Same as with anything in life, not all jokes are made equal. Some are deep and intellectual, others are sheepishly funny, and some deliver the most majestical wordplays. Still, there’s one more category that is as controversial as Prince was in the ’80s – bad jokes. Which, in their own right, can also be divided into two categories. Bad jokes that are just terrible, and bad jokes that are funny. Mostly because they are so blatantly lame, and you wouldn’t expect someone to come up with such a travesty. But hey, there’s no need to be humble here – we like these really bad jokes and would like to share them with you too. So, this is our compendium called Bad Jokes Of The Day.
Why Bad Jokes Of The Day? Well, because these babies should be dosed one per day. Again, why? Well, because these funny bad jokes are like nothing you’ve seen before. They will touch you in the deepest places that haven’t been tickled by amusement in a long while. They will coax a burst of laughter out of you so loud that your neighbors might think you’ve got your hands on a canister of laughing gas. And well, these lame jokes should be cherished, and a day for each is the perfect amount of time.
So, let’s skip straight to the silly jokes, shall we? They are, just as usual, a bit further down, and once you get there, you should give your vote for the worst joke you encounter. After that, there’s only one more thing left to do, and it is to share this article with your friends, of course!
#1
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
#2
I got fired from my job at the bank today. An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
#3
Fun fact: Australia’s biggest export is boomerangs. It’s also their biggest import.
#4
I was sitting in traffic the other day. Probably why I got run over.
#5
I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back.
#6
I watched hockey before it was cool. They were basically swimming.
#7
What’s red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
#8
I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves.
#9
I wasn’t going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I’m going home for the hollandaise.
#10
I’m really excited for the next autopsy club. It’s open Mike night!
#11
Why do ghosts love elevators?
Because it lifts their spirits.
#12
What did the clock do when it was hungry?
It went back four seconds.
#13
I tried to organize a professional Hide-and-Seek tournament, but it was a complete failure. Good players are hard to find.
#14
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but its flag is a big plus!
#15
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight. There would be mass confusion!
#16
What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden?
Artificial Swedener.
#17
Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves. Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
#18
What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?
A can’t opener.
#19
My new thesaurus is terrible. Not only that, it’s also terrible.
#20
A communist joke isn’t funny unless everyone gets it.
#21
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass. I lied about the wheels.
#22
What’s the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when it hits a windshield?
Its butt.
#23
I will never understand why manslaughter is illegal. Men should be able to laugh at whatever they want.
#24
I’m a geologist, I don’t take things for granite.
#25
What do you call it when Dwayne Johnson buys a cutting tool?
Rock pay-for scissors.
#26
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
“Supplies!”
#27
I went on a once-in-a-lifetime vacation. Never again.
#28
I like to spend every day as if it’s my last. Staying in bed and calling for a nurse to bring me more pudding.
#29
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.
#30
What did Blackbeard the pirate say when he turned eighty?
“Aye, matey.”
#31
What do you call the security guards outside of Samsung?
The guardians of the Galaxy.
#32
What do you call a cat with no legs?
You can call it whatever you want, it’s still not coming.
#33
I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do not read it.
#34
Why are social media influencers afraid when they go to the woods alone at night?
They’re constantly being followed.
#35
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey but then I turned myself around.
#36
Ever tried to eat a clock?
It’s time-consuming.
#37
How do you feel when there’s no coffee?
Depresso.
#38
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Never mind, I shouldn’t spread it.
#39
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
Because it was soda pressing!
#40
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
“Oh sheet!”
#41
I put my root beer into a square glass. Now it’s just beer.
#42
My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the National Zoo.
#43
There are three types of people in the world. Those of us who are good at math and those of us who aren’t.
#44
My daughter thinks I don’t give her enough privacy. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
#45
Before the invention of the wheel… everything was a drag!
#46
Why are there gates around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in!
#47
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’re bagels!
#48
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.
#49
Where do mansplainers get their water?
From a well, actually.
#50
They told me a mask was enough to get into the supermarket. They lied, everybody else was also wearing pants.
#51
I used to hate facial hair but then it grew on me.
#52
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
“Oops!”
#53
A cowherd counted 48 cows on his property. But when he rounded them up, he had 50.
#54
Why don’t crabs donate?
Because they’re shellfish.
#55
What do you give a sick bird?
Tweetment.
#56
What did the finger say to the thumb?
I’m in glove with you.
#57
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
Cashew!
#58
What’s the best way to carve wood?
Whittle by whittle.
#59
Why was the snowman looking through a bag of carrots?
He was picking his nose.
#60
How can you make seven an even number?
Just take away the “s”!
#61
A guy told me, “Nothing rhymes with orange.” So I replied, “No it doesn’t.”
#62
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
“HDMI.”
#63
What kind of car runs on leaves?
An autumn-mobile!
#64
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
A Mississippi!
#65
What does a zombie vegetarian eat?
“Graaaaaaaains!”
#66
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
#67
What’s green, fuzzy, and would hurt if it fell on you out of a tree?
A pool table.
#68
Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the pee is silent.
#69
Have you heard of the band 923 Megabytes?
Probably not, they haven’t had a gig yet.
#70
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
“Breathe, damn it! Breathe!”
