America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars 17.05 “LaToya Jackson” Review

What do you get when you cross LaToya Jackson, the Kardashian sisters, and drag impersonations of an icon no longer with us?

Give up?

Me, too and apparently so has Top Model, as “LaToya Jackson” proved once and for all that the show has pretty much bailed on all sense of fashion legitimacy this go around. I don’t know why I keep expecting America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars to turn things around and become a beacon of couture realness, but once again, the reality in this reality competition series took over and we were subjected to an episode even loopier and tackier than usual.

It’s not that the show was poor in idea. I don’t mind the Kardashians stopping by, as they’re at least involved in the fashion industry and they’ve been famous for long enough to where they could impart some decent knowledge how to handle yourself in the public eye. They may not always make the right moves, but the three sisters have shown that they know how to build and exploit a brand, which was supposed to be the central theme of All-Stars. Naturally, the show didn’t give the girls a chance to pick the brains of the celebutantes, choosing instead to have another gimmicky runway challenge (this time, on a carousel) and let the Kardashians judge. The winner(s) received an outfit of clothes from the Kardashian Kollection, a fashion mosaic of animal prints, structured jackets, and horrible, horrible metallics, but you know? It felt so pointless and stale. Top Model has gotten a lot of mileage out of the “hey, let’s embarrass pretty women” gag in its 17 cycles, particularly with runway challenges on elevated platforms, involving treadmills, and utilizing gigantic swinging pendulums, so adding in a fast-moving carousel makes sense within the confines of the show, but in the real world?

I know that Tyra mentioned a show that used a moving runway and I have no doubt that designers have unusual aesthetics, but is this really helping them build their brand or do something useful with their time? What are the girls getting out of a moving runway show in cheap-looking clothes in front of 7 people? I like when the show throws curveballs in the runway shows, as it shows that a model has to always think on her feet and be prepared to dive into anything given to her, but the carousel challenge was lazy and beneath what the show can do.

So, we had a mostly poor challenge, but there’d be a fabulous photo shoot to make up for it, no?

No.

I liked Michael Jackson’s music and honestly, LaToya Jackson is cute as a button, but there’s no reason to have this photo shoot. If the focus of the season is building one’s brand and establishing a clear identity for yourself, why are the girls having to imitate the movements/persona of a man with a very specific identity? There’s very little room for interpretation in a photo shoot like this, so the finished products end up being the same photo 10 times. You could argue that that’s why it was such a good challenge, in that you had to focus more on the way the model’s moved and how they controlled their body, especially with their faces mostly covered, but the Michael Jackson photo shoot told me absolutely nothing about any of these girls and who they are as models. (Isn’t the point of this cycle that we find out who everybody is and what they can bring to a job?) The show has done celebrity inspired photo shoots in the past, but those allowed the girls to play a little more and there was a wide enough variety of celebrity that it didn’t feel redundant.

So, poor challenge and boring photo shoot with zero relevance? There must have been good drama or an intriguing panel…

Nope.

The drama, I’ll give you, was some of the best of the season, but it amounted to nothing less than the fact that Bianca is the worst. She’s Jade without the delusions of grandeur and rhyming ability, a walking, talking, breathing epitome of a model stereotype. Bianca’s pissy, entitled attitude this season has been one of the major downers, mostly because everybody else has been kind of chill and she ends up looking even crazier by comparison, but she was insufferable throughout “LaToya Jackson”. I have no idea how she’s been able to stay signed to Ford because if this is the type of display that she puts on on a regular basis, she must be pooping out photos of Naomi Campbell caliber, as she seems like a miserable person to work with. The crying, the obvious insecurity around other girls, the oversensitivity – Bianca doesn’t need a gig on Extra, she needs some anger management and intensive therapy, because the whole “coalition forming against her” thing with Bre was less funny-sad and more sad-sad.

When LaToya Jackson announced that nobody was being eliminated this episode, I just had to laugh. Of course, of course that happened because this is Top Model and up is down, the sky is bright green, and time has no meaning. I have no idea if (or when) we’re in for a double elimination, since LaToya Jackson just upset the space-time continuum (or something), but it looks like these are the type of curveballs America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars is content with throwing at us these days. It’s obvious that the show didn’t want to lose either Angelea or Lisa, two of its more unpredictable models, and this just seemed like a last second producer intervention dressed up as a well-meaning gesture from the guest judge. Not even Tyra’s sudden swagger jacking of Maria Bello could save “LaToya Jackson” and if a jaunty fedora can’t breathe some life into the proceedings, I don’t know what can.

Thoughts, Quotes, & Observations:

• “All I was thinking was, don’t fall’.” I see Angelea and I have the same thought process.
• “Who dressed Miss J today?”
• Likely promoted by her cousin the Excuse Monster, Lisa is apparently the Sheriff of Top Model Town. Does that make me the town crier?
• Laura got first call out, so we still don’t have a front runner. I think Allison is the favorite right now, but in Top Model world, logic and results have no place. More blackface!
• It looks like a couple of past contestants aren’t feeling this season, either.
• As gaudy as the Kardashian Kollection was, I really liked Khloe’s top at the challenge.
• It feels like they’re looking for America’s Next Top Polarizing Figure instead of…well, whatever they’re looking for this cycle. Tyra booting Brittany for not making a mark and keeping Lisa despite her Hipster Rosie the Riveter chic is proof of that.
• Alexandria was serving biracial butterfly realness with her mixed metaphor about sharks and big dogs. I almost shed a tear.
• Next week: Powder puff football on the beach, where Bianca gets physical. No word if you can hear her body talk.