America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars seemingly turned a corner last week with its music video extravaganza, which was on the right side of the show’s self-aware campiness and provided a surprising amount of listenable tunes. (Confession: I’ve caught myself singing “I Be Like Whoa” multiple times since the episode aired.) I’ve managed to stick with the all-star cycle through awful challenges, incoherent judging, and an array of mixed messages about what this season was actually about (spoiler alert: not modeling), so in the back of my mind, I thought this would be the point where the show really ramped up.
Apparently I haven’t been paying attention to the last 16 cycles of Top Model, as All-Stars reverted right back to the foolishness the second the girls headed to Greece. One would think that the show would capitalize on the scenic beaches and gorgeous architecture of the country in order to produce some seriously stunning photo shoots, but oh no, that would be much too simple and, well, logical for Top Model: Irrelevance Island. Instead of something akin to, say, every Italian shoot from season two that emphasized the beauty of their surroundings in a series of professional, gorgeous, high fashion photos, we got the girls posing in a giant Greek salad and pouring olive oil all over themselves.
Like…what?
There’s no disputing that they brought their A-game during the shoot, as this was the most consistent shoot in terms of quality yet, but this is something that irks me about the show. It can have a really good idea and then throw in something kooky or too over-the-top that takes you right out of the moment. It feels like the show deems it more important to continually objectify its contestants and put them into awkward, uncomfortable positions for the “glee” of the audience as opposed to trusting in the personalities they’ve cast to provide for compelling television. I think the shoot wouldn’t have lost any of its entertainment value had the girls not been commodified and tossed into something that looked like a lost challenge from Double Dare circa 1992. The fact that Top Model is embracing its kitsch factor this season isn’t the problem, as the show has always been a little quirky; the problem is that these girls have to be taken seriously at some point once their time on the show has run out, so the powers that be need to put them in the proper position to get a fair shake in the real world of modeling/entertainment. There’s been a kerfuffle over the fact that Top Model has yet to produce a top model on the level of a Tyra, a Naomi, or a Christy, but when the contestants are being forced to pose in a huge Greek salad, eating hot dogs, or imitating Michael Jackson, it’s not hard to see why there hasn’t been a breakthrough 17 cycles in.
As always, I could get around the girls having to serve crouton realness if there were other strong elements in the episode, but alas, “Nikos Papadopolous” wasn’t a good enough episode to overcome yet another strange shoot. I actually appreciated the fact that the challenge not only got to the root of what the season was supposedly going to be about, as it gave the girls a lesson in public speaking, but it allowed the pathetically underused Ms. Jay to get some camera time. I have no idea why Jay hasn’t been featured much in the past few cycles, considering that he always brings the attitude and actually teaches the girls something in the process, but his brief appearance in Wednesday’s episode was enough to make me long for the days of cobblestone walkways and imitations of contestants. It strikes me funny that the show has been all about projecting the message of “we’re looking for someone more well-rounded” in terms of the winner, while simultaneously not giving the contestants enough of an avenue to hone their talents. Plus, as a critic, it’s hard to get a gauge on who the best woman for the job is when we’re not getting full exposure to what everybody can conceivably do, y’know? I just wish the challenge would have went further and been a touch more realistic, as the winner of America’s Next Top Reality Footnote won’t exactly be holding airport-based press conferences with foreign dignitaries and hoards of press in the future.
However, one thing I will give the show credit for is getting rid of Shannon, which came at least a couple of weeks too late. I enjoyed Shannon, for the most part, in her first season, but in All-Stars, she felt very blank to me in her modeling. There was no fire, no urgency, no wow factor that some of the other girls have shown in their photos and combined with her confusing selective morality regarding the age old underwear vs. swimsuit debate, it was obviously her time to go. As mentioned above, this cycle has made some weird judging decisions, so it was damn near refreshing to see the correct bottom two (Shannon and Laura, whose photo was less sexbomb and more Walking Dead extra), the correct elimantee (Shannon), and the correct first callout (Dominique, who has smashed it the last few weeks). If the show can right the ship regarding who it eliminates and what it asks of its contestants, maybe America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars can overcome its sluggish start and pull out a decent finish.
Maybe?
No?
No, probably not.
Thoughts, Quotes, & Observations:
- “I wouldn’t put a block of cheese between your legs.”
- Mr. Jay’s comment about Angelea’s lack of “core strength” was infuriating. Angelea is nowhere near fat or in need of weight loss; she, like every other model in the world, needs to know her angles and what flatters her the most. Tyra goes on and on about how much she tries to help young girls in terms of self-esteem and body image, but keeping someone on your staff who makes those kind of comments goes against that brand about 5000%.
- Andre’s Memoirs of a Geisha realness when announcing the international destination was everything to me.
- Another good thing about tonight’s episode was the fact that the girls got to help design their final runway gown. I hate that we didn’t get many clues as to how they’ll look, but that’s the type of fresh twists that the show could stand to incorporate more.
- Shannon needs to hook herself up with a Christian modeling agency ASAP. I’ll get her started: here, here, here, here, or here.
- The only thing keeping me from hopping aboard the Lisa Express is that she can easily look very, very harsh outside of her pictures. Case in point: her look at panel.
- Angelea is apparently a history buff. What I’d give to discuss the Franco-Prussian War with 716…
- Next week: Tons of liquor and the girls have to judge each other. 716 is, shall we say, not into it.
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I agree with you on a lot of things in this article except one. When they were talking about Angelea’s core, he wasn’t talking about weight. He meant she didn’t hold her middle (core) of her body right. Her back wasn’t straight up and her stomach and hips weren’t tight. I’m in physical therapy and my therapist talks about how my core is weak. I was just telling you that he didn’t mean weight, he meant how she held her body.