Lost: ‘The Life and Death of Jeremy Bentham’ Recap

This week on Lost: Our brains reel over who is good and who is bad. Meanwhile Locke gets hurt in about 5 places – both physically and otherwise, makes out with a mango and learns that no good deed goes uninsulted.

Caesar walks around a dark office. He finds an interesting cache of items, including maps that have belonged to characters we know well. Ilana comes in asks if he found anything. He throws her a flashlight and fails to mention the gun he stuck in his bag. On their way back to the beach, she tells him they found a man who was just standing in the ocean wearing a suit. He was neither on plane, nor one of the ones who ‘disappeared.’Caesar approaches the man, who is sitting by the fire with a blanket over his head, and asks him what his name is. I guess they have him like that because technically he may be cold because he was wet but we all know what they were going for was a Jedi moment when he removes the blanket like a hood and says ‘John Locke.’

The name's Locke. John Locke. I'm... kind of a big deal around here.

The next morning Ilana and Locke have a little chat. She tells him there used to be three outrigger canoes, but that the pilot and ‘some woman’took off with one in the middle of the night. These are the same type of canoe that we saw at the deserted beach camp a few episodes ago. Ilana tells Locke no one remembers him. He’s not surprised since he doesn’t remember being on the plane. She comments on his nice suit and he says, ‘Thanks, it’s my funeral suit. And by ‘˜my funeral suit’I mean that in the most literal way possible.’She gets a weird look on her face and backs away from the crazy man.

Flashbackstory: We pick up from where John is turning the donkey wheel and find out that he ended up in the same spot in Tunisia as Ben did. He tries calling out for help but no one responds despite the fact that there is a camera pointed right at him. John hopes that if nothing else works out, at least maybe he’ll win 10,000 dinars from Tunisia’s Funniest Desert Surveillance Videos. Finally, after nightfall, a car comes flying up the road, narrowly missing him, and a bunch of men scoop him into the back of a pickup truck. They take him into a hospital and it’s all crazy and confusing. A doctory-looking guy grabs a handful of pills and some nasty water and shoves them down Locke’s gullet. Hey, it’s Jack’s kind of medicine! Only on other people! Locke looks around. In the shadows, watching all of this, Matthew Abaddon is lurking behind a curtain. The doc puts a stick in Locke’s teeth and tells him to bite. They start ripping sheets and washing down the fracture and the music is all screechy and tense and I can’t recap the next few moments because I’m not watching. I am cowering under my blanket until it’s over. But it sounds really gross and screamy and crunchy.

All in all, this is still more pleasant than being treated by Jack.

Once it’s safe to watch again, we see a sleeping Locke. A man sitting next to him tells him to wake up. Dude, wait until morning. He’s had a rough day. The man says that John had a compound fracture and he flew in a specialist to set his leg properly. So already John is on alert that he’d better be grateful. He says it’s nice to see John again, but John has no idea who he is. We know he’s Widmore but John hasn’t met this older version. He reminds him they met when Widmore was 17. He wants to know how much time has elapsed for John since he still looks exactly the same as he did 54 years ago. It’s been four John-days. Widmore knows Locke is there because he’s the one who set the camera up to watch the exit. So did he see Ben exit? Why does he seem unaware that Ben is off the island? He tells a story about how a long, long time ago, on an island far, far away he was the leader of the Others. But then Ben tricked Widmore into leaving and assumed command. Widmore thinks Ben did the same to Locke because he would never choose to leave the island voluntarily, right? Wrong. He quickly realizes Locke must be trying to get the O6 back. Locke poorly tries to deny it. Widmore breaks the news to Locke that the O6 have been home for 3 years and have new lives now. He shows Locke a conveniently available and incredibly well preserved three year old newspaper as proof. Despite the poor odds, Widmore says he’s going to help him because, he tells Locke, there is a war coming and if Locke doesn’t get back there, the wrong side will win.

Widmore gives Locke a passport, a folder, and a phone. His new name is Jeremy Bentham. Widmore figures that if John’s parents have a sense of humor and can name him after a philosopher, then why can’t he? Man, there’s nothing funnier than philosopher name humor! Woo boy, I’m gonna need a moment to settle down after that knee slapper! Anyway, the phone is international, and Widmore is in his circle. He needs only press 23 to reach him. In the folder is the whereabouts of all the O6ers. By the way, he tells him, Locke should keep Widmore’s involvement on the DL since Ben is a lying liar that lies about him all the time. But, as the person who sent a boatload of C4 and mercenaries how can Widmore be trusted? He claims that that was to get Ben out of the way so Locke could take over. Which he did. So why did he have to leave again?? Widmore reiterates that the island needs Locke and Locke asks what’s so special about him. Widmore says ‘Because you are. Yes you are! Who’s a special guy? You are!’and gives him a belly rub. An SUV drives up and Widmore says it is for Locke. Locke then brings up the tiny detail that, according to Richard he has to die. Widmore promises he’ll do everything in his power to make sure that doesn’t happen. Oh, well, that’s reassuring. Matthew Abaddon gets out of the van and Widmore ‘introduces’them. Locke clearly recognizes him but doesn’t acknowledge that. Matthew grabs a wheelchair from the back of the SUV. And thank goodness, because it’s a whole four feet between Locke’s seat and the SUV. You can’t possibly expect Matthew to, you know, pull closer or anything.

