Toxic masculinity, macho culture, chauvinism, misogynism, and the manosphere. We hear a lot about how rigid and destructive masculine norms pressure men to be violently dominant, emotionally closed off and opposed to anything that’s seen as remotely ‘feminine.’ But something we don’t often speak about is the flip side of the coin: toxic femininity.
Experts describe it as a form of internalized misogyny that sees women restricting themselves to stereotypically “feminine” behaviors in order to appeal to men. And they say it’s more common than many of us might think.
People have been sharing examples of toxic femininity in a series of online threads. From motherhood, to beauty standards, and self-inflicted martyrdom, Bored Panda has put together some of the best ‘definitions of womanhood’ that scream ‘toxic femininity.’
#1
The concept of motherhood in general seems to bring out a lot of toxic behaviour. Whether or not a woman chooses to become a mother, and if she does every action or decision after that seems to be up for judgment and criticism. Those “mommy” groups on Facebook all seem to devolve into a pit of negativity eventually.
Image source: notweirdifitworks, Sarah Chai / Pexels
Some believe that toxic femininity is about women using their “feminine” qualities to manipulate men. But many experts argue that’s not the case. In reality, they say toxic femininity involves a woman restricting their behavior to fit stereotypically feminine traits that men supposedly find pleasing.
It’s more common, and more harmful, than many might think. According to Monica Vermani, a clinical psychologist and author of A Deeper Wellness: Conquering Stress, Mood, Anxiety and Traumas, toxic femininity can affect a woman’s health and well-being by increasing stress levels, sabotaging their sense of identity, contributing to a feeling of powerlessness, and leading to unhealthy relationships.
#2
One example I’d say is strict adherence to beauty standards. Like how there are women who will literally never leave their house without make-up. Never. And some women will judge other women for not following beauty trends. I’ve heard women insult other women over so many things, like not wearing makeup, not wearing makeup the “right” way, not shaving enough body parts, not wearing a bra, wearing open-toed shoes with unpainted toenails, the list goes on.
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#3
The most recent thing I have heard from women is that some women tell other women that they aren’t “real women” if they adopt or otherwise don’t experience pregnancy or vaginal birth.
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“Both toxic masculinity and femininity are unhealthy as they pressure individuals to fit a mold rather than strive to live and relate to others authentically, as their highest and best selves,” explains the expert.
Licensed therapist Meaghan Rice, says that toxic femininity often happens as a subconscious effort to find value or feel accepted in a patriarchal society. In some cases women are explicitly told to conform to traditional stereotypes. In others, they attempt to align with those stereotypes themselves.
#4
Self inflicted martyrdom. My mum would go on and on about how much she does for the family (which was a lot and I am grateful) and about how we all did nothing but she would never tell us how to do anything. We were small kids, we didn’t know how to do any chores or what’s expected because she never showed us. She would make us feel guilty for existing because by us existing she had more work. And the kicker is when you’d try and be like “alright, what can I do to help and make your life easier?” she’d respond “nothing”. I love her but lord this was exhausting to live with and I notice this trait more in women than men.
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#5
My boss: “You wouldn’t be a good teacher, since you’ve never had kids.”
I quit, went on to get a Master’s degree in educational leadership, and am now faculty/instructional designer.
Still don’t have kids.
I teach history and independent study as an adjunct.
Image source: Nodgarden, Max Fischer / Pexels
#6
The eldest female child taking on the role of a “mother” in most Asian cultures. I had to run the house at a very young age (cooking, cleaning, laundry etc.) while taking care of my siblings at the same time.
Not sure if this applies to other cultures too. I hope it doesn’t. I never had the chance to be a child.
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#7
I think the closest analogy is the catty, double-crossing, gossiping “frenemy” tendencies.
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#8
Men are parents, guardians, or other caretakers, and their children are with them as part of daily life.
Women often don’t understand this, and assume that the man is either a [offender], divorced, or ‘on special duty’.
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#9
[Stuff] like “REAL women have meat on their bones.” Like they say my body type is unrealistic or undesirable to lift others up.
Also how some women get so vile and merciless when discussing how other women are aging.
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#10
When you criticize a woman for a completely valid reason and she tries to shame you for “not supporting other women”.
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#11
My partner used to slouch on purpose because being tall made her feel not feminine (she’s about 5’8) and she stopped playing netball because it gave her muscle which also made her feel less feminine. She’s better with it now and agrees the idea of being feminine can be toxic.
