True Blood 3.04 “9 Crimes” Review

After the (head)twist ending to True Blood’s previous episode, I walked away from my TV cursing out loud that I had just witnessed the exact moment when this beloved series jumped the shark. It wasn’t the ridiculous nature of the vengeful sex act between Bill (Stephen Moyer) and Lorena (Mariana Klaveno) that was the problem. After all, such trashy fun is what garnered True Blood such a devoted legion of fans to begin with. Going over the top is par for the course. It was the fact that none of it made any damn sense.

Completely throwing out the previous two seasons of undying, reckless love for Sookie (Anna Paquin), Bill went from proposing to mortal hating quicker than an episode of The Undead Bachelor…all because of a bad dream. A bad dream! So would 3.04 help make any sense of this mess or would this season continue its downward spiral?

Within the first few minutes, we had our answer.

Bill’s telephone call to “I don’t have a nut sack” Sookie was painful to watch. Not because of the empathy and pain we felt as Bill broke Sookie’s heart, but because of the scene’s terrible dialogue and acting. It’s almost as if the actors were using the camera as a way of saying “Really?!” Good luck selling such a ridiculous plot device to your audience when it’s clear your actors aren’t even buying it.

About the only cool thing we saw in the first 45 minutes of this episode was Eric (Alexander Skarsgard) flying through a window. Too bad that too, was just a vampire dream.

To sum up, here’s what we learned this episode: Queen Sophie Anne is selling V because she’s in trouble with the IRS (did they pull that out of a cliché hat or something?), Tara (Rutina Wesley) is still a whiny punching bag in need of rescue (please just kill her already…and don’t tease us with the possibility of making her a vampire in next week’s previews unless you mean to really do it, seriously, it’s the only thing that can save this character), Bill got a lap dance from Destiny (we’ve all been there), the entire shooting cover-up of Eggs is really just a lame set up so Jason (Ryan Kwanten) can play police without having to succumb to any shred of reality (even the make believe kind), Eric set up Bill to take the fall for the Queen (okay, now this has possibilities), and Bill embraced his inner vampire by feasting on a stripper (because, you know, that’s just so like him). And no, I didn’t forget Sam (Sam Trammell) and his dysfunctional furry family. It’s just that I was asleep during those scenes so I can’t remember what happened.

Just when did this wild, sexy show become so boring and dumb? If I wanted to be so bored while looking at all that nudity I’d watch Showgirls.

Every storyline is beating us over the head with a “love is crap” public service announcement that can only go one way: okay we lied, love isn’t really crap, in fact, it’s the bestest thing ever! And if Sookie ends up sleeping with Alcide (Joe Manganiello) (and how could she not, he’s just so…chesty!) then you can put me on Team I Give Up On This Show.

I loved Season One. I liked Season Two despite its major flaws. But Season Three so far? It’s a bad sign when the three minute Postmortem interview clip is more entertaining than the previous hour. Grade: D

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