A friend of mine had been long married to a guy whose last name was like the local equivalent of “Friend,” and when he, one fine day, decided to dump her, just for some silly reason, he found nothing better than to say: “Let’s stop being Friends!”
Okay, that was just lame wording, but sometimes, folks find some outright awkward and unhinged breakup excuses, and even dare to voice these “reasons” out loud. So, today’s selection of stories is dedicated exactly to such weird breakup “causes”.
More info: Reddit
#1
“I’m breaking up with you because my therapist said I need to date someone who matches my moon phase” is hard to beat.
Image source: Gary_Dorothy42, The Yuri Arcurs Collection
#2
“you’re just not the same person anymore.”
This was 2 months after I nearly d**d from acute kidney failure and had been in hospital for the whole time.
Image source: ii_throwayway_ii, freepik
#3
He broke up with me and when I said ok he panicked. Apparently he planned to pretend to break up with me so I would beg him to stay so he could be Alpha Man in our relationship and I would do whatever he said.
Image source: bawkbawkslove, freepik
Well, not all people actually know how to choose their words well, especially when it comes to such a difficult matter as not just deciding to break up, but also conveying it to your former significant other. Some don’t have the courage to do anything and resort to voice messages, texts, and even emojis.
But when it comes to words, when you are asked to directly and honestly explain why your relationship should end – Lord, what kind of “arguments” are used! And believe me – mom’s demands or friends’ disapproval is the least of what some peeps are capable of!
#4
“I just wish I could take your body and your brain and put her face on you.” Dodged me a bullet.
Image source: tawnyfritz, bokodi
#5
“You’re amazing and beautiful but my mum doesn’t think you’re right for me”
*His mother had d**d 4 years earlier*.
Image source: HelloMikkii, freepik
#6
In hindsight, there were many many early warning signs but I was a silly 20yr old girl blinded by lust for this big, beautiful beefcake of a man that everyone wanted and he inexplicably wanted me. He would say “Pacifically” instead of “Specifically”, he pronounced “ask” as “arks” and he didn’t know what the words like demure or coy meant. But my god, his face. His body.
A few weeks later, I couldn’t handle this big handsome dumb dumb any more and broke up with him. It will always stick with me him going “YOU’RE BREAKING UP WITH ME COZ I DON’T KNOW MANY WORDS?!” and me just answering “yup”.
Image source: slamisaurusrex, wayhomestudio
By the way, social or family pressure on people continues to play a key role in choosing a partner, or in ending a relationship. Half a thousand years ago, Romeo and Juliet couldn’t cope with the pressure from their families (today, therapists would clearly call both noble houses toxic), but people still rely heavily on their mothers and buds when choosing a partner.
On the one hand, who knows us better than our close people? On the other hand, our family’s vision often differs significantly from ours. Want an example? Voila – my grandma always had a great influence on my mom and, continuing to love my tall grandfather even after his affair and subsequent divorce, subconsciously rejected my mom’s “too short” boyfriends.
Then, decades later, she found the strength and courage to ask my mom for forgiveness for these and other actions, but the fact remains. Our parents often love not us exactly, but the version of us “idealized” by their minds.
#7
When I dropped her off at the airport I said “I’ll miss you” which she shamed me for trying to make her feel bad… the real reason was she cheated but at the time it was confusing.
Image source: Shhh_wasting_time, prostock-studio
#8
They told me they had to end things because our astrological compatibility chart predicted a catastrophic drop in their chess rating if we stayed together past the summer….
Image source: itxSMG, prostock-studio
#9
Got rejected because my skin texture wasn’t “flawless” enough for his mom.
Also she doesn’t think I’m pretty enough to give him “beautiful children.”
Wild to be disqualified from a gene pool I never applied to. Imagine being rejected by someone who isn’t even dating you, for kids that don’t even exist.
So instead of breaking up, he decided it was only fair to cheat on me. And then ask me for another chance to make it right only to later tell me he can’t cause he got that girl pregnant and was asking me on how to deal with it and which gynac to approch for an abortion.
That man hit new kinds of lows.
Image source: SinInHerVoice, Getty Images
In fact, people very rarely break up for one reason. Usually, several combined reasons come into play – for example, in this study published on ResearchGate, the authors identify the 23 most common reasons to leave and the 27 most common reasons to stay in a relationship.