#71
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.
#72
My dad’s answer to everything is alcohol. He doesn’t drink, it’s just that he’s really bad at crossword puzzles.
#73
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?
Because it was too tired.
#74
A chicken coup only has two doors. If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
#75
Where did the king keep his armies?
Up his sleevies.
#76
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
#77
Who invented the round table?
Sir Cumference.
#78
Did you hear about the kid napping at school?
It’s fine, he eventually woke up!
#79
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it’d be a foot.
#80
What did the drummer call his two twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two.
#81
What do you call cheese that works out?
Shredded.
#82
Where do spiders seek health advice?
WebMD.
#83
Why can’t you trust an atom?
Because they make up everything.
#84
I’d like to go to Holland someday.
Wooden shoe?
#85
Do you remember that joke I told you about my spine?
It was about a weak back!
#86
What do you call a farm that makes bad jokes?
Corny!
#87
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze!
#88
What do you tell actors to break a leg?
Because every play has a cast!
#89
Today I gave my dead batteries away. They were free of charge.
#90
My favorite word is “drool.” It just rolls off the tongue.
#91
What did one dish say to the other?
Dinner is on me!
#92
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
#93
I’m terrified of elevators so I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
#94
What are the biggest enemies of caterpillars?
Dogerpillers.
#95
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
Because he always gets a hole in one!
#96
What to hear a joke about paper?
Never mind, it’s tearable.
#97
What do you call a man with a rubber toe?
Roberto!
#98
What do you give to a sick lemon?
Lemon aid!
#99
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi Cliff!
#100
When’s the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth-hurtie!
#101
What kind of streets do ghosts haunt?
Dead ends!
#102
What did Winnie the Pooh say to his agent?
“Show me the honey!”
#103
What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?
It gets toad!
#104
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
“Robin, get in the car.”
#105
Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?
Because it’s pointless!
#106
What did the buffalo say when his son left?
Bison!
#107
What’s red and shaped like a bucket?
A blue bucket painted red.
#108
What don’t ants get sick?
They have anty-bodies.
#109
What does a house wear?
Address!
#110
Have you heard the one about the corduroy pillow?
It’s making headlines.
#111
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?
A polar bear!
#112
Where did the computer go dancing?
The disc-o!
#113
Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife?
He needed his space.
#114
There’s no hole in your shoe? Then how’d you get your foot in it?
#115
It’s hard to teach kleptomaniacs humor. They take things so literally.
#116
Five guys walk into a bar. You think one of them would’ve seen it.
#117
How many bugs do you need to rent out an apartment?
Ten-ants.
#118
How do you organize a space-themed hurrah?
You planet.
#119
I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me?
“Stay out of those places!”
#120
What do you call an empty can of Cheese Whiz?
Cheese Was.
#121
What’s the award for being best dentist?
A little plaque.
#122
What did the finger say to the thumb?
I’m in glove with you.
#123
What do you call a belt made out of watches?
A waist of time.
#124
What did the lawyer wear to court?
A lawsuit!
#125
What kind of dinosaur loves to sleep?
Well, now, all of them.
#126
Why did the teacher love the whiteboard?
She just thought it was remarkable!
#127
What do you call a boomerang that never comes back?
A stick.
#128
Why did the blind man fall into the well?
Because he couldn’t see that well.
#129
What’s Mozart up to these days?
Decomposing.
#130
How do you make an egg roll?
You push it.
#131
Two guys with a monocle fighting makes a spectacle.
#132
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tube a glue.
#133
Why was the math teacher late to work?
She took the rhombus.
#134
A friend of mine got into photographing salmon in different clothing. He said he liked shooting fish in apparel.
#135
What did the duck say when she bought a lipstick?
Put it on my bill!
#136
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef!
#137
What do bees do if they need a ride?
Wait at the buzz stop!
#138
I just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
#139
What kind of dogs love car racing?
Lap dogs!
#140
What do you call birds who stick together?
Vel-crows.
#141
What do you call it when one cow spies on another?
A steak out!
#142
Why do cow-milking stools only have three legs?
‘Cause the cow’s got the udder!
#143
It’s inappropriate to make a “dad joke” if you are not a dad. It’s a faux pa.
#144
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese.
But it’s only mild.
#145
Why do you smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam.
#146
When is your door not actually a door?
When it’s ajar.
#147
What do you call a dangerous sun shower?
A rain of terror!
#148
How does your feline shop?
By reading a catalogue.
#149
Who can jump higher than a house?
Pretty much anyone.
#150
What do an apple and an orange have in common?
Neither one can drive.
#151
This sweet ride has four wheels and flies. It’s a garbage truck.
#152
Wait, you don’t want to hear a joke about potassium?
K.
#153
What do you call a monkey that loves Doritos?
A chipmunk!
#154
Sunny-side up, scrambled, or an omelet? It doesn’t matter. They’re all eggcellent.
#155
Why did the businessman invest in Smith & Wollensky?
He wanted to stake his claim.
#156
What did Mario say when he broke up with Princess Peach?
“It’s not you, it’s a-me!”
#157
What do you call HIJKLMNO?
H20!
#158
A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t you START ANYTHING!”
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