Few newlyweds can afford to take extensive honeymoon trips in the style of White Lotus. In fact, it’s becoming more popular to save money and honeymoon somewhere closer to home or skip the honeymoon altogether. For example, 23% of American newlyweds plan their honeymoons somewhere in the U.S.
This couple made close-to-home plans too, but forgot to let the owner of the house know that they would be staying there. Wanting to save money, the couple decided to spend a few weeks in their parents’ old lake house. Unbeknownst to them, a sibling now owned that house. So, when the bride came to the sibling, saying, “Where will you be staying during our honeymoon?” the owner was more than confused.
A woman planned to spend her honeymoon in her family’s lake house
Image credits: aira003/Envato (not the actual photo)
Unbeknownst to her, her parents sold the lake house to her sibling, who had no idea she planned a honeymoon there
Image credits: Unai82/Envtato (not the actual photo)
The sister was under the impression that her sibling was living in the house rent-free
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The sibling in this story was likely a victim of sibling scapegoating
The honeymoon turned out to be only a minor element in this story. Throughout their talks, the siblings have discovered that their parents weren’t always truthful with them. What’s more, there’s an undeniable whiff of parental favoritism all over this story, where the parents had no qualms about using one sibling as a scapegoat to deny another something because they couldn’t get their finances in order.
Research shows that parents favor some kids over others. It shows that parents tend to favor younger, agreeable, and female children over their siblings. Different treatment also creates a rivalry among siblings. As this story illustrates, it sometimes even borders on resentment.
Image credits: Nini FromParis/Unsplash (not the actual photo)
However, another phenomenon that is blatantly obvious in this story is sibling scapegoating. Sibling scapegoating is something that mental health experts are drawing attention to more and more often. According to experts, this type of scapegoating most often results in strained relationships between siblings or even sibling estrangement.
Trauma-informed author and coach Laura K. Connell writes that in sibling scapegoating, the family singles out one person and blames them for all the family’s problems. Do the parents lack the money to take their daughter to ballet classes? Blame the sibling’s glasses! They can’t afford for the daughter to be a Girl Scout? Blame the sibling and their expensive braces!
Sibling scapegoating may manifest in other ways, too. The family may put extensive responsibility on the scapegoat, and the sibling, in turn, feels rejected by their family, lonely, and drowning in emotional distress.
Parents may choose the scapegoat unintentionally, but they rob siblings of a loving relationship
Experts also note that sometimes parents scapegoat unintentionally. If a parent feels shame or anger when they’re not able to provide for one child, they might project those feelings onto one of the siblings. Other times, parents may be unready to face their own emotional issues and traumas, and scapegoating manifests as unresolved anger.
One of the signs that a person is scapegoated in the family is if their parents and siblings speak poorly about them behind their backs. “Rather than face their dysfunction, they’ll tarnish your reputation publicly,” according to Connell. “This is so you won’t receive support from outside the family, and they can continue in their collective delusion.”
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Other siblings, then, too, grow up to view that sibling as a scapegoat. The sister in this story perhaps held a similar view. She believed that her sibling had the better life – had the right to live in their parents’ lake house without paying rent, always having everything “in order,” and being able to build a life on their own.
In reality, both siblings are robbed of a relationship. The two siblings in this story seem to move toward reconciliation. As for the parents, it’s not uncommon for scapegoated siblings to go no contact with their parents. As Connell puts it, “You may decide to walk away rather than attempt to fit yourself into an impossible relationship.”
“It’s not a family vacation home anymore, it’s my house,” the sibling explained
Commenters sided with the sibling, blaming the parents for their blatant favoritism
Yet, some also thought the sibling was being ungracious and a cheapskate: “Treating your sister like some weird stranger”
After the sister talked to the parents, more secrets came to light
Image credits: africaimages/Envato (not the actual photo)
Commenters shared their verdict: “Your parents are gaslighting both of you”
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