We’re pretty big fans of history, back in school, as well as now. But hidden among the tales about treaties, important battles, and biographies of the people who helped shape the world as we live in now, are some truly epic tidbits that you might not know about. These are moments in history that are—there’s really no other word for it—cool. And they’re what some of us may have been regaling our friends with at dinner parties to show off how much we know.
Courage. Charisma. Grit. Valor. Wisdom. These are the things that help people stand out from the crowds and the ocean of events that happen every day. That and the need for revenge. The historians of Reddit shared some of the biggest ‘go to hell’ moments in history, and they’re far too good not to share with you, dear Pandas. Though be warned, some of them are quite gory. But that’s history for you.
If this won’t spark an interest in history inside your soul, then probably nothing will. Scroll down, upvote the historical stories that impressed you the most, and share the ones you know but the historians may have missed in the comments. Be sure to take notes… there’s going to be a test on this at the end of the semester.
#1
The story of Khutulun, who was Genghis Khan’s great-great-granddaughter. She said she would marry whomever could beat her in a wrestling contest. If she won though, they had to give her 100 horses.
She died unmarried, with 10,000 horses.
Image source: CircusMasterKlaus, wikipedia
#2
How about the moment slaves in Haiti realized they outnumbered their captors almost 10 to 1, revolted, and ultimately won their independence.
Image source: Amenra7, wikipedia
#3
In the 1970s the small town of Vulcan, West Virginia asked for state funding to replace a bridge into town. The state legislature refused to grant Vulcan the funding they needed. Instead the town appealed to the Soviet Union for aid. After hearing about the request, the state legislature immediately granted over $1 million for the town to build a new bridge.
If a small town in WV asking for soviet funding in the middle of the Cold War isn’t a big middle finger to the state government, then I don’t know what is.
Image source: NuggetBiscuits69
#4
Galvarino: Chilean warrior who had both his hands cut off by the conquistadors for raising arms against the Spanish. Instead of letting himself serve as a message of helplessness in the face of the invaders the crazy bastard strapped swords to his stumps and went on the warpath.
Image source: -Inaros
#5
Olga of Kiev. When her husband died, the country that killed him assumed they’d just take over and force her into marriage.
She straight up killed the dignitaries that were sent to tell her she had to marry – multiple times, in the most intense way possible.
She then travelled to where her husband had been killed and basically burnt the place to the ground – again, in the most hardcore, amazing way.
They made her a freaking saint. Worth the read on Wikipedia!
Image source: TeAforempires, Nikolay Bruni
#6
Ferruccio Lamborghini was a rich man owning his company that built tractors, he talked to Ferrari about the imperfections of his car and how to improve them and they basically laughed at a young tractor mechanic trying to tell them about sport cars, so he decided to start making luxury sport cars to compete with Ferrari and thus, the rivalry was born. So i’d say the middle finger of this guy to Ferrari was pretty noticeable.
Image source: Billyjeter, wikipedia
#7
A pirate known as jean lefitte had a bounty of $500 put on him by a governor. So he put a $5000 bounty on the governor
Image source: The-big-ouch
#8
The Achaemenid Empire had trouble conquering Egypt in the early part of their War so they decided to use the very embodiment of their holy figure against them. They literally had soldiers carry cats with them and painted cat heads on their shields so the Egyptians couldn’t fight back due to their beliefs and surrendered.
They literally pulled a “your god is our frontline”.
This is known as the Battle of Pelusium.
Image source: JazzPhobic, wikipedia
#9
British prisoner of war in Nazi germany stitches a quilt. The Nazis put it out for show. Hidden in Morse code stitched in were the words “f**k hitler” and “god save the Queen”
Image source: ShivasKratom3, Chris Curry
#10
“I’d rather go to hell, with my noble ancestors, than to go to heaven and join the likes of you…”
Norse King tried to be converted to Christianity on threat of burning in hell for paganism
Image source: ShivasKratom3
#11
This is more petty, but when Taft bragged to his friends via telegram about scaling a mountain on horseback, that it was a few thousand feet, clear weather, all in all not too difficult, his friend replied, “HOW IS HORSE?”
Image source: JitteryBug, wikipedia
#12
“Stop sending people to kill me! We’ve already captured five of them, one of them with a bomb and another with a rifle… If you don’t stop sending killers, I’ll send a very fast working one to Moscow and I certainly won’t have to send another.”
