America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars 17.13 “All-Star Finale” Review

Just in case y’all aren’t wizards, pot ledom is “what the hell was that finale?!” backwards.

Trust.

But really, for an inherently bizarre show like Top Model, the all-star finale might have been its most strange episode to date. Let’s be non-conformists and start at the end with that obviously tacked-on-as-hell ending that saw Lisa triumph over Allison to become the “first Top Model all-star” (Tyra’s words, not mine). Some time following Greece, Angelea volunteered information to producers, information that led her to be disqualified and a second panel to be held featuring only Allison and Lisa. We still have no idea how Angelea, the girl I assumed was taking this puppy home, managed to be DQ’ed, but rumor has it that she had let details about the cycle slip on her Facebook account and that violated her contract. It felt very disingenuous for Judge TyTy and company not to explain what happened and to basically act as if Angelea had never existed, especially since Mr. Jay made a big point about how it was the first time three girls had walked in the final runway. The show underestimates its viewers time and time again and this is no exception, as it feels like we’re just supposed to accept this win at face value and wipe our collective runny mascara away for yet another “story” taking the title home.

I’m sorry, Tyra, but this is not a cheertatorship. It’s a cheerocracy and as somebody that’s been on the Top Model squad since day one, I feel like I’m owed a bit of an explanation as to what happened. To me, it felt like Angelea won, ran her mouth about how she won, and like a week and a half ago, everybody rushed to L.A. to pretend like this was the “real” (ly awfully edited) final decision.

And what a final decision it was, with cycle 5’s Lisa defeating double runner-up fan favorite Allison. While I don’t dislike Lisa, the whole thing just left a bad taste in my mouth. For one, what happened to the Vogue photos? Earlier in the episode, all three girls shot for Vogue Italia, but where were those photos in panel? Did they not have any bearing on who won? For that matter, where was Franca? And the self-designed runway dresses – did that not count for anything either? Top Model has prided itself on the expanded prize package this season, but what good are all the prizes in the world if the people giving the prizes out don’t bother to show up? The final panel was a rushed, limp, outlandishly boring piece of television that had all the energy sucked out of it by the DQ and the obnoxious judging decisions. Tyra and company were obviously building up to another “story” winner with 716 and when she didn’t have what it took to be Miss Top Model, it went to the next “story” in Lisa.

Not that we got any explanation of any kind by Tyra as to why Lisa actually won, of course…

To me, Lisa fits with the “we want a celebutante, not a capital-M Model” vibe of the cycle, so in a sense, her win’s fairly justified. She’s a bubbly wild child with a past that’s already been around the entertainment block enough to keep herself employed and I think she can do well with the prizes that are offered; I just think Allison’s a better model and the “she’s a shy girl with sensitive eyes” excuse is flimsy at best. Lisa tanked the Cover Girl commercial with her awkward line readings, her runway walk was messy, and her photo was selling me hair products instead of eye shadow, but throw a smize in a picture and Tyra becomes hypnotized to the point of delusion, I suppose. I don’t think Allison performed that great in the finale, but I think she had the best dress of the three remaining girls and she majorly stepped up in her commercial, which at least somewhat offset the blank Cover Girl photo and a stiff runway walk. But even then, Allison was selling eye shadow and if you’re not selling the product that you’ve been hired to sell, what’s the point in being a model?

I don’t even know why the runway was included in the finale because Top Model has very much backed away from runway in the last several cycles. We barely see Ms. Jay anymore and when we do, it’s not for any walking challenges, I know that much. (Well, legitimate walking challenges, as they all have some sort of gimmick, i.e. this cycle’s Kardashian Karousel fiasco.) Why should they be judged on something that they’ve not been practicing/had okay challenges on this cycle, especially with such a huge prize pack? The hideously windy runway itself was needlessly complicated with all its harnesses, backdoor switcheroos, and Eyes Wide Shut masks, followed by strutting to “I Be Like Whoa”, “Underwater”, and “I’m Here”. Of course, one of those three is very slow/dreamy, while the other two are uptempo and energetic enough to bring even the most weary of catwalkers to life, so guess who was at a disadvantage?

I’m sternly wagging my finger at you, Top Model powers-that-be.

The Top Model finale felt like a repeat of every other Top Model finale in the history of the world, only stupider. Stuff was done without any explanation, the runway was wannabe-avant garde, the Cover Girl tie-in is tired, and the criteria for which the winner was chosen was very opaque all season. For all the hemming and hawing Tyra did about personality/branding being the main thing they’re looking for, there were way too many episodes that kept modeling in the forefront. If you’re going to make Top Model: All-Stars a “different” cycle, then go to it balls-to-the-wall; don’t talk the talk and fail to back it up with your actions, because that just makes you look terrified of change and of putting yourself out there. Don’t keep pretending that this is a modeling competition because that just insults the intelligence of the (too loyal) viewers still remaining after 17 cycles.

Like…whoa.

Thoughts, Quotes, & Observations:
-“Swim, girl! For your life!” Can RuPaul’s Drag Race introduce a swim for your life challenge or…?
-“All-star is me.”
-Great bit of editing: Tyra’s opening voiceover mentioned the word catapult and it showed Allison in the Modelland editorial dressed as a cat. Cute.
-Where do you rank Lisa on the Top Model hierarchy of winners?
-Who had your favorite dress tonight at the runway show? Least favorite?
-Crazier outfit: Mr. Jay in a toga and Laura’s mask from three weeks ago or Ms. Jay in a gladiator uniform?
-If the idea of a Top Model fragrance appeals to you, here’s its Twitter account.
-Television Without Pity did a slideshow about this season’s most ridiculous moments. Personally, I would have had a single white slide with the word EVERYTHING. in bold black letters.
-More interviews: Laura, Laura again, Shannon, and Bianca.
-Laura also has a new clothing site called Grumbage if you want some cute t-shirts.
-According to Tyra, her Top Model persona is not her. Okay, girl.
–The Modelland theme song. No, really. No…really.
-Below, I put (by far) my favorite final runway. What’s yours?
-Well, another cycle is in the books. I have to say, I really appreciate you guys coming along for the ride with me this cycle. You’re all top model all-stars in my eyes. I’ve had a lot of fun writing about Top Model, so meet you sometime in spring for another go-round?