Practice makes perfect, right? Whether you’re learning a new language, playing an instrument or gaining athletic abilities, experience is a plus. And dating is no exception.
Recently, one curious Reddit user asked women to share the “smaller relationship boundaries” they’ve learned to set over the years, so below, you’ll find some of their most thought-provoking responses. Keep reading to also find an interview with Dating and Relationships Coach Rachel New, and be sure to upvote the behaviors you refuse to tolerate from your partners as well.
#1
When someone says “I was joking” after saying something cruel. And blaming me for “being sensitive.” Any cruelty masked as humour.
If they freak out when I set a perfectly healthy boundary. Red flag.
Image source: HSPsrule, Odonata Wellnesscenter
#2
My boundaries are simple. No trumper no racists and homophobics. The end.
Image source: Traditional_Ad3233, Benjamin Finley
#3
Please do not make me make all of the decisions.
I don’t know what I want to eat. I don’t care what we watch. Can you please make these decisions 50% of time?
I make decisions all day at work and I just….can’t all the time at home.
Image source: Elaine_Benes_Lovr, Jack Sparrow
#4
I have pets and you have not just tolerate them but also enjoy them. If you can’t stand my dog cuddling you or the tortoise begging for a banana then nope.
Image source: IgorEatsJellybeans, Andres Ayrton
#5
someone who runs tests on me to see where i stand in the relationship instead of communicating (ex. not talking to me all day to see if ill notice or reach out)
Image source: Living-Ad6799, LoboStudio Hamburg
#6
If you get a chance to say your opinion without me speaking, then I do too.
That means I get to speak without you talking over me, changing the subject, or not paying attention.
Image source: Vana21, Ricky Esquivel
#7
I can’t be the only person willing to make effort like always going to see them or always doing all the planning.
Image source: CatrionaShadowleaf, Ketut Subiyanto
#8
This is definitely a small boundary, but really insidious: when my opinions/likes/recommendations, basically any bid for sharing an interest, are ignored. But when one of their male friends share the exact same opinion/likes/recommendations, it’s like he’s hearing it for the first time and they suddenly are interested.
Example—
Ex-BF: Oh hey, my friend Sam just introduced me to this awesome band, check them out!
Me: I literally have been listening to this band on our car rides and talking about them to you for months.
This happened time and time again with shows I wanted to watch, music I’d been listening to, or books I’d been reading. It’s like I became an accessory whereas his friendships became his true source of meaningful connection.
Image source: comebackasatree, charlesdeluvio
#9
I don’t want to be the only person planning dates. I want you to *want* to do things with me, even if they’re not my cup of tea – you enjoying them and wanting me to be there is enough to make it my cup of tea.
Image source: ILoveYourPuppies, René Ranisch
#10
Lies, even about small things, are a hard no from me.
I know so many people who think it’s no big deal if someone lies about their age, height, job, etc. on a dating app. But I realized it’s a big deal to me.
Image source: Stan_of_Cleeves, cottonbro studio
#11
Please respect my TV and movie tastes. Don’t have to like the same shows/genres, but if I am watching something and you don’t like it or aren’t into it, maybe stfu? Do something else? 🤔
Image source: m4maggie, cottonbro studio
#12
Travel and vacation compatibility. I don’t want to take cruises or sit on a beach, getting drunk and sunburned. And someone who does want to take vacations like that would probably find me an insufferable travel partner in return.
Image source: VanthGuide, kilarov zaneit
#13
Silent treatment. I get needing a little bit of time and space to process, but when a reaction to a disagreement is the full on silent treatment instead of mature communication, that’s a nope for me.
Image source: SnooPears3006, Timur Weber
#14
Please put your phone down and enjoy this present moment with me.
Image source: Densityroa
#15
As much as we rib each other in private, we never do so in public. Also, if someone makes fun at either one of us, the other one doesn’t participate in the roasting nor the laughing.
We learned this the hard way.
Image source: aubor, Alena Darmel
#16
I do not like when people mock me when I make mistakes or drop things. I have had a lot of abusive relationships in the past, and my parents were really verbally abusive.
Image source: Time-Box128, Dziana Hasanbekava
#17
Dismissal of feelings. You don’t care how I feel? You therefore can’t care about me. It plants the seed of doubt.
Image source: whiskey__throwaway
#18
Please don’t talk to me for 15 minutes after I wake up, and please don’t ask me questions for 30 minutes.
