Hailed as one of the funniest comedians in American history, Groucho Marx quotes give a glimpse into the mind of this master. Living from 1890 till 1977, Groucho Marx came into this world, made us laugh, and left a legacy in the form of quotes and jokes. Some of these quotes by Groucho Marx can also act as life lessons. After all, comedy and life have much more in common than it seems.
Groucho Marx and his brothers are the masters of classic jokes that made people laugh in the 20th century. Groucho himself might be the master of the wittiest one-liners to have ever graced the screens. Of course, once famous Groucho Marx one-liners and quotes have somewhat deteriorated over the years. Yet the meaning behind the string of funny words is still as impactful as ever.
Good thought-provoking quotes are usually found in the funniest jokes in the world. And the master of many of them is the man himself. Call them jokes or thought-provoking sayings, but we have compiled the best quotes from Groucho Marx. If there is a quote from him that you liked, upvote it. On the other hand, if you have something to share about this brilliant comedian, do so in the comments below.
#1 Mistakes Are Optional
“Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.” – Groucho Marx
#2 Masterclass in Sarcasm
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx
#3 Own Your Mood Today
“I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.” – Groucho Marx
#4 Snark Level: Expert
“I have nothing but respect for you — and not much of that.” – Groucho Marx
#5 Membership Irony
“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” – Groucho Marx
#6 Self-Deprecation Pros Allowed
“If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.” -Groucho Marx
#7 Equal Opportunity Annoyance
“I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.” – Groucho Marx
#8 Perfectly Polite Shade
“I have had a wonderful time but this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx
#9 Flexible Morals Ahead
“Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.” – Groucho Marx
#10 Honesty, But Make It Fake
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.” – Groucho Marx
#11 Mixed-Up Mysteries
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.” – Groucho Marx
#12 Partner In Crime
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.” – Groucho Marx
#13 Mad Logic Unleashed
“Humor is reason gone mad.” – Groucho Marx
#14 Exceptionally Forgetful
“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Groucho Marx
#15 Meals Over Madness
“I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.” – Groucho Marx
#16 Not All Omens Are Real
“If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.” – Groucho Marx
#17 Best Friend Plot Twist
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.” – Groucho Marx
#18 Money’s Own Misery
“While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.” – Groucho Marx
#19 Cells Just Wanna Have Fun
“Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.” – Groucho Marx
#20 Quiet Confidence Moments
“Before I speak, I have something important to say.” – Groucho Marx
#21 Love’s Blind Spots
“She’s so in love with me, she doesn’t know anything. That’s why she’s in love with me.” – Groucho Marx
#22 Books Over Screens
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” – Groucho Marx
#23 Perfectly Imperfect Wisdom
“Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.” – Groucho Marx
#24 Forever In Progress
“I intend to live forever, or die trying.” – Groucho Marx
#25 Unapologetically Opposed
“Whatever it is, I’m against it.” – Groucho Marx
#26 Mastering the Art of Losing
“Why, look at me. I’ve worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.” – Groucho Marx
#27 Time Heals Nothing Quite Right
“Time wounds all heels.” – Groucho Marx
#28 Replay Worthy
“If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.” – Groucho Marx
#29 Born Ready, Apparently
“I must admit, I was born at an early age. ” – Groucho Marx
#30 Polite Rebellion
“Do you mind if I don’t smoke?” – Groucho Marx
#31 Women Call The Shots
“Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.” – Groucho Marx
#32 Booked for Punishment
“I love to read. My education is self-inflicted.” – Groucho Marx
#33 Fun Is Nonnegotiable
“If you’re not having fun, you’re doing something wrong.” – Groucho Marx
#34 Send In The Experts
“A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.” – Groucho Marx
#35 Oldest Trick in the Book
“Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.” – Groucho Marx
#36 Laughing Through the Dark
“The only real laughter comes from despair.” – Groucho Marx
#37 Counting Every Minute
“A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.” – Groucho Marx
#38 Channel Surfing Wisdom
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you’re probably watching the wrong channel.” – Groucho Marx
#39 Cheers To Beliefs
“Everyone must believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.” – Groucho Marx
#40 Love or Confinement?
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” – Groucho Marx
#41 Books Worth Procrastinating For
“From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.” – Groucho Marx
#42 Marriage, According to Groucho
“Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.” – Groucho Marx
#43 Follow the Crowd
“Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women.” – Groucho Marx
#44 Next Time, No Chat
“Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.” – Groucho Marx
#45 Living Dangerously, Cheers
“Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!” – Groucho Marx
#46 Here’s a fitting title for the image:
“Friendly But Firm”
“We’ll meet at the theater tonight. I’ll hold your seat ’til you get there. Once you get there; you’re on your own.” – Groucho Marx
#47 Mom’s Tough Love
“My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.”
– Groucho Marx
#48 Irony At Its Best
“Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” – Groucho Marx
#49 Age Is Just a Feeling
“A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.” – Groucho Marx
#50 Seeing Is Overrated
“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.” – Groucho Marx
#51 Simple Pleasures, Slightly Complicated
“Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.” – Groucho Marx
#52 Inherited with a Twist
“She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.” – Groucho Marx
#53 Truth or Dare?
“A likely story — and probably true.” – Groucho Marx
#54 Closet Confessions
“I like pancakes, but I haven’t got a closet full of them.” – Groucho Marx
#55 Truth or Trickery
“There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says “yes” you know he is a crook.” – Groucho Marx
#56 Keep Your Friends Close
“Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.” – Groucho Marx
#57 Sock It To Me
“I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.” – Groucho Marx
#58 When Cash Gets Complicated
“Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.” – Groucho Marx
#59 Quiet Power Players
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” – Groucho Marx
#60 Welcome to the Chaos
“Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.” – Groucho Marx
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