On the road. Matthew is telling Locke that anything he wants, he can get for him. An old girlfriend’s number, information, a flat screen TV, pizza, maybe the number for an old girlfriend… Everything but crutches apparently. Matthew points out that the whole world thinks he’s dead, there must be somebody out there that would be happy to hear he’s alive. Anyone? An old girlfriend? No? Great. So now Locke’s back in the dreaded wheelchair and being reminded that nobody cares whether he’s dead or alive. Locke tells Matthew to stop talking to him and goes back to thinking about a less painful time; like when his compound fracture was being set without an anesthetic. Ah, good times, good times.

You better get going, he's been holding that pose now for over a week.

Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic: Sayid is building a roof in the exact same pose and spot that was in Widmores folder! That folder must be able to see into the future! Unless the plane from Tunisia to Santo Domingo flashed back in time! Sayid thinks what Locke’s proposing is crazy, and refuses to go baaack. He has a point; he’s already on a tropical island surrounded by people in matching outfits. Sayid tells him he spent two years being manipulated by Ben into thinking he was protecting the people on the island. Locke says that he knows that Sayid knows that they never should have left. Sayid points out that by leaving, he was able to marry the love of his life. He tells him it was the best nine months of his life. John asks where she is now. D’oh!! Ixnay on the ifeway, Ohnjay!!! Sayid tells him she was murdered. Sayid wants to know what the real reason is John needs to go back. Is it because he has nowhere else to go, he snarks. John tells him if he changes his mind he can find him in LA at the Westerfield Hotel. Sayid tells him if he changes his mind and wants to do some real good for a change, he can come back to Santo Domingo.

New York, NY: Matthew and Locke are sitting in the car outside a school in Manhattan. Locke casually asks Matthew about that whole looking up an ex-girlfriend offer, and asks him to find Helen Norwood. The school bell rings and we see Walt exit the school. Walt sees Locke, and excuses himself from the group to come over to him. Walt is not surprised to see Locke because he has been having dreams about him on an island in a suit, surrounded by people who want to hurt him. Locke doesn’t understand that at this point but hopefully after the island brings him back to life, rids him of the embalming fluid and heals his leg he will remember this and be forewarned. Then things get awkward when Walt asks where his dad is. Locke tells him that last he knew Michael was on a freighter near the island. Walt’s special powers do not include a bullsh*t detector. Locke says he just wanted to make sure Walt was ok, and Walt says he is. They part warmly. Abaddon snarks that he’s not doing so hot in the collecting people department. Locke tries to sting back and then says that all he needs is one person to agree and the rest will be convinced but it just sounds kind of whiny. Locke does not ask Walt to go back because he figures the kid has been through enough. Meanwhile, we discover they are being watched.

I'm in ur 'hood, stalking teenage boys. I mean, Locke. I'm stalking Locke! Nothing to see here, move along.

Santa Rosa, CA: Hurley is hanging out painting again at the mental institute. This time he is working on a picture of a sphinx. Locke rolls up to him all, ‘Hey! Betcha didnt expect to see me again, huh? Huh? Pretty cool to see me, Huh? Huh?’But Hurley tells him, ‘Nah, dead Losties always come to see me.’Locke tells him he’s actually not dead, so Hurley asks a nurse if theres a guy in a wheelchair sitting there. She says yes, and that’s when Hurley jumps up like he’s seen a ghost. Locke gives him his spiel but Hurley, of course, isn’t interested, and doubts the others will be either, since they have such great lives now. Then Hurley sees Abaddon. He tries to warn Locke that he’s being watched, but Locke says, ‘Don’t worry. He’s with me.’Hurley, however is now doubly worried, and calls the discussion over. And by ‘calls’I mean he jumps up, sticks his fingers in his ears and goes lalalalalalala. The orderlies help him inside.

Watch out for that guy, he's obsessed with upholstery! All he talks about is patterns, fringe... it's creepy.

In the car, Matthew speaks of the frustration Locke is feeling. He tells Locke he’d better step up his game or they are in big trouble. Locke snaps at him, and asks him what exactly he does for Widmore. Matthew turns off the car and turns around to look Locke square in the eye. He asks him if he’s ever going to admit that he recognizes him as the orderlie that sent him on his quest to do the walkabout, the trip that got Locke to the island in the first place. Locke kind of withers and admits it. Abaddon says his job is to get people where they need to go.

Los Angeles, CA: We jump right into the middle of Lockes visit with Kate. She is unimpressed with the idea that everyone on the island is going to die if they don’t go back. Even though the whole thing where they lied to their rescuers and claimed Aaron was hers was ostensibly to save the others. He can’t believe she doesnt care about them. She asks if he’s ever been in love, and that she thinks about Locke sometimes. The viewing audience starts making up Locke-Kate shipper names. Late? Ko– Wait, don’t go there…. Not what she’s talking about apparently. She accuses John of being an over-obsessed-with-island freak because he’s never been in love. He says he was in love once, but he lost her because he became an over-obsessed-with-daddy freak. She’s like, ‘See where I’m going with this?’and Locke is like ‘Kinda.’

