While everyone has their quirks, some people believe that the unhinged way they see the world has to be inflicted on everyone else. Fortunately, it’s pretty rare that these people possess actual power, but a very common exception to this is when one lives with a controlling parent.
A netizen shared their dysfunctional family dynamic online and asked for some advice. Their mother had a very controlling rule, that if someone’s birthday fell on a holiday, no one was allowed to celebrate it. Since this included two out of three of the kids in the family (for Easter and Thanksgiving), conflict was inevitable.
A parent banning birthday celebrations is weird enough
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But one netizen turned to the internet when their mom would flip out if someone celebrated a birthday on a holiday
Image credits: Thanksgivingbirthday
Toxic parenting is characterized by seeing one’s kids as a resource
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Mental health experts note that many controlling parents often disguise their control as love, insisting that they “know what’s best” while consistently undermining their child’s independence. The birthday scenario demonstrates this perfectly. Forbidding celebrations isn’t presented as cruelty but as adherence to some supposed principle about holidays. The absurdity becomes clear when the situation escalates over a single cupcake, yet the mother frames herself as the injured party. Toxic parents often react to a child’s mistake in ways that are significantly more severe than warranted, with punishments that rarely fit the supposed offense. In this case, the “offense” of accepting a birthday cupcake led to an entire family member being uninvited from Thanksgiving. The punishment wildly exceeded any reasonable response, which is a hallmark of toxic parenting.
Controlling parents can become overly involved in their children’s lives to the point that it limits freedom, independence, and individuality. Experts believe that toxic parents will almost always put their own needs before that of their kids, so this mother’s objection to her 18-year-old child moving out reveals the true motivation behind her control: she needs free labor to drive her son around and provide childcare. When that resource threatens to leave, the manipulation intensifies. One of the clearest signs of a toxic parent is the use of manipulation to control their child’s thoughts, emotions, and decisions through tactics such as guilt-tripping, playing the victim, or using affection as a bargaining tool. The tears that appeared when the daughter asserted her right to leave demonstrate textbook manipulation. When authority fails and threats backfire, emotional manipulation becomes the final weapon.
Experts identify stonewalling a child or giving them the silent treatment for hours or even days at a time as a form of emotional manipulation. Similarly, toxic parents may also be verbally and emotionally aggressive as a way to take power and control. The pattern in this family includes all these elements: isolation through uninviting family members, emotional manipulation through tears, and maintaining control through fear of being kicked out.
Growing up with a controlling mom can make it hard to see just how horrible this behavior actually is
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Identifying whether a parent is toxic can be difficult, especially if someone has normalized their behavior over the years as a way to cope. For example, this netizen had to go online to ask people for advice when the case was pretty open and shut. Only when the sister offered an alternative did they begin to see how bizarre and controlling the rule actually was. It might be helpful to first acknowledge how interacting with parents makes someone feel, as interactions that leave people feeling frustrated, confused, or emotionally drained can indicate toxic behavior.
When people discuss toxic parents they are typically describing parents who consistently behave in ways that cause guilt, fear, or obligation in their children, with actions that aren’t isolated events but patterns of behavior that negatively shape their child’s life. The birthday ban, the threats of eviction, crying, the recruitment of family members to enforce compliance. These aren’t one-time mistakes but a comprehensive manipulators playbook to maintain control.
So what can someone in this situation do? The first and most important factor for adult children of toxic parents to realize is that they can only control their own behaviors and do not have the ability to change or control the behaviors their parent or parents choose to use. As an adult, people may still feel like they’re waiting for someone to give them permission to escape parental influence, but they are the person who can grant themselves permission and decide to change and take back their life.
Setting boundaries or limits and clearly defining what is acceptable and what is not is crucial, and limiting contact with parents can help keep time together positive and healthy. The sister’s offer of a room represents exactly this kind of healthy boundary, a space where birthdays are celebrated, where cupcakes aren’t contraband, and where adults aren’t threatened with homelessness for having feelings. The real tragedy isn’t just the missing birthday celebrations. It’s the years spent thinking this treatment was normal, that wanting to be acknowledged on one’s birthday was somehow selfish or unreasonable. Recognizing toxic behavior is the first step toward breaking free from it. Sometimes that recognition comes from something as simple as realizing that other families don’t stage dramatic interventions over baked goods.
Most thought their mom was controlling and toxic
Some comments did end up being controversial
Image credits: mlkntlg / Envato (not the actual photo)
Later they shared an update
Image credits: Thanksgivingbirthday
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