Marriage vows include the phrase in sickness and in health for a reason. It is an acknowledgment that love is not always easy, that partnerships go through difficult seasons, and that commitment means showing up even when showing up is hard. Most people who say those words mean them. Most people also say them without fully understanding what they might one day require.
One man has been showing up for sixteen years, and for the last several of them, he has been doing it almost entirely alone. He is not asking for sympathy. He is asking a question that has no clean answer: whether wanting more from his life makes him a bad person, and the internet is finding it very difficult to give him a simple yes or no.
More info: Reddit
Marriage vows include in sickness and in health for a reason, and most people who say them have no idea what that phrase might one day actually cost them
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This wife sleeps twelve hours a day, has not been intimate with her husband in five years, and no test has been able to explain what is wrong
Image credits: tsyhun / Magnific (not the actual photo)
He still tries to help her, still loves what remains of the person he married, and is still showing up every day for a marriage that stopped showing up for him years ago
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When he tries to have honest conversations about what he needs, he watches it add more stress to her, and nothing changes, and he is quietly running out of ways to keep going
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He is asking whether wanting to leave makes him a terrible person, as he feels his only option left is divorce
Sixteen years of marriage, two kids he adores, and a wife whose health has been declining for years in ways that no test has been able to explain. She sleeps twelve hours a day, goes to bed at three in the morning, battles frequent migraines and inflammation issues, and is on medication for depression.
This husband has researched doctors, suggested treatments, recommended therapy, and prompted almost every step she has taken toward addressing her health. She has declined therapy and does not explore the pain medications available for her migraines. The tests keep coming back normal, and she keeps getting worse.
In the meantime, he is the sole breadwinner in a high-stress job, handles the vast majority of household chores, maintains the house, plans the family events, and spends quality time with the kids on weekends. Their intimate life has been non-existent for over five years.
When she is awake, she is largely sedentary, watching movies alone. She drives the kids to school and activities and occasionally does some dishes, which he acknowledges as a contribution and means it genuinely. He still loves her, or what remains of love after years of exhaustion and loneliness.
When he tries to have honest conversations about what he needs, he can see it puts more stress on her and nothing changes. He is perpetually tired, starved of affection, and quietly disappearing inside a marriage that is technically still intact. He is now asking whether wanting to leave makes him a terrible person, which is a question with absolutely no simple answer.
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Overall, most marriages do not end in divorce following a significant health diagnosis, but the risk increases substantially depending on who becomes ill. Studies show an overall divorce rate of around 11.6%, but when the patient is female, that figure jumps to 20.8%, compared to just 2.9% when the patient is male. So, men are considerably more likely to leave a sick spouse than women are.
The relationship between depression and physical illness is also worth understanding properly. Depression and physical illness are bidirectional, meaning each can cause and worsen the other in a measurable biological cycle. Severe or long-term depression alters how the body manages stress, pain, and immune function, which can manifest as distinct chronic physical conditions over time.
Her migraines, her inflammation, her fatigue, none of these are necessarily separate from her depression. They may all be part of the same system breaking down, which makes the situation considerably more complicated than it might appear on the surface.
Experts suggest that when a partner is resistant to treatment, the most effective approach involves using I statements rather than directives, offering low-pressure, accessible options, and setting clear boundaries around what the healthy partner can sustainably provide. He cannot force her to get better. He can only decide how much of himself he is able to give, while she is not.
What do you think this husband should do? Share some advice in the comments.
Commenters were split, with some saying he has done all he can but others giving words of encouragement and sharing their own chronic illness journeys that had a happy ending
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