I can't go back. They don't have L'Oréal products there! And John... I'm worth it!

Back in the car, Locke again snaps off Abadoon’s head. Sure, he can track down a Spanish speaking Iraqi hit man on an island in the Caribbean, but he can’t find Locke’s old girlfriend? Wow, that’s really a sign she’s not that into you. Abaddon finally shuts Locke up by taking him to a gravestone that says ‘Helen Norwood.’Apparently she died of an aneurysm in 2006. Locke laments that she loved him and that they could have had a life together. Except for that whole dead thing, Abaddon points out. John wonders if life is predetermined. Abaddon answers by asking him if he thinks he really is going to die, or does he have a choice? As Abaddon loads John’s wheelchair into the car, gunshots ring out and blood spatters all over the car. Two more shots and Abaddon slumps to the ground. Locke panics and jumps into the front seat and speeds off, operating the gas pedal with his cast. He skids and speeds and runs a red light, getting T-boned by two different cars. He ends up unconscious and bleeding from the head.

Remember I said you owe me one? Well, how about a ride?

He wakes up in the hospital with Jack, who has brought along his mini-beard and his crappy bedside manners. Locke launches into his ‘We have to go baaaack’speech. Sometimes a hello is a nice way to start a conversation, John. You might try it sometime. Jack (surprise surprise) isn’t interested in going baaack (yet), and adds some verbal head kicking by telling Locke that the idea that he’s special is a delusion and that he should consider the idea that he is just a lonely old man who crashed on an island. Ouch. The island needs to screen who it wants on the guest list a little better. Locke tells Jack his father says hello. Jack staggers again and this time it’s not because of the pills (I think). Locke has figured out that since Christian was neither Iraqi nor Hispanic, and because he’s a condescending creep, he must be related to Jack. Jack tries to argue that his dad is dead, but it’s clear he isnt convincing himself, er, I mean Locke. This could be why, when Jack gets himself suspended later, he talks about his dad as if he’s still alive.

Why do I smell bedouins and failure?

It is sometime later but I have no idea when. Seriously, this is pretty confusing, because Locke clearly has the scrapes from the car accident and they appear fresh. More on that in a moment. As Locke writes a letter and prepares an electrical cord it looks as though he has decided to kill himself. He gets on a table, steadying himself with a crutch and places the cord-noose around his neck. Suddenly there is knocking and then the door bursts open. It’s Ben, and he rushes to John’s side and begs him to reconsider. Ben tries to convince him he’s trying to protect him. For example, Abaddon was planning to kill Locke so Ben shot him. Ben tells John that he’s a special boy and lures him off the table with Snausages. Also, all is not lost, because Jack booked a flight to Sydney and back for that night. So here’s the confusing part. Jack had a regular beard and a job when he saw John recently, but when he reads about ‘Jeremy Bentham’s” death he has a beard that looks like a fisher cat attached itself to his chin and he’s been suspended from his job. Oh I get it. Locke doesn’t die right now, right? It must happen months from now. Ok, moving on. Locke tells Ben that Jin is alive and Ben seems surprised. Ben says when they can get everyone together they’ll think of something to get back. John says, ‘no it’s all good, I know who we need. A lady named Eloise Hawking. What, do you know her?’Ben gets all creepy again and says he does indeed know her. But he’s afraid he will not be able to provide an introduction because at that moment he strangles John. What the eff, Lost? Unless you’re explanation is that the pills Jack was popping were testosterone and his beard sprouted overnight, and he didn’t actually treat John at the hospital because St. Sebastian’s just lets him wear the jacket and wander the halls and pays him in jello, well then I just don’t know how this can be justified. Ben hoists John up and stages it too look like he really did hang himself. Wow. For a mousy little guy Ben is amazingly strong. I can’t see how he pulled that off. I mean Jill, maybe, but Ben? No way.

I'm definitely not wearing my underwear.

We’re back on Hydra Island and Ben is entering an office to speak with Caesar, who is kicking back reading a file. Locke tells him that the symbol on the front is for the Dharma Initiative, and that he spent over 100 days on the island before they crashed. Caesar asks how long ago he left, but now John doesn’t want to sound crazy so he just says that would confuse Caesar. He also genuinely doesn’t know how he got there. Caesar figures that that isn’t worth following up on, so, even though he ‘knows’Locke wasn’t ‘on’the plane he asks him to explain how it was that some people on the plane just disappeared into thin air. John’s starting to figure things out but he really wants to see the passenger list. That, unfortunately has been taken by the pilot. Caesar mentions there were some passengers that were wounded, and brings Locke back to see them. Locke peruses the cots full of injured passengers before settling on, and staring at one person in particular. Caesar asks if Locke knows him. Locke says, ‘Oh that’s just Ben. Whatever you do, don’t say ‘Eloise Hawking’ around him; it sort of sets him off.”