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#12
I’ve been around plenty of women who are all YAASSSS QUEEEEEN about other girls, but then behind their backs say some of the nastiest about them to anyone who will listen.
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#13
My least favorite is that real women have curves.
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#14
Thinking they’re entitled to special treatment if they happen to be attractive.
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#15
Using your children as a means of offense in divorce proceedings.
I’ve seen men destroyed by being denied access to their children.
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#16
When women are discouraged from achieving things or displaying intelligence because it’s not “feminine.” Or they’re told men will be intimidated by it.
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#17
I would say that toxic feminity can be quite similar to toxic masculinity. I’d describe it as those women who yell at men when they get emotional or vulnerable, telling them to ‘man up’ or ‘you’re supposed to be the man in this relationship!’. Kind of the same thing that ‘traditional men’ would say.
It pisses me off because it’s bringing women down (saying they are weaker than men) while also being really hard on the men and not letting them express themselves.
Also, as you say, all that stuff about having to have children to be ‘real women’.
A more light-hearted example of, if not toxic, at least mildly annyoing feminity would be those women who force their husbands/boyfriends to wear a tie that matches their dress to weddings etc. (We have to match, honey!!)
I’m a woman myself, if it helps.
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#18
A former friend’s girlfriend would tell him you need to do this/buy me that, and if he didn’t or didn’t do it to her satisfaction, she withholds [intimacy].
Image source: anon, Andrea Piacquadio / Pexels
#19
Toxic masculinity = Men expected to be tough with no feelings and responsible for protecting others
Toxic femininity = Women expected to be the caretaker in any situation and responsible for others’ happiness
Caretaker can be a note taker in a work meeting, it can be the person who is always cooking, the person always changing diapers, the organizer, or the nurse to the sick.
I am sure I am simplifying complex things with this statement.
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#20
I’m shocked I haven’t seen it yet…
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.”
No, you’re just a [jerk].
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#21
The “if mamma ain’t happy ain’t nobody happy” type of households.
Image source: boredtxan, Getty Images / Unsplash
#22
Judging women for choosing to be SAHMs.
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#23
I think judging other women for how they look. Judging a women for having short hair or a big nose or hairy arms or being tall etc. Like women who think women should be small dainty things. It’s weird.
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#24
Prioritizing “girl power” over actual competence. I’ve worked for women who know their [stuff], and are easily respectable and trustworthy….. then there’s the raging narcissistic thundercunts that need to throw their weight around, just so you know that they’re in charge. They make bad decisions then pat themselves on the back for breaking through the glass ceiling, when it’s obvious to everybody that they are just a walking Napoleon complex.
Image source: anon, Helena Lopes / Pexels
#25
Casual misandry is definitely a trait of toxic femininity, the same way misogyny is a trait of toxic masculinity.
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#26
Forcing girls to be feminine when it’s not wanted or warranted. My partner has never been girly. When growing up her Nan (who raised her) constantly pushed for dresses, pink things and the like. Her Nan never relented and pushed it until my partner moved out.
Women don’t need to wear dresses or makeup or similar. Let them do and wear what they want.
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#27
Pretending to be dumb and incapable of doing things themselves to have guys do stuff for them.
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#28
As a woman:
1. **Big [manhood]/ being tall:** It’s okay to shame men over their bodies but not women.
2. **Calling every woman with her own mind and opinion a “pick me”** : Need I say more?
3. Calling every guy a creep even when he isn’t being a creep, and you just don’t like him.
4. Saying you want your SO to open up about his feelings, but when he does you end up using it against him in arguments or after you break up
5. Hitting men and thinking it’s fine because you’re a woman and he’s a man
6. “male tears” “Is it a girl or an abortion?”
7. ALL men
8. Gossiping in front of the people you’re gossiping about and being obvious about it.
9. Passive-aggressiveness at work or school. The amount of hurt I have seen women inflect on other women is disgusting! And it’s also insidious, because you can’t describe it as easily as you would if someone hit you or was just aggressive in other ways.
10. Thinking men are otherworldly so they must not have feelings or anything. It’s okay to call them ugly etc as if they weren’t a human being just like you. (see the hypocrite that is Billie Ellish and her comments about ugly men, while simultaneously not wanting people to body shame her, and being celebrated as some sort of body positive hero.
11. Thinking that anyone who criticizes feminism is anti-equality, a “pick me,” or an incel.
Image source: HoldMyJumex, Ravi Sharma / Unsplash
#29
Maybe it’s a Japan thing (raising my family here), but Japanese women tend to almost take pride in not fixing tech stuff. From printers to smartphones to flipping fuses, they tend to have the attitude of, “Fixing that stuff is why we keep guys around.”
