Growing up, there were a few classic comebacks that were extremely popular on the playground. “I know you are, but what am I?” was a favorite, as well as the concise yet cutting “Your mom!” But nothing is as biting as a comeback that’s personal, clever, and unique. And when you hear this Shakespearean level of insult, it’s hard to ever forget it.
Netizens have been recalling the most brutal yet brilliant clapbacks they’ve ever heard, so we’ve compiled a list of them below. Some are situation-specific, while others are simply incredibly creative. But they were all extremely effective, so we hope you enjoy scrolling through this list that might inspire you to elevate your comeback game!
#1
Secret Santa gift exchange in college. One guy gets a collection of British currency (he liked to collect foreign bills and coins) and a girl makes a rude comment about it being a stupid gift. Cue my mouth running off before my brain can stop it, “Karen dont be rude, he just didnt want you to be the only one who gained 20 pounds this semester”
Pandemonium ensued as her boyfriend tried to pick a fight while she bursts into tears, it was not the best day for the club.
Image source: Knit_Game_and_Lift, reewungjunerr / Magnific (not the actual photo)
#2
FOX5 host: “Don’t you think you went a little too far with the Catholic Church jokes?”
Bill Burr: “Don’t you think the Catholic Church went a little too far?”.
Image source: vonpapen, Gage Skidmore / Wikipedia
#3
How to make a best friend for life! It was 2001 when I was in 5th grade. My dad did my pony tails in the morning & they were not cute. As I was walking away from my classmates I overheard my bully laughing and saying “her hair is messed up in the back” and the new girl in school shouted back to her “well your face is messed up in the front”. God that was awesome. I’ll never forget that as long as I live & we’re still friends to this day.
Edit- I wanted to give an update on my bully; we later became friends. Turns out, she had her own stuff going on at home & that’s why she was horrible to me for all of those years. It was my dad who told me to invite her to my birthday party & talk to her outside of school. My dad rocks. He was so right.
Image source: ughwhateverr
#4
Someone was trashing on a user here on Reddit while using awful punctuation.
Reply goes “You missed so many periods that i’m sure you’re pregnant.’.
Image source: AlternActive, vproductions / Magnific (not the actual photo)
#5
I teach 16 – 20 year olds and one of my students kept insulting a girl. She turned around and with a completely straight face she said: “If you’re not careful, I’ll get with your dad and become your stepmom.”
It was unexpected.
Image source: ChirpyCheese, Megan Ruth / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
#6
I was adopted at 4 months old. It was never presented in a bad light just a matter of fact. Im the oldest in my adopted family.
My younger brother in a raging fit over something: “YOU’RE NOT MY REAL BROTHER!!”
Me: Yep. Mom and Dad chose me. They were stuck with you.
Silence.
Image source: ejtrb92, zurijeta / Magnific (not the actual photo)
#7
I once jokingly said to my wife, “You know you should consider yourself lucky really as I’m quite fussy about my women” … without skipping a beat she shot back… “Well you’re just lucky that l’m not fussy about my men”…
Burned…
Image source: LC_Anderton, katemangostar / Magnific (not the actual photo)
#8
The story of how my grandparents went on their first date has the greatest comeback ever.
My grandpa was working a sub shop at the register. My grandma was in line (they’ve kind of met a few times in passing before) and she gets up to the register and my grandfather (attempting to hit on her) says “How’d you get through life looking so ugly?” And my grandma replies, “I don’t know but you’ve been doing it longer than I have”.
And they’ve been happily married ever since.
Edit: I hate to disappoint you all, but they did not get married on the spot in the sub shop.
Image source: tangelok, john_cameron / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
#9
Female friend: “I’ll just meet a doctor and become a trophy wife.”
Male friend: “They don’t give trophies for last place”.
Image source: njk_87, drobotdean / Magnific (not the actual photo)
#10
My cousin was in town for Thanksgiving. He goes up to my 10 year old skinny nephew and jokes “hey, it looks like you are gaining weight.” My 10 year old cousin without skipping a beat tells him “Hey, it looks like you have diabetes.” My cousin is 300 plus pounds. He hasn’t been back to visit since.
Image source: Uhhhhdel, Magnific (not the actual photo)
#11
Reply by a kindergartner, to a pair of 5th graders who tried to tell him Santa isn’t real: “Santa brings me presents, and if Santa doesn’t bring you presents, you should think about why.”.
Image source: MindYourMouth, Octavian Iordache / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
#12
My ex-gf met my new gf..
“oh, did you know, I used to go out with quadgop?”
“yes, he mentioned you. Once.”.
Image source: quadgop, katemangostar / Magnific (not the actual photo)
#13
Many years ago when I was twelve, I got into an argument with my mother and father.
Exasperated, my mother said, “You talk like you think your father and I don’t have a brain between us.”
I immediately said, “No, I *do* think you have a brain between you.”
My father burst out laughing — end of argument.
Image source: AlbionBoethius, bearfotos / Magnific (not the actual photo)
#14
Once watched a row in school between 2 girls after a few minutes of insults this is said
Girl 1: would you wear socks if you had no feet
Girl 2: (confused) what?
Girl 1: (slowly) would you wear socks if you had no feet?
Girl 2: (still confused) no
Girl 1: why do you wear a bra then.
Row over.
Image source: circularsean, sonhador18 / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
#15
Your nan gets bullied at bingo.
Image source: tobetheturk, Stephen Olmo / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
#16
Line delivered by me…
Dad was boasting about his looks at 65.
“the nurses said I looked very good for my age.”
Me: “you were there for a colonoscopy, are you sure they were looking at your face?”
Image source: animavivere
#17
A friend was at a nightclub and saw a couple hot girls walk by. He said, “you’re looking beautiful tonight”.