Tito to Joseph Stalin
Image source: nb150207
#13
When Otto von Bismarck was about 50, he was walking down a street when a man ran up to him and shot him five times. Otto then turned around and began to beat the absolute s**t out of him until some armed guards come to help him. When they inspected Otto for wounds, they found that all 5 hit, but they all either just grazed him or bounced off his ribs. Literally the iron chancellor.
Image source: BrittleBandit, wikimedia
#14
The first cell phone. The first call ever made from a cell phone was to a competitor’s landline. Big d**k energy
Image source: -Solarsoul-, Nastya Dulhiier
#15
Sparta to Phillip II
Phillip wrote to Sparta that if he marches into Sparta he will raise the land, burn the crops, rape the women, and just destroy the city. Sparta replies back with a single word.
“If”
Image source: BridlingMage117, wikipedia
#16
So when France exiles Napoleon Bonaparte (the first time), they didn’t think to change out military personnel. So he basically rolls up to the first French outpost he gets to, says “‘sup” and begins reassembling an army. By the time he gets to Paris, he’s got enough forces that France is like “well. Welcome back.”
Image source: Mr_Henslee, wikimedia
#17
When Robert E. Lee decided to side with the South in the Civil War, to spite him the North used his property as a graveyard.
It is now Arlington National Cemetary.
Image source: Corteran, wikipedia
#18
Caesar in his youth, before he became famous, was captured by pirates off the coast of Italy and held hostage.
He promptly befriended the pirates, getting drunk and shared stories while they waited for the ransom to be paid.
Later, after he was released, he went back to find and capture the same pirates, and ordered their deaths because they requested an insultingly low ransom for a man of his stature.
Image source: a_saddler, wikipedia
#19
When Henry VIII wanted to annul his marriage to Catherine of Aragon the Pope said you can’t do that. Henry then created the Church of England so he could get divorced.
Image source: HungarianDude, wikipedia
#20
Not the biggest, but definitely one to note. In 1966, Charles DeGaulle ordered all U.S. Troops out of France, as he said the country was leaving NATO, LBJ’s first words were to his Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, “Ask him about the cemetaries, Dean!”
When Dean Rusk mentioned whether or not the 60,000+ US soldiers buried in France were to be removed, DeGaulle simply stood up and left the room, embarrassed.
#21
In the late 1980s Nintendo and Sony developed a CD add-on for the Super Nintendo. Nintendo then pulled out of the partnership and opted to work with Phillips instead and released the CD-i.
This move was highly frowned upon because Nintendo had decided to ditch a fellow Japanese company over a foreign one. So Sony picked up the pieces of the project and tried to partner with Sega. The board of directors turned the idea down saying “that’s a stupid idea, Sony doesn’t know how to make hardware. They don’t know how to make software either. Why would we want to do this?”
At the end Sony released a game system by the name of Playstation in 1994 to compete with the Nintendo 64 and outsold their former partners nearly 3:1 plus it marked the first time that Nintendo wasn’t top dog since they released the NES.
Image source: akiba305, Jason Leung
#22
The second defenestration of Prague. The Holy Roman Emperor and King of Bohemia sends representatives to the Protestant city of Prague telling them to convert to Catholicism. The representatives get thrown out a window and allegedly landed in a pile of manure
Image source: Korlac11, wikipedia
#23
Symphony No. 7 (Shostakovich) was played in besieged Leningrad. And it was broadcasted on the radio, so nazi soldiers could hear it.
Imagine hearing “F**K YOU” from a city that you thought was already dead.
Image source: ComBlockWither, Samuel Sianipar
#24
My personal favorite is when Chairman Mao made Nikita Kruschev have a meeting in a pool because he knew he couldn’t swim.
Image source: Sizeable_Cookie, wikipedia
#25
When France surrendered in ww2, Hitler thought Britain would surrender. So the next day, the British Royal Navy sailed to North Africa and sunk all of the French fleet so Germany couldn’t have them.
Image source: JediJack111
#26
Genghis Khan to Shah Ala ad-Din.
After the Kwarezmids plundered one of Genghis Khans caravans, killed his people, and took his s**t, he thought to take the diplomatic approach and send 2 envoys and an interpreter.
Shah Ala ad-Din decided to be a dumba** about it.
He shaved the heads of the envoys to shame them and sent them back with the head of the interpreter.
Mr. Khan was kinda pissed, so he marched 200000 of his boys and f*****g annihilated their town with only 1/4 of that number even able to fight back. He was so pissed at the Shah that he had the rivers keeping the surrounding villages alive fully diverted, so that he would literally wipe Ala ad-Dins birthplace off the map and make it so that it was like he never existed.