My wife has this attitude, even though she’s amazingly smart and capable, and my daughter is picking it up as well. Can’t stand it.
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#30
My older sister telling me that I’ll never find a husband if I don’t stop wearing plain brief underwear and buy some “cute” underwear like thongs.
Image source: MadameK8, RDNE Stock project / Pexels
#31
Hm, so if toxic masculinity says men must act strong, be emotionless, and dominate women, that would mean toxic femininity is acting weak, emotional, and submissive, and maybe shaming other women for not doing the same?
I sort of feel like all femininity is viewed as toxic in American culture. Think about what happens if a dude wears a dress, vs a girl wearing a suit.
Image source: anon
#32
They only support feminism when it benefits them.
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#33
Oh God. Them getting in your face and hitting on you very aggressively. Had it happen before, eventually her friends had to drag her away from me, after I walked away. Mam, this a bar and I came here with my BOYFRIEND. I’m gay, please stop.
Image source: oh-no-its-back
#34
“I’m not like other girls.”
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#35
“You can’t hit me because im a girl!”
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#36
Women who think their wedding is only about them, their wants and desires. You’re not the only one getting married, ma’am!
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#37
Some traits/examples:
* Mean girls.
* Talking over others
* Belittling others whether face to face or through gossip mongering.
* Passive aggression – think eye-rolling, patronizing comments, fake laughing and niceties, smiley faces following a harsh-worded email, etc.
* Jealousy, resentment, and bitterness towards other women for their looks, popularity, and professional performance.
* Competing with other female colleagues through their looks, dominance, work, or sexuality.
* Pregnancy culture
* Supermom culture
* Wedding culture
* Dating culture.
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#38
Making fun of guys for being broke yet expecting anyone else to pay for your meal.
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#39
Purity culture maybe?
and yuck, that whole “defining ppl by their child-having status” thing is gross.
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#40
Victim blaming other women.
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#41
When women joke about men’s hair loss or height. Things men can’t really change. That’s toxic.
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#42
I often get scrutinized for not wearing makeup. I have nothing against it, I just feel more like myself without it. I put myself together, I just don’t spend a ton of time styling my hair specifically or dabbling in cosmetics and for some reason that’s taboo.
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#43
The way that a majority of female managers treat their female staff.
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#44
Mommy wine culture.
Image source: SensitiveBat
#45
A subset I call the “Call Her Daddy” type. It’s tenets are basically, as long as you’re hot you can be as crazy, toxic, messy, and mean as you want, and you should use other people (especially men) as much as possible to achieve your ends.
If anyone doesn’t like the way you are, that’s a personal failing on their part and just proves the idea that “my beauty attracts haters” so I must be doing something right! They will say they hate men and don’t like them while also admitting that everything they do is explicitly for male attention and validation.
I’ve met a few of this type and I can tell you right now if they weren’t conventionally attractive, no group of people would ever put up with it.
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#46
Thought I’d never say this but:
Watch “Keeping up with the Kardashians” lol.
Image source: Upstairs-Analyst8084
#47
Painting with a broad brush here, but the way I’ve personally seen a lot of females treat one another is wild. I’m not exactly sure why, but it seems like there’s a lot of peculiar gatekeeping around “being a real woman.”
I also have several female friends that just can’t be friends with other females. Any time anyone mentions another female, they pop off a little bit. Definitely possible it’s anecdotal but none of them have anything in common besides being a woman so it seems like it can’t be entirely uncommon.
Obviously all of this can apply to men as well but it seems more prevalent in females in my experience.
Image source: fracturedsplintX
#48
Skewed social responsibilities.
Women expecting men to assume traditional gender roles of the provider while simultaneously thinking it’s abhorrent that some men prefer the traditional gender role for women being SAHM, home makers, etc.
Doesn’t get much worse than that.
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#49
Siding with the man against the woman even when he’s a cheater or a predator.
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#50
Women always say men keep them down. But I’ve never seen anyone put down a woman like another woman.
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#51
Yes, I think the oddest example I can find is the toxicity of women’s competitiveness against other women and men when working, how you have to “claw your way up” and step on people just to reach success, and how the attitudes of successful women are absolutely [the worst] towards one’s who aren’t as successful.
