It’s hard to become a homeowner in this economy, so couples who can should consider themselves pretty lucky. A common headache, though, is deciding who gets the rental they’ve lived in for years. That’s why some transfer their leases to friends: it’s a win-win situation for the former tenants, the friends, and the landlord at the same time.
This couple tried to do exactly that, but their MIL just had to step in and ruin everything. She thought her daughter deserved to take over the rental and already offered it up without consulting the couple. The wife went online to vent about her MIL constantly overstepping boundaries and to ask whether or not she was overreacting.
MILs often overstep boundaries, but this mother-in-law did so behind a couple’s back
Camandona / magnific (not the actual photo)
She infuriated her daughter-in-law by offering their rental to her own daughter despite the couple planning on transferring it to their friends
Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
The husband should be the one to enforce strict boundaries with his mother
Couples experience conflicts with in-laws differently. This story is a classic example of how wives are more often annoyed by their MILs’ controlling behavior and their constant overstepping of boundaries than vice versa.
The husband in this story thinks his wife is overreacting, although he agrees that his mom is acting inappropriately. Still, it doesn’t seem like he plans to have a serious conversation with her about her overbearing tendencies, and that can create extra friction and resentment between the couple.
Research shows that about 60% of women experience friction with their mothers-in-law, and only 15% of men can say the same. Many men don’t see a problem with their own parents’ overbearing behavior, causing their spouse to feel hurt, undermined, and ignored by their partner.
Carolyn Riviere, LMFT, writes that many couples who come to her practice have trouble with enmeshment with parents. It negatively affects both spouses, she writes. “When these behaviors happen in the adult child’s own home, the result is losing the safe haven of their own surroundings and home environment, leaving the spouse feeling undermined, invaded, or infantilized,” Riviere explains. “In addition, the boundary-[disrespected] spouse potentially starts feeling ‘un-defended and isolated’ from her partner.”
Nevertheless, she and other experts note that it’s the responsibility of the partner whose parents are overstepping to take charge in setting boundaries. The couple has to present a united front, of course, but the husband in this story should be the first one to tell his mother that she shouldn’t meddle in who gets their previous rental.
Essentially, the partner has to put the new family unit before his parents. “That doesn’t mean attacking their family, but rather reinforcing the boundary: ‘I love you, and I want a relationship with you, but I’m prioritizing my marriage,’” Riviere writes.
The MIL has no grounds for many of her claims regarding the baby, too, and the couple needs to set firm boundaries regarding their parenting choices early
If the couple allows the mother to overstep in the future, that might have serious repercussions for the relationship between the wife and the MIL. What’s more, the grandmother’s relationship with the grandchild might suffer, too, when the parents decide they’ve had enough and want to go low- or no-contact.
Each parent is allowed to raise their children however they want, and in-laws shouldn’t meddle in that. Nevertheless, many of the things the mother worries about and wants to implement in her parenting have been scientifically proven.
For example, kissing newborns during the first months of their lives can be dangerous and is generally advised by doctors to avoid. Only parents and main carers should kiss a baby on the face, according to the NHS, and visitors should wash their hands before touching the newborn, too.
Judging the mother for wanting to consider formula as a feeding alternative also seems like overstepping. Many parents successfully mix both approaches, and experts say that doing that is just fine.
“Combination feeding can offer the flexibility of formula with the bonding benefits of breastfeeding, making it a helpful option for working parents, parents managing low milk supply, or families sharing caregiving responsibilities,” the experts at Capital Area Pediatrics write.
Ultimately, it’s for parents to decide how they will raise the baby, what kind of birth the mother will have, and what kind of baby shower they’ll have. It’s important to tell overbearing in-laws a firm “No” so resentment doesn’t build and worse boundary violations can be avoided.
“This is about MIL going over our heads about something that’s none of her business,” the woman clarified her biggest issue in the comments
The commenters gave their verdict: not overreacting
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