No one would settle there or live there ever again. No one would be there to remember his enemy who had disrespected him.
“Not even the dogs or cats” would be spared said Genghis Khan.
Image source: Nethervex, wikimedia
#27
Several of them … My favorite is when Deng Xiao Ping ordered the Chi-com army to invade Vietnam in order to teach them a lesson about the South China Sea dispute. The Chinese rolled across the border and were like “hey where is everyone? Looks like they didn’t even field an army” when they started getting hit with guerilla-types of attacks. The Chinese Commies were supposed to mop the floor – They ended up incurring way more casualties than they anticipated and basically retreated back to China after one month and declared “victory.” Couldn’t get a solid body blow on the Vietnamese army.
Image source: anon
#28
My personal favorite: the beginning of the Battle of Stamford Bridge, in England, 1066. England’s been invaded by a Norwegian army led by Harald Hardrada, king of Norway, and Tostig Godwinson, exiled English earl and estranged brother to the English king. They’ve already fought one battle, they’ve captured York. Things are looking good for them.
They’re chilling, enjoying their success, waiting at Stamford Bridge for the hostages they demanded. It’s a hot day. They’re not expecting any trouble. But wait- an English army shows up. That’s practically impossible. The battle of Fulford Gate had taken place only five days ago, and the Norwegians had completely routed the forces of the northern earls. The rest of the English army was known to be in the south, awaiting a Norman invasion.
Turns out the English had ridden all the way up North in FOUR DAYS.
The Norwegians were, understandably, a bit unhappy. They form into a circle. They don’t have their armor with them- it’s at the ships. It’s too hot to be hanging around in mail. They’ve got helmets and shields and weaponry, and that’s it.
The English send a rider to negotiate. He tells Tostig that his brother the King is willing to offer him his earldom back and part of the rule of England if he gives up now. Tostig asks what his buddy Harald Hardrada gets for his trouble.
“Six feet of English ground, or as much more as he needs, being taller than other men.”
Tostig says they’re done here. The rider rides away. Harald Hardrada asks who that dude was, because if it had been him talking, he’d have just killed the bastard there. Tostig says oh, that’s my brother. That’s Harold Godwinson, the king.
Harold Godwinson rode up to an enemy army personally and told the king of Norway, known to be a great warrior and general, that all he’d get from this invasion was a grave.
Battle commences. Norwegians lose. Tostig and Harald Hardrada both die. Huge bloody mess. English army is crippled. And then three days later the Normans land in the south. Harold is f****d. He still marches his army back, gathers as much force as he can, and engages three weeks later. He’s killed at Hastings. Normans conquer England.
Basically a very personal f**k you moment that snowballed quite intensely.
Edit: because a lot of people are asking- yes, this was the battle with the legendary berserker at the bridge. No, it probably didn’t actually happen. The story appears hundreds of years later and is very inconsistent. Also, there might not have been an actual bridge there at the time.
Image source: shoelesshistorian
#29
I always like to share this story when I can, and it is full of “f**k yous.” Alboin, king of the Lombards during the early Middle Ages, killed a rival king on the Italian Peninsula. Alboin was a bit of a d**k and really hated this other king, so he decapitated him and had his skull turned into a drinking cup. Anytime Alboin would party hardy he’d drink out of his brand new mug. Alboin also forced the other king’s daughter into marrying him after killing her father. On top of that, Alboin was a mean drunk and would make his new bride drink out of her own father’s skull on occasion.
So Alboin’s wife started screwing some other dude, because she hated her husband for pretty obvious reasons. Her lover and she assassinated Alboin for being such a d**k.
Edit: *Cartago delenda est* was another good f**k you
Image source: FlokiTrainer
#30
The Battle of Agincourt – Or at least the aftermath. Henry V wanted to have a show of force, and marched his 9,000 troops through France, France wasn’t having it, so they raised some 12,000.. when France tried to negotiate, Henry launched an assault sparking the battle itself. Using clever use of terrain and the fearsome use of the English long bow, the French took heavy losses. It was believed, however, that any English archer captured by the French had their fore and middle fingers cut off so they could not operate a long bow. Thus inventing the ‘two-finger salute’, that citizens of the UK are known for, that for us Americans would be the middle finger now.
If accounts are true, this is a very *literal “*F**k you!”
Image source: Dyerdon
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