America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars 17.08 “Game” Review

Hey, you guys wanna know something wild?

Pot ledom is Top Model…only backwards.

Crazy, huh? Know how I know that?

We were hit over the head with it for the entirety of Wednesday night’s episode of Top Model, including hearing it in the seven songs that the remaining wannabe modelebrities wrote in, like, 20 minutes.

Yes, “Game” found Top Model hitting the music industry right in the junk, repeatedly, until the music industry finally gave in and let them film a music-themed episode. Tough battle, that was. As we all know, being a whatever-the-hell-this-show-is-trying-to-produce is all about creating a music career, because when I think modeling, I think the likes of this, this, and this. Totally.

In all honesty, it was a fairly fun episode of All-Stars thanks to the ridiculousness of the challenge, as opposed to most episodes this season, which have been dragged down because of the seemingly random assortment of tasks the girls have been asked to do. Of course, there was this whole spiel from Mr. Jay about how they’re trying to go viral and I wrote a stupid comment about the herp in my notes to try and contain my disdain for that concept being discussed, but “Game” featured a challenge that actually allowed the girls to be creative and didn’t actively set out to embarrass them. You could argue that having people who aren’t used to singing in front of other people record in a famous studio (The Village) on national television is the highest form of tele-bullying (It Gets Autotuned), but once production came and shellacked most of these songs to within an inch of their life, everybody was fairly safe from looking too bad.

My personal favorites of the bunch were Allison’s ethereal, Japanime-ish “Underwater” and Lisa’s hood-rich “I Be Like Whoa”, as they captured the essence of what this whole wretched cycle was supposed to be about in the first place. The two had the most clearly defined, unique “brands” of the videos that were made and I wish the show was emphasizing that knowing who you are and being that 100% is one of the most important things about becoming a model/celebrity. Audiences can spot fakeness pretty reliably and if you come with something half-hearted or inauthentic, there’s no way you’re going to breakthrough and thus far in the season, Allison and Lisa seem to have “brands” that set them apart from the other contestants. It was interesting that the two of them, arguably polar opposites in every way, would end up on top of the Top Model scrum, but Allison’s touching tribute to her recently departed father and Lisa’s in-your-face, energetic booty shaker showcased the individuality of both ladies quite well.

What killed any momentum the episode may have garnered was the fact that it was such a muddled concept. Are these girls going for a music career with these videos or are they just trying to get clicks? Because the history of models/TV personalities trying to sing is spotty at best and there’s no way anyone would take a well-known model’s music career seriously, so why would you want your video to be a hit online when people are only clicking it to make fun of it? (I know it’s all about exposure, but at what cost?) The show used Rebecca Black as a positive example of the power of viral marketing and while “Friday” was a sensation for a while, even garnering a cover on Glee, it hasn’t done anything major to boost her career. Sure, it sold moderately well on iTunes and has given her name recognition, but it hasn’t made people take her seriously and follow-up attempts have been pretty much ignored. Anything she does in the entertainment industry from here on out will inevitably be mocked/tarnished because of, yes, her “viral video”.

That whole “wait, what is this supposed to be?” quality extended to the cameos by Tyra (who was apparently mid-moult while wearing her best Jane Fonda-circa-1983 Halloween costume) and Youtube phenomenon Keenan Cahill, as the two were interjected into every video and lip synced to each song. What kind of career is Tyra wanting the winner of this show to have, exactly? Does she want them to be a legitimate model/TV personality that can possibly open up doors for future winners/contestants of this dog-and-pony? Or does she want to create a “celebutante” that tries to get as much media coverage as they can get, whether it be positive or negative? At this point, I’m leaning toward the latter, which is a shame because the former would have been such a good thing for the show as a whole; the winner of this show will want to have a lengthy career in the fashion/entertainment industry and I don’t see that happening if they were to do videos like this. It may make for a silly episode of television, but that’s not what this cycle of Top Model was supposed to be about and at this point, I don’t think any of the remaining contestants are prepared enough to penetrate the pop culture consciousness.

While I did enjoy “Game” for what its worth, America’s Next Top Model: I Watch So You Don’t Have To has been a flawed exercise in Tyra’s ridiculousness and there are enough holes in the logic of this thing to sink a fleet of aircraft carriers. Per usual with cycle 17, I see the idea of the episode well; it’s just that the execution was, well, lacking, to say the least. 2011 is a world where the internet and technology play a pivotal role in the shaping of culture and having the girls familiarize themselves with how to connect to a large body of people while showcasing their personality seems like a worthy challenge for any Top Model cycle. However, it seems like the show wants its remaining contestants to focus more on getting their name out there by any means necessary, regardless of whether a move will leave them unbookable for a job or if they’ll become more of a punchline than a semi-respected member of the entertainment industry. I keep wanting to love Top Model: All-Stars and while “Game” was the closest I’ve come this cycle to embracing the cray-cray, there’s still too much wrong with it to fully latch hold to.

Thoughts, Quotes, & Observations:

• “It’s just like…freakishly freaking her out.”
• “Damn! Could this girl stop winning? Please.”
• “I still don’t feel like you’re married to the car.”
• “Now people are hearing music with their eyes.”
• Alexandria is gone, which I agreed with as her performance was stiff and awkward, but how Shannon is still there, I’ll never know.
• If you want to check out the Youtube channels for Madison and Keenan Cahill, two of tonight’s guest stars, they’re here and here.
• Game’s crush on Allison was very sweet. Plus, he’s one of the best guest judges the show’s had this season, so I enjoyed having him around.
• Dominique was flawless in her video. I’ve never been a huge fan of her look, but with that lighting and in that outfit, she was mesmerizing. To me, she was a combination of Leona Lewis, Beyonce, and Jennifer Lopez, all weave and bronze and fierceness.
• Of the songs played tonight, I would honestly buy Lisa’s, Allison’s, Angelea’s, and Dominique’s. Shameful, I know. Three of those would be good work out/house cleaning songs and the other would be a good song to write to, so sue me. No, don’t sue me.
• It was revealed today that cycle 17’s finale date is December 7th. I think we need to have a prayer circle or a candlelight vigil afterwards, don’t you? Or at least a group hug for surviving this beautiful disaster together.
• Next week: The remaining modeloonies will get a chance to collaborate on what could be their final runway gown, while Shannon’s weird moral code continues giving me fits.