As an Instagram artist, I cut out cardboard figures and pose with them in silhouette at sunset. Over the years, I produced more than 300 of these and many have been dates of one kind or another.
Previously, I’ve also done a few posts of my cutouts in other themes here on Bored Panda. One of them covers the pandemic in a humorous way, and sesame street characters, as well as in freestyle. I’ve also done one with horses, and another one with various other animals. My latest post was about spooky characters.
Happy Valentines Day, everyone!
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#1 The Honest Answer
I think I screwed up again. On our first date, Shannon asked for my opinion about her weight and like an idiot I told her the truth. I said, “Well, if I’m totally honest…yeah, I think you may be a little too thin.” And that was it. At the end of the evening, I didn’t get even a single lipless kiss goodnight.
#2 The Dream Girl
Cheryl was a dream come true. Really, other than her two tentacles for legs, she was everything I’d ever wanted in a woman.
#3 The Short Cut
I offered to drive on our date, but Supergirl said she knew a shortcut.
#4 The Challenge
After our date, we went back to her place and things got…a little steamy. Honestly, I had no idea how I was going to satisfy her, but sometimes…you just need to dive right in and see what happens.
#5 The Miscalculation
Rather than take me home, Hagela took me to her place out in the woods. She lived in a small hut made of sticks and mud, but we never went inside. Like two excited teenagers, we headed straight for the hot tub out back, and I jumped in. The hot water felt so good after the chilly ride, I just closed my eyes and inhaled the aroma of the fragrant steam. For some reason, it reminded me of my mother’s soup which was comforting. Then, through the smoke, I saw Hagela standing there holding what looked like a small wooden paddle with a naughty grin on her face. Oh, boy. This was gonna be fun. “Get in here,” I said.
#6 The Hero
It doesn’t get any better than sitting at sunset and playing “The Rainbow Connection” with your idol.
#7 The Ball
I was a little nervous to take Helen to the Zombie Ball. But after the first few dances, the more we talked and laughed, the less I worried about her eating my brain.
#8 The First Touch
You know that feeling when you approach a new hippogriff…after you bow and he bows back, but before you actually touch him? Yeah, that’s scary every time.
#9 The Mittens
I wouldn’t call it a date. Bernie and I just sat and watched the setting sun. But we did connect enough for him to offer me one of his mittens.
#10 The Wrong Thing To Say
Talk about a bad first date. I took her to my favorite restaurant, and she asked if I had any recommendations. “The chicken’s delicious here,” I said without thinking. And things got really awkward after that.
#11 The Best Friend
Bert and I got together to play cards, but he was so frustrating. All he did was talk about Ernie, Ernie, Ernie!
#12 The Play Date
I took baby Rudolph to the flying animal park, and I was so happy to see him make a new friend right away.
#13 The Widow
Some women are just not meant to remarry.
#14 The Ride
My niece was down visiting me and I wanted to give her an authentic Florida experience.
#15 The Preparations
As I helped him with his tie, I could tell Greg was nervous about his upcoming date. As he was 16 feet tall and was meeting a cute but stumpy aardvark for the first time, I could understand his apprehension.
#16 The Open Water
“Ask me anything?” she said as we met in the warm water of the Gulf.
“What’s all that mushy white stuff in your teeth?” I asked.
“Slow swimmers,” she said and we both had a good laugh.
Then I got out of the water. Fast.
#17 The Scream
We met one night after work and she did not look happy. “Why the long face?” I asked.
#18 The Truth
When I accidentally pulled off Santa’s mitten, I learned two things. 1) Why he always wears mittens, and 2) Why his last name is “Claws.”
#19 The Last Date
There’s always time for one more selfie.
#20 The Pumpkin Queen
The Pumpkin Queen had long been sad,
A frown her only daily mood.
So when we met to start our date
I brought a better attitude.
#21 The Mermaid
I really wanted to impress the mermaid, so I went all out on the bouquet.
#22 The True Friend
Prancer doesn’t really like to have his antlers decorated; I know that. But he knows how much I like to do it, so he humors me. As I string the lights and hang the bulbs, he doesn’t snort or get impatient or sigh like some reindeer might. He just stands there and waits and lets me be happy. True friends are like that.
#23 The Wait
I asked her to meet me out under the full moon and was hoping things would heat up. I could almost imagine her passionate breath in my ear.
#24 The Perfect Moment
After dinner, the stork took me for a ride around the lake. It was a perfect moment. But then, some dates are better than others.
#25 The Fatal Flaw
It wasn’t going to work. Yes, she was smart and older than she looked. And yes she was funny and cute and well read and all that. But she didn’t say anything on her dating profile about being a peanut, and I was deathly allergic.
#26 The Kiss
Ever since the scissors accident, kissing her has been a risk. But she is so worth it.
#27 The Bad Date
She ended up being an evil snowwoman. Luckily, I never go anywhere without my hairdryer.
#28 The Ride
I liked her right away. We met at the beach and she just said, “Hop in!”
#29 The Elf Date
Kimble promised he’d come find me when the first snow fell. I’m not sure where he came from but…there he was.
#30 The Freeloader
For anyone who thinks a horse might make a good kayak partner, think again. On our date around the lake, Philly didn’t pick up her paddle once.
#31 The Surgery
Other than, “No, no. I think they look really natural,” I tried hard not to talk about lips on our first date.
#32 The Night Before Christmas
‘Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring
not even a mouse.
Well, actually one mouse
was up stirring with me
Blending the milk in my
hot cup of tea.
She held a big spoon
moved it down and then up
As she stirred from the rim
of my Christmas teacup.
I watched her and waited
and enjoyed all the clinking
Of her spoon in the cup
that I soon would be drinking.
While I held her small saucer
trying hard not to spill it
Though it didn’t hold much
just a few drops could fill it.
But we weren’t in a hurry.
She could stir there all night
As the snow gently settled
As the sun lost its light.
Because after this year
that seemed never to end
It was just nice to spend time
stirring tea with a friend.
#33 The Perfect Moment
She asked if I wanted kids and I said, “Oh, yeah. A boy and a girl would be amazing.” But I could tell that wasn’t the answer she was hoping for. “How about you?” I asked back.
Heather sipped her sunflower tea and blinked her black beady eyes then said, “I don’t know. I’ve always wanted a big family. When I was growing up, we had thirty-five babies a year throughout my mother’s breeding lifecycle.”
So that was kind of a deal breaker, but it was still a nice date. After dinner, as we walked along the beach, some samba music started playing somewhere in the distance, and we danced at the water’s edge until long after the sunset faded and a star-filled sky appeared overhead.
#34 The Dog Training Date
Jennifer is not going to get the treat until she learns to sit properly. I hate to be strict with her, but my new puppies need to know I am the boss.
#35 The Parsley
You know things are going well when your date feels comfortable enough to ask if she has something in her teeth.
#36 The 3rd Little Piggy
When it came time to order, I took a guess. “I’ll have the fish,” I told the waiter, “and my date will have the roast beef.”
#37 The Dive
She wanted to go snorkeling on our first date. But she had to do it her way.
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