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#52
Being called inherently lazy for not doing makeup/nails/high heels/or some complicated hair do. No judgement on women whom like to do those things. Whatever makes you happy. But I’d rather focus on other things.
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#53
If you hold a woman accountable or disprove them you are now mansplaning. If a guy is flirting with her that she isnt attracted to, he is suddenly a creep. Wants equal rights but not equal consequences.
Image source: anon
#54
Reading some of these responses I think there are some men (and women) who don’t understand what toxic femininity/masculinity is.
Toxic femininity is society’s standards of femininity that serves against us. Both men and women can ~~have~~ engage in this behaviour. For example:
– “too posh to push” dialogue
– believing women are naturally better carers or parents (ETA: and by extension, men as less reliable parents)
– believing a woman’s purpose is to stay home and bear children without earning an income (eta: and by extension, a man must be the breadwinner)
– a lot of the makeup / fashion industry promoting beautiful slim women (if you’re not beautiful and/or slim, you are not being a proper woman)
– see also social influencers
– treating women who are not overtly emotional, or with male-dominated interests as strange or different
– shaming women with menstrual cycles as unclean, must be kept hush hush as feminine women are clean and pure.
Conversely, typical examples of toxic masculinity are “boys will be boys” and “man up.”
Image source: justputonsomemusic
#55
I think one overlooked example of toxic feminity is women not acknowledging female privilege. For instance, I brought up the fact that in court proceedings mothers for one reason or another, women tend to win custody hearings to an ex-friend. My friend focused on the fact that men often choose to give up custody. However, she refused to see how this trend be influenced by the social structure and the perception of women being better parents or even women having the privilege of spending quality time with their children due to their societal expectations.
For instance, imagine if custody hearings were decided solely on who could provide financially for children. In such a scenario, male privilege would rear its head as men, due to societal expectations, often spend more time at work increasing the odds of them getting paid more and having more opportunities for advancing. Thus, the societal gendered expectation would create a situation unfavorable for women.
If our society was an equal one, men and women would have similar expectations as parents and there would likely be a 50/50 split over who got the children. We do not live in this society, so of course, men will not always be the chief caregiver in most cases, but this doesn’t mean the father is unfit for primary custody.
Image source: DreTheThinker92
#56
Lmaooo hell yeah it is. i’ll give you an example that happened today in the morning while i was in public health class. we were having a big class discussion about kids having diabetes and ways on how to fix this, who to blame, etc. we were also role playing, so one guy was a teacher and one girl was a mother. the class teacher asked the mother something along the lines of “you work 10 hours a day and when you come home, you are too tired to make dinner so you just order something unhealthy like a pizza for the family. to try and solve this, who could you ask to help you make dinner or lunch for the kids?” she proceed to answer “my husband” randomly, out of nowhere, a girl (the class loudmouth) blurted out, “who are you kidding, men are useless” and the teacher just laughed it off and everything went back to normal. now what if the roles were reversed? ngl it made me kinda uncomfortable and i cringe a little but i just brushed it off.
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#57
Demanding chivalry is toxic I think. Men shouldn’t have to respect a woman just be she’s a woman.
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#58
When in a relationship, not clearly communicating needs and getting upset when their partner is not a mind reader and expecting them to just “pick up on the vibe” or “should already know because it’s obvious”. I know because I used to do that. Ugh. Man or woman, we are responsible for taking care of ourselves and part of that means clearly stating our wants and needs to our partner, friends, family, whomever clearly and deliberately.
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#59
I live with my mom and my sister. Both of them are feminists who think men are trash and say that men deserve to be bullied. Do I even have to explain.
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#60
For starters, Just check Instagram and FDS. They shame and bully men and women they don’t like. They pretend men aren’t affected by the same things they complain about. It’s like they believe the whole world revolves around them.
Image source: Soulless_conner
#61
If not a girl it’s an abortion.
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#62
Yes toxic femininity is a thing, it’s the extreme negative behaviors that exclusively exist to females.
Examples of toxic femininity
1. Overbearing mother’s
2. Narcissistic and extreme validation/attention seeking.
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#63
Having a child or marriage to keep a guy just because you’re afraid of being alone or b/c all your girlfriends have done it is pretty toxic. Understandable but toxic.
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#64
Toxic feminism has been a huge deal in India actually. There’s been a case recently where there was a taxi driver who did nothing wrong and was slapped by a lady again and again and he didn’t raise a finger. Then there was this one where one girl simply used social media against a simple delivery guy on zomato for no reason other than wanting free food.
Image source: TheolympiansYT
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