My brain is still smooth and hasn’t gone online yet.
Image source: spagyrum, Laura Chouette
#19
This applies for both friendships and romantic relationships for me, sometimes even family:
I consider it a red flag, or an orange flag when I see that people are into gossip.
Gossiping is normal, but when I notice that this person has nothing else to offer but gossip- to the point where almost 70-80% of the conversation revolves around gossiping I’ll be wary of the person.
It’s an ick. Especially when the things they talk about could be considered malicious or slanderous about the person/subject.
It immediately gives off a vibe that the person I’m talking to isn’t someone safe.
Image source: GetMauled6969, cottonbro studio
#20
No looking in each other’s phones. I don’t have his password; he doesn’t have mine. Why? Because our friends haven’t given each of us permission to read their conversations with the other.
Image source: insertcaffeine, Klaus Nielsen
#21
Don’t pick on me. Even if its just minor joking around. I was traumatized by constant picking and bullying by an older brother growing up and i cant handle much light hearted picking/joking nowadays. I will explode
Image source: OuterRim_SpacePirate, Toa Heftiba
#22
Criticizing how I do things. You’re not my parent, my teacher, or my boss. I don’t give a f**k if your way is more efficient or effective. If I need help or advice, I will ask for it. All you’re doing is stealing my joy in the moment to make yourself feel good.
Image source: Calamity-Gin, Jason Briscoe
#23
I always get downvotes for this one even though it’s a perfectly valid boundary to have, but I no longer date/sleep with people who have a problem with period sex!
It’s fine that some people don’t like it. Completely understandable, actually. Those people are just not compatible with me, though, and that’s fine.
Image source: celestialism, Karolina Grabowska
#24
Not dismissing my feelings. My SO used to say things like you can choose not to be upset. I told him how much of an a*****e mindset that is. He never used that line again.
Also not messing with my food. My SO used to add sauces and spices to my food without asking me. Sometimes I would say no while he is already pouring and all he would say is “oops already added”. I couldn’t take it anymore and one time I pushed his hand away while he’s pouring sauce over my food, made him spill it and he was slightly annoyed but I just wouldn’t back down. I didn’t apologise for pushing his hand and I firmly said “I. Said. I. Don’t. Want. Sauce” he finally got it and now he asks before adding anything to my food
Image source: bluebuns123, RODNAE Productions
#25
Don’t say you’re gonna do something if you’re not going to.
Image source: BerenTheBold
#26
Don’t annoy me for fun, or because you get a rise out of my reaction. It’s not funny and cute anymore after 9+ years. My STBX does this all the time, he’s like a dog after a bone once I let on that something annoys me. An ongoing one that we’ve had since the beginning is that he deliberately puts empty sauce bottles back in the fridge (eg. tomato/bbq/mustard). Like we’ll use the last of a bottle during a meal, but he sneakily puts it in (as well as the newly opened one). He knows it annoys the absolute s**t out of me but still does it, even though most of the time I just don’t react anymore. I think it gives him satisfaction now, knowing that it annoys me. And it has eroded away my feelings for him.
Image source: Tygie19
#27
We need our own chip bowls. No sharing because he ham fists all of the damn chips before I can even get a third one.
Image source: cup_1337, Emiliano Vittoriosi
#28
I refuse to do all the planning. If you can’t plan a date, make the decision on dinner, or be bothered to sort out any f*****g plans? I’m out. I have no desire to date a lazy, uninterested person.
Image source: Kookie_Kay
#29
I care. Just because it isn’t important to you, doesn’t mean that it isn’t important to me (or vise versa).
The boundaries come after that understanding, both by me and by the other person. If the other person is doing things either on purpose or accident that you’ve explained are annoying it hurtful, then it’s either because they want to hurt you, or because they care so little about what you’re telling them that they don’t remember/care what you said it how you feel. Neither option is acceptable.
I’m not saying that mistakes won’t slip through, but there is a huge difference between “whoops, let me fix it and I’ll try to remember for next time” and “it’s such a little thing. Like why do you even care? You’re so dramatic. No, you never told me you don’t like that”
Image source: k_alva
#30
I won’t be shamed for what I need to do to maintain my best self, including mental health medication. Along those lines, no one has the right to ask if I’ve taken said medication. Feelings aren’t symptoms.
Image source: HippieProf, Dmitry Schemelev
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