At the same time, among the main reasons for a real breakup: conflicts, betrayal, loss of trust, different life goals, or a dissatisfaction with important things. Someone may simply get confused by these thoughts and reasons, or someone may be afraid to formulate this honestly to themselves, and they will simply come up with something strange.
And yet, many people simultaneously want to leave and stay, so the result of this mental tossing is often completely random, unconvincing, or even outright unhinged.
#10
A girl “broke up” with me cause I wasn’t a fan of Ellen DeGeneres. I didnt dislike the woman as i hardly knew anything about her, I just didn’t find her sense of humor funny is all. And that was enough to not be worth dating apparently.
Image source: Archasil, TheEllenShow
#11
“You don’t give me the quality of advice that I give you”.
Image source: GingerEccentric, drobotdean
#12
She didn’t want me to take my psych meds anymore. Basically said I need to stop taking them or she’ll leave. Showed her the door.
Image source: jammerpammerslammer, photoroyalty
On the other hand, don’t you think that even a completely ridiculous and vague, but still unambiguous breakup sometimes looks way better and more honest than ghosting or orbiting, when people seem to separate, but then continue to follow their exes on social media for a long time?
One of the wise folks of the past said that the worst thing in our lives is uncertainty. This study, published in Cyberpsychology: Journal of Psychosocial Research on Cyberspace a few years ago, perfectly shows how such vague strategies can be much harder mentally for the person being dumped.
#13
Not a breakup, but a girl in high-school wouldn’t date me because she said my last name didn’t sound good with her first name.
My wife has the same name as her. She took my last name.
Image source: foxtrot211, freepic.diller
#14
“We can’t see each other anymore, because I’m unkind to you sometimes and it makes me feel bad. And I can’t stop being mean to you because I got Lyme disease in high school”.
Image source: Di3tPepsi97, The Yuri Arcurs Collection
#15
Because I was too tall and he wanted 3 wives XD.
Image source: thatlonghairedbitch, nagaets
I am writing these lines while sitting on the outdoor terrace of a cafe on a busy street downtown in a big city. Couples walk around, tenderly holding hands; the old song “Torn” is playing on the speakers in the cafe and Natalie Imbruglia (millennials, remember her?) sings: “Illusion never changed into something real. I’m wide awake, and I can see the perfect sky is torn…”
This seems dissonant, but many of these relationships, alas, will not survive until the fall, and only the lovers themselves can ensure that the perhaps inevitable separation remains in memory as wonderful moments of a romantic summer, not as another story worthy of this collection.
So now, our dear readers, please just scroll this list to its very end, read all these tales, and maybe add your own stories. The ones you witnessed or had yourselves. Oh yes, and one more thing: may you be lucky in love!
#16
“My dad hates that you’re going to vote for Obama”.
Image source: Zanctmao, History in HD
#17
Not mine but someone I know broke up with her boyfriend, who was genuinely a really decent bloke – he would go and pick her up whenever and wherever no questions asked, take her mum out shopping as she didn’t drive, made sure she was ok when sick, turn up with flowers not just for her but for her mum too etc basically being a good human being. Also according to her, as she kept on telling me repeatedly, he was proficient in the bedroom too.
She broke up with him because he showered too much.
That’s not even a cover up for another reason – she seriously was bored of waiting for him for the 3 minutes it took every night for him to get out of the shower. This poor guy had done the absolute most for her and she couldn’t wait 3 minutes for him. I think he had a lucky escape tbh.
Image source: J_Cross_, freepik
#18
There was another reddit post where a man was divorcing his wife because she recently gave birth via c-section. Husband was asked to not be in the room during the operation – an operation to save the life of his wife and child! Later he claims that because he couldn’t see the baby being born and therefore couldn’t bond with it and needs to divorce his wife in order to start over. In order to have the family he always wished to have. Such an idiot.
Image source: FinalFantasy_Nerd, alenthien05
#19
Not an excuse I’ve been given but one I have given. When I was 16, I had this idea of perfection that I was trying to attain, and I tried to force it on everyone else. When I was with my ex Andy, I didn’t like when he would email me and not change the subject line. I don’t know why I thought doing so was the way to be perfect, but when I said we should break up because I thought he would comply, he said he agreed. I never did anything like that again.