One of them looked him up and down and responded with, “I wish I could say the same for you”.
With out missing a beat, he comes back with, “you could if you lied like I did!”.
Image source: denny2000, wirestock / Magnific (not the actual photo)
#18
Profesor to student; “You’re not very far from a fool.”
Student to profesor; “No ma’am just two rows of chairs and a desk.” Then standing up left the room and dropped her class.
Image source: M3zza
#19
My grandfather used a handicap placard because of a heart condition. Outwardly he looked very healthy. One woman saw him get out of his car at the grocery store and told him “you don’t look handicapped”. He told her “you don’t look like a jerk”.
Image source: technotunacasserole
#20
My mom: “when I was your age, I refused to date any boy who’s hair was shorter than mine.”
My dad: “wow, how short was your hair?”
EDIT: It was just a great comeback! My mom had long hair in the 80’s and if a guy had hair shorter than hers, she wasn’t attracted to him. We all know she had long hair so no feelings were hurt.
Image source: Stronglikebowl
#21
“You look like a boneless ham.”.
Image source: BBQpigsfeet
#22
I was with friends in a movie theater and, while I forgot what the movie was, it was apparent we were the oldest people watching the movie.
While waiting for the previews to start, someone in the back makes a noise. Then someone repeats the noise; then, two more … and so on
I said out loud, “Jeeze, this is getting old.”
When it all calmed down, a young’un a couple rows behind me said, “So are you.”
Touche’, you little brat.
Image source: brianingram
#23
If your parents get a divorce will they still be brother and sister?
Image source: are-jay180
#24
Bald guy to fat guy : look at the state of you,
Fat guy to bald guy : you’re one back injury away from leading the x-men.
Image source: chickensoupnipples
#25
These two guys from London used to hang around in Bristol selling bootleg grime CDs and “urban” movies and had great banter with people as they walked by. They called themselves the black gypsies and we’d often see what they had for sale.
This group of girls walked by and one of the guys calls out to them:
“Heeeey ladies”
The group quickly steers away from these guys and one of the girls goes “Nooooo”
And without missing a beat he said “What, you ain’t ladies?!”.
Best timed comeback and in his accent made it all the better.
Image source: anon
#26
Our economics teacher was a complete legend. But one semester he had to take off because he broke his leg badly surfing, so we had a replacement. She was not a legend. One time we were all talking (year 12,so final year of school) and she got sick of us, so she said that we could only talk if it was about the work we were doing, which at the time was to do with the economic impact of unemployment. After about 5 minutes (if that) we started talking about random stuff again.
My mate was telling us about how his older sister had just had a daughter and he’d gone to meet her the weekend before. We obviously were a bit too loud and the teacher heard us and called out “excuse me table in the middle, it doesn’t sound like you are talking about your work.” and without any hesitation I turned around and said “of course we are miss, his niece is unemployed.” I didn’t think it was that great of a comeback, but the class all lost it and one of the guys came up to me after class and said “crzy, you’ve always been a pretty funny guy, but that was hilarious”. I didn’t have much self confidence at the time so it meant a lot to me.
Image source: JustABitCrzy
#27
I had recently gone from my natural hair color dark brown to platinum blonde and my boyfriend and I went to our favorite bar where one of our friends was the security. It’s closing time and he’s telling everyone to leave. I start joking and loudly talking smack. Our friend comes back and tells me “(Tabimatha) your roots called. They’re coming back.” My jaw hit the floor and I left trying to hide my hair and my boyfriend is laughing behind me. I didn’t come back til I got my hair touched up.
Image source: Tabimatha
#28
Walking around DC with a group of exchange students (me being one of them) and a chaperone, I drop some unwanted change in a beggars cup.
Chaperone says: “You shouldn’t give them money to these guys, they make more money I do!”
Me: “Maybe you should get a better job then?”.
Image source: Pettu83
#29
“Have you always been this stupid or did you take lessons?”.
Image source: MrAngryMoose
#30
Went to Benihana and got a chef who was American (typically they are Japanese). The food was a little bland and so asked the chef if he had any ketchup.
Chef: Sorry sir. Ketchup is not japanese.
Me: Neither are you.
Everybody had a good laugh. But for some reason I felt really bad for saying that. Still, one of my quick come backs.
Image source: sunburnkings
#31
Who are you calling a cootie queen, you lint licker?!?
Image source: Heridacles
#32
A friend of mine would respond to people who rudely say “Excuse me!” with “There is no excuse for you.”.
Image source: panekroom
#33
“well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in”
“Yeah and left it on your face” (he was trying to grow a beard and failing)
Also:
“Did you know that if someone knits a sweater for their significant other they’re likely to break up before the sweater is finished?”
“If I knit you a sweater would you go away then?”.
Image source: YtrapEhtNioj
#34
My dad likes to have philosophical conversations at the weirdest of times, like he’ll ask some profoundly deep question out of the blue.
Once when we went out for ice cream, he asked me, “ At what point in your life did you feel the most sincere joy?”
Without looking up, I said ”When you stop asking me these questions”. Didn’t miss a beat.
Image source: Czarcasm3
#35
David Letterman : You know, I’m not as dumb as I look.
Tina Fey: Yeah, but how could you be?
Image source: MyFellowMerkins
#36
My friend is a savage for ripping people to shreds with words. Not his best but a memorable one was when these girls came up to him and started hitting on him and expected him to buy them drinks.
He immediately shot back, oh sorry girls didn’t mean to give you the wrong impression, I’m straight.
So they were like, what do you mean – we know? And he said, oh sorry – dressed like that I thought you were drag queens.
Image source: KingBooScaresYou
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