Last Week on ’24’: Tony was moved to the top of Jack Bauer’s Most Wanted List once he helped Galvez make off with the canister of bioagent. Jon Voight unsuccessfully attempted to kill himself and Walker almost got blow’d up! Good times.
Aaaand welcome to the briefest ’24’ recap ever! Two words: finals week. Sorry, guys.
In short: once Jack gets medical care for his seizure, he relays Tony’s turncoat status to Walker, who puts out and APB on him. Except the FBI guys get the message a little too late, because Tony’s already taken out two of them and stolen their car after tossing the tracking system out the window. Galvez meets Tony in a sketchy motel room and they fight over the canister of OMGBIOWEAPON. Galvez whips out a gun, but Tony Almeida doesn’t need no damn gun, because he smothers Galvez with a shower curtain. On the Jack Bauer Scale of Badassery, it’s about a 7. Not bad.
Fake!Patty arrives at the motel room and I can’t keep calling her Fake!Patty anymore because she’s apparently a major character. Fine. “Cara Bowden” is prepared to deliver the canister to their superiors, but Tony’s got other plans — he wants to release the bioagent now because it would be a terrible blow to the already-reeling U.S .government. Man. His marbles are almost as lost at Jon Voight’s. And it’s so much more interesting. On a more shallow note, Carlos Bernard should have to walk around shirtless on this show more often. I’m just sayin’.
Meanwhile, Madame President tells an agitated and indignant Olivia that they’re going to make a deal with Jon Voight — in exchange for information on the group that Jon Voight was working for, they’ll issue a fake Proof of Death so the group will think Jon Voight is dead and they won’t go after his family. Olivia is pissed that the man who was responsible for her brother’s death will get to live out his days on some witness protection ranch thingy, but Madame President is willing to place her duty as President over her thirst for personal revenge. Olivia, on the other hand, is not quite so willing. Later in the episode, after drafting Jon Voight’s agreement, she calls up a friend (Martin Coller) and implies that she wants him to kill Jon Voight. We’ll see how that pans out this week. All I can say is: don’t make it too quick. I do love me some Jon Voight.
Back at the motel room, Cara calls up the Ambiguous and Uber Powerful Government Conspiracy via Anonymous Instant Messenger (AIM) and I just can’t take it seriously because it TOTALLY reminds me of an Austin Powers movie. After a little smooth talking, they agree to release the bioagent and blame it on a Not!Terrorist, Jibraan Al-Zarin, who they’re going to set up. A not-so-subtle commentary on the racial bigotry of contemporary America, methinks.
At a secure room in the hospital, Jon Voight doesn’t appear to be much worse for the wear following his tango with Death. Yaaaay! That is, until Jack shows up to “interrogate” him. Unfortunately, there is no thigh-strangling. Jon Voight reveals that the Ambiguous and Uber Powerful Government Conspiracy planned on launching a boatload of attacks at the same time so that the public would lose faith in the government to protect them, and the Ambiguous and Uber Powerful Government Conspiracy would fill the power vacuum. Jon Voight admits that he doesn’t have the names of the other people in the Ambiguous and Uber Powerful Government conspiracy because the affairs were handled through an anonymous middlewoman (Cara). If you don’t mind me saying: that’s really dumb. Like, really really dumb.
Jack returns to Madame President and lets her know that he thinks the Ambiguous and Uber Powerful Government Conspiracy will probably strike again today because they suspect the government has been weakened. Madame President consequently orders that the CTU servers be re-commissioned in order to pin down the threat of the Ambiguous and Uber Powerful Government Conspiracy. Yeah. It makes no sense. I think it’s just an excuse to get Chloe and Janis into a Hacker!War.
Speaking of which, Jack gives Chloe a call, tells her that Bill’s dead and Tony’s evil, and oh, by the way, would you mind coming back to FBI headquarters to help us out? We won’t pull out the handcuffs again, we promise. Chloe wakes up Morris and Little!Chloe and tells them to get the hell out of D.C.. Mommy has to go to work.
Tony and Cara break into Jibraan’s apartment as Jibraan and his 17-year-old brother debate the nature of anti-Arab bigotry in the United States. Tony, Cara and Co. lurk outside the apartment. DUN DUN DUN.
At the FBI Command Center, Chloe and Janis try to reboot the CTU servers. Well, actually, it’s mostly just Chloe. Janis is whining that they’re violating the Bill of Rights. Jack overhears her and goes into Pitbull!Jack on her. He epically chews her out and fumbles that the servers were re-commissioned by “President David Palmer.” Those psychological effects the bioagent was supposed to have? Yeaaaah. About that. Jack’s kinda screwed.
Back with at the Not!Terrorist’s apartment, Tony and Cara raid the play, grabbing the brother and threatening to put a bullet in his skull if Jibraan doesn’t cooperate. Uh oh… dun-dee-dun-dee-DUN.
Next week: Olivia goes to extreme measures! Jack’s dying, doncha know! Tony’s definitely evil! There’s explosions and stuff! Yeah. Tell me something I don’t know.
