-going/go with the flow, but now I do this thing where I’ll be like, ‘sure whatever’ — and stifle my own desires for others.
Image source: Pficky, Markus Spiske
#25
This. Gone through my whole life like it, am 24 now. When I say I’m not all here, I’m REALLY not all here. I’m not anchored, I’m constantly slipping into my head in crazy adventures with consistent characters, settings, universes, and themes. It’s like constantly slipping out of reality and into a trippy TV show. I guess it’s kinda nice sometimes, but it gets in the way of school, work, and EVERYTHING I try to do.
Image source: PeanutButter707
#26
Making my voice as monotone as possible to prevent people (my parents) from picking up on any tiny hint of emotion. My parents would lose it if I had ‘a tone’ or sounded upset in any way. It’s taken years and years of practice to regain some emotion in my voice again.
Image source: Jazzlike_Log_709, Anthony Tran
#27
Having three or four different responses ready for every conversation in advance just to prepare for what might come. My therapist told me this isn’t as normal as I thought it was and apparently other people don’t prepare this much for regular, everyday conversations.
Image source: laceylou15, Suzy Hazelwood
#28
Trying to think/mentally prepare myself for every possible horrible thing that could happen to me, so that if it did, I wouldn’t be blindsided. It didn’t work. I want to add that my mother died in a freak accident when I was young, and I was blindsided. My coping mechanism was to prepare for situations where a friend or family member is killed out of the blue, so I wouldn’t be caught off guard again. It caused me severe stress and the inability to relax ever. I am older now and therapy has done wonders for me.
Image source: Budson420, cottonbro
#29
I can’t have an aspiration or a dream because I don’t want to disappoint myself. I can’t even say that I am gonna get a good grade on a specific subject out loud, because I’m scared I will disappoint myself. Same thing happens with other things in my life: when I apply for a specific college, I will just do it and ignore it until I get a result, because I don’t want to get my hopes up and end up not getting accepted. I can’t even have a New Years resolution because somehow I think I would fail, and I would rather already expect that than get my hopes up and fail. I am scared of being disappointed in myself.
Image source: rianabdussalam, Arina Krasnikova
#30
Listening for the smallest sounds. Before I was old enough and had enough money to move out, I could hear the faint sound of the garage door opening because it would always squeak when it opens. I would then bolt upstairs to my room because the garage opening meant that my mom was home. I can distinguish her footsteps easily. I developed a hypersensitivity to sound because of her.
Image source: bunniesandmilktea
#31
Shutting down emotionally. I learned from a young age that if I felt some sort of way about something, it didn’t matter because I was “too young to have real problems”. Also, being invalidated all the time by being told it didn’t matter or wasn’t a big deal. So any time something bothered me, I’d just shut down and not want to talk at all. I was trying to sort my emotions myself and not offend anyone, but I was really just hurting myself.
Image source: Responsible-Top-6882
#32
Having to laugh and smile every time you make a comment to your parents so they don’t immediately start getting offended over everything you say — it’s exhausting.
Image source: unlikelycompliance, Johnny McClung
#33
Laughing at pain, if I get hurt I laugh. I do it because I don’t want the people around me feeling uncomfortable. I do it even when people aren’t around. It hurts.
Image source: Fenikkusu87, Nsey Benajah
#34
Learning about dissociation is a game-changer. It’s so hard to explain what you feel when it’s happening. Being able to see other people try to explain it helps us understand it and not feel so broken.
Image source: DefNotAK, lucas clarysse
#35
My mom used to take away things I enjoyed when she was thinking I was behaving badly. At some point, I started to ignore it, finding something new or just lying in bed doing nothing. Now I’m curious if despite all other problems this also had an influence on me being indifferent about other people’s presence and emotions.
Image source: MaryChrist_, Ketut Subiyanto
#36
Yes, and when someone says, ‘You don’t have to say sorry’ and/or gets mad at you for saying sorry, and you get in a loop for saying sorry. Nowadays, it’s a lot better than it was. But whenever I feel bad, I just keep repeating it.
Image source: Ammilerasa, Jan Kopřiva
#37
Cleaning or doing things behind the scenes for my family so they’re always happy, life goes smoothly, and my life is serene. The latter isn’t the case unfortunately; I’m exhausted and always on edge.
#38
I know that…it’s like flipping a switch. It’s most noticeable to me when I’m watching a movie and a scene comes on that triggers some kind of memory and so I mentally switch from being in tune with the movie to staring at the box on the wall while the pictures on it move. It completely removes all emotion.
Image source: Christmas_Panda, Nothing Ahead
#39
My dad would get snippy with my sister and me to watch our tone when we wouldn’t have one. And then in high school and college, the slightest friggin shift in demeanor of my friends toward me sent me into a damn worry spiral.
My boyfriend likes to speak frankly and clearly, and my mind makes it sound like he’s upset, which makes me apologize and actually annoy him since I apologize too much to begin with.
Image source: lovabilities, Hello I’m Nik
#40
My sister and I both do this. Every minute spent at the table increased the likelihood that we would get yelled at for something unrelated, so the only strategy was to get out of there as quickly as possible. I have to make a conscious effort to slow down around other people now.
Image source: Rennarjen, Алекке Блажин
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