Carving your place within the workforce takes time, and even if you spend decades building your career, there’s no guarantee that the turbulent economic winds won’t occasionally knock you down.
Knowing this, Reddit user KeyHelicopter6678 was happy to take in her brother when he lost his job. After all, that’s what family does. However, once the sibling settled in her guest room, he started playing video games and hanging out with friends instead of looking for new employment opportunities.
Unhappy with how things were shaping up, the host brought up the issue, but the two of them quickly got into a pretty bad argument.
This woman took in her brother after he lost his job, but he spends most of his time playing video games or hanging out with friends
Image credits: LightFieldStudios (not the actual photo)
So she started feeling like he was taking advantage of her
Image credits: mstandret (not the actual photo)
Image credits: KeyHelicopter6678
Childhood roles can re-emerge after siblings enter adulthood
Dr. Ilene S. Cohen is a licensed marriage and family therapist and one of the most respected voices in the psychology of people-pleasing and navigating the difficulty of living an intentional life while trying to maintain fulfilling relationships.
“Adult siblings living together can create a mix of challenges rooted in long-standing family dynamics,” Dr. Ilene, author of When It’s Never About You: The People-Pleaser’s Guide to Reclaiming Your Health, Happiness and Personal Freedom, told Bored Panda. “One common issue is the re-emergence of childhood roles, where one sibling may subconsciously revert to being ‘the caretaker’ while the other assumes a more dependent role. This can lead to resentment, particularly if one feels they’re carrying more responsibility or their expectations aren’t being met.”
“Boundaries can also become blurred,” Dr. Ilene added. “Living together as adults often involves more complex needs, like financial obligations, personal space, or differing lifestyles. For example, one sibling staying out late or being inattentive to household needs might create tension. Communication breakdowns are another challenge—adults may shy away from voicing frustrations to avoid conflict, but unspoken issues can quickly build into resentment.”
Additionally, the Ameriprise Financial Family Wealth Checkup found that 57% of siblings believe they approach financial situations differently than their brothers and sisters, and 63% feel like they have very different asset levels.
At the same time, nearly half of siblings believe they are more financially responsible (44%) and more knowledgeable (45%) than their brothers and sisters, but very few admit to having less financial knowledge (18%) or being less financially responsible (13%) than their siblings.
The fact that many aren’t discussing financial matters with their siblings also doesn’t help. This is true for 42% of boomers, 35% of Gen Xers, and 27% of millennials.
To prevent issues that might arise when living under the same roof in adulthood, Dr. Ilene said, “It’s important to establish clear expectations early on, such as setting boundaries around shared responsibilities, communication norms, and the arrangement duration,” as “creating mutual respect and open dialogue helps maintain harmony.”
Licensed marriage and family therapist Dr. Ilene S. Cohen says honesty and kindness are essential to ensuring relationships remain intact
Image credits: Eye for Ebony (not the actual photo)
In an older survey, most people said that letting someone stay at their place for a few nights lies well within the boundaries of good old-fashioned hospitality. After that, things get less clear. Generally, respondents felt that the shelf life of a free visit is about three to five days. Once it starts to border on a week or longer, a guest should probably offer to pay in the interest of fairness or consider giving a gift of a roughly equivalent level (not necessarily monetary).
About two-thirds of respondents also thought it was fair to simply treat guests as roommates for the duration of their stay. In other words, if someone stays for half a month, they should pay half a month’s rent and utility bills as if they were a regular roommate.
Of course, it feels like the terms for family members should be different. However, I believe we can agree that there is a line somewhere, especially if the initial deal was set on a very specific condition—like job hunting—and it’s not being met.
Dr. Ilene acknowledges that telling a family member or relative the arrangement is no longer working can be difficult, “but honesty paired with kindness is essential to ensuring relationships remain intact.”
“Start by choosing a calm, private moment to talk when emotions aren’t running high. Use ‘I’ statements to express your feelings without sounding accusatory. For example, instead of saying, ‘You’re not contributing enough,’ try, ‘I’m starting to feel overwhelmed with the current arrangement, and I need to talk about how we can adjust things,'” she advised.
“Be specific about what’s not working and offer potential solutions,” Dr. Ilene added. “For example, if a lack of contribution is the issue, you could suggest practical ways they could pitch in, like taking on specific chores or contributing to household supplies.”
“If it’s time to end the living arrangement, frame it as necessary for both of you. For instance, ‘I think it might be time to set a timeline for you to find your own space. I want to make sure we preserve our relationship, and I feel this will help us both.’ By acknowledging their efforts or the challenges they face, you can maintain empathy while being firm about your needs.”
The therapist highlighted that ultimately setting boundaries is a healthy and vital part of any relationship—especially when sharing space. So, by addressing the problems that arise, you are actually doing yourself and the other person a favor, and are trying to preserve whatever bond the two of you share. “The goal is to create an understanding where both parties’ needs are recognized and addressed,” Dr. Ilene said.
The woman added that she and her brother have a pretty good relationship overall
Most of the people who read her story said she’s not a jerk for asking her brother to pay up
However, some think she could be more understanding
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