Image source: Areadien, The Yuri Arcurs Collection
#20
Ahhh, my time to shine.
Remember the 2012/2013 NHL lockout? They rebooted a ton of minor league teams, and Denver got the Cutthroat’s.
The following year, it looked like there would be a major and minor league team.
My 27 year old pack-a-day smoker ex that hadn’t played hockey in yyeeeaaarrrssss really thought he had a chance to try out. I mean, there were kids that have lived and breathed hockey every day, but Mr can’t-even-spring-for-the-sports-cable-package was really gonna do it. He changed his work schedule to train and the whole gambit. When he came to me to try and get me to pay more bills so he could drop to part time work and train more, I was ‘unsupportive’ and ‘unreasonable’. He’d make so much money for us!
Yeah. It’s one of those it’s-funny-now breakups, but I was pretty upset at the time.
No, he never went pro.
Image source: General_Distance, Gerhard Crous
#21
Ran into their highsxhool sweetheart of theirs at the club.
Our happy, stable, safe relationship was suddenly on the line because she found she still had feelings for her ex, who lived FIFTEEN HOURS AWAY and they hadnt dated for almost four years
I am still experiencing the whiplash today.
Image source: DMmeNiceButts, freepik
#22
They told me that it was over because I was too ugly. At 2am. In a hotel lobby. On Valentine’s Day.
Image source: coloradomama111, syda_productions
#23
“I’m starting to see myself in you.”
I finally had enough of his a***e and started retaliating/fighting back.
Image source: Trikger, rawpixel.com
#24
When I was 16 my girlfriend dumped me because I was covered in the blood of sin and she couldn’t be with someone covered in that blood.
I know that sounds insane but that’s almost exactly her words. .
Image source: eskimospy212, freepik
#25
I once broke up with a girl who then convinced me to stay with her, because she loved me and all the other things people say. Less than a month later she broke up with me said it was because I was more into her than she was into me.
Image source: sicpicric, freepik
#26
I got dumped after 3 months of dating. She only dated guys for 3 months at a time. I had known this from her history, but I thought I would be different.
I…um…wasn’t.
Image source: keirmeister, nomadsoul1
#27
Got her ex out of her place because he was a*****e. We date for a fee months. She realizes she crazes the chaos of a***e and kept hoping I would throw a plate or something at her etc when she was purposefully trying to make me mad. She stated she was specifically shocked when she ruined a meal and I ate it as is saying it was fine. That was the final straw apparently. Never been more confused in my life.
Image source: HSIOT55, olgagudskaya
#28
He said, “Why would I want to marry you if you didn’t want to have kids?”
We had been together for years, all of which I had, at every opportunity, ranted about how I did not want children. And three years in, he drops that b**b.
Image source: DaniJHollis, freepik
#29
Young love summer love… first love…. first everything..
after a month he said “you know how i said I loved you”
“I kinda lied” .
F**k you Stuart! (40 years later and I’m still salty 😆).
Image source: wickedlyzenful, yanalya
#30
This just happened two days ago so a bit fresh 😓 I just found out I have POTS it was caused by a viral infection, so he broke up with me siting “I don’t want my future kids to be born inferior.”
Okay… says the man whose family is a bunch of alcoholics. Also I got it from a viral illness, meaning it’s not genetic dumb a*s….
Image source: MotherScholar1326
#31
I broke up with an ex because he wrote things out phonetically & didn’t comprehend things when reading them.
Image source: Athena_Royale
#32
“You’re like Liam Hemsworth: You look good, but I’m not attracted to you”
Where’s the emotional damage clip when you need it?
Image source: Upstairs_Eggplant_24
#33
I was too boring, apparently, because I never hit her across the face, never pushed her to the floor when she was “being b****y” and never insisted on having s*x when she was tired or cranky.
Yes, respecting the answer “no” was “too boring”.
Image source: Draculamb
#34
“My ex who I thought was d**d is actually alive and we never technically broke up. So technically I’ve been cheating on you, and now we need to break up to be fair to her” And he actually thought I’d believe him.
Image source: Bubbly_Wubbly_
#35
His mom didn’t like me because I was too fat.
It was hard at the time, but yeah, I dodged a bullet.
Image source: Candid-Mycologist539
#36
He left me for another girl. He said, “but she needs me”.
Image source: GingerChic13, freepik
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