Having a partner move in with you is, well, a big move. Sure, it means clearing out a few drawers and some closet space, compromising on what to watch on Netflix, and accepting that your leftovers are now community property. But sometimes, you end up getting more than you bargained for.
That’s exactly what happened to one 36-year-old woman after her 40-year-old boyfriend moved in. He has a 20-year-old daughter from a previous relationship, and when she needed somewhere to stay, the woman agreed to let her move in temporarily.
Six months later, there’s no end date in sight, and she’s found herself picking up after another adult who doesn’t seem keen to pitch in. When she finally told her boyfriend she wasn’t going to keep cleaning up after his daughter, he didn’t exactly take her side, leaving her wondering if she was the jerk.
A woman let her boyfriend’s 20-year-old daughter move in temporarily, only to end up cleaning up after her
DC Studio / magnific (not the actual photo)
When she said she was done picking up after another adult, her boyfriend got defensive
benzoix / magnific (not the actual photo)
magnific (not the actual photo)
dikushin / magnific (not the actual photo)
The chores might only be part of the problem
Having your partner’s adult daughter move in probably isn’t what you picture when you’ve only just started living together. But the woman’s situation isn’t as unusual as it might seem. Plenty of young adults still live with their parents or end up moving back home after a taste of independence. According to a 2024 Pew Research Center report, about a third of US adults ages 18 to 34 live with their parents. Among 18- to 24-year-olds, that figure rises to 57%.
At 20, it’s also not unusual for the daughter to get some financial help from her parents. A separate Pew report found that 44% of adults ages 18 to 34 with a living parent received financial support from them in the year prior. For those under 25, that number jumps to 68%.
Where the daughter starts to stand out is in what she’s giving back, which, by the woman’s account, isn’t much. The same report found that 65% of young adults ages 18 to 34 who live with their parents help pay for things like groceries and utilities, while 46% chip in toward rent or the mortgage.
Of course, she may have needed some time to get back on her feet after dropping out of college. Fair enough. But six months later, the woman says she still “doesn’t work, isn’t studying and doesn’t pay rent.” Even so, money doesn’t seem to be what’s really bothering her. As she put it, “I don’t mind him helping his daughter, but I didn’t expect to become responsible for looking after her too.”
In practice, that mostly seems to mean cleaning up after her. But the dishes and laundry, although undoubtedly infuriating, are arguably only part of the real mess. The bigger issue might actually be how her boyfriend reacts whenever she asks his daughter to take more responsibility around the house: getting defensive, making excuses, blaming her, and even giving her a taste of the silent treatment.
And, sure, it’s understandable that the boyfriend wants to support his daughter through a difficult patch. But there’s a difference between giving an adult child a helping hand and enabling them to avoid taking responsibility for themselves. According to the Cleveland Clinic, one common sign of enabling is making excuses for a loved one’s behavior, so they’re never really held accountable.
What’s worse is that in this case, it doesn’t even seem to be the father who’s picking up the slack. It’s his girlfriend, who’s found herself taking on household responsibilities she never agreed to. It also leaves her in an awkward position in her own home. In her words, “I feel like I’m being taken advantage of, especially when I’m the one who owns the house and ends up doing most of the cleaning.”
In theory, setting boundaries should help with this. Writing for Psychology Today, psychotherapist Joyce Marter recommends agreeing on which spaces are shared and who is responsible for chores like cleaning and laundry, noting that it’s ultimately the primary homeowner who sets the household rules. But the woman’s boyfriend now says she’s “creating unnecessary tension between him and his daughter,” so whenever she tries to establish basic expectations, she’s the one cast as the bad guy.
Boundaries only work if everyone in the house respects them, and right now, she seems to be the only one trying. Until she and her boyfriend get on the same page, it’s not just the dishes that will keep piling up.
Commenters didn’t hold back, siding with the woman in the messy situation
In an update, the woman revealed what happened after her boyfriend spoke to his daughter
romankosolapov / magnific (not the actual photo)
magnific (not the actual photo)
Commenters weighed in again, with some saying it was time for an ultimatum—or an eviction notice
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