Dad Asks If He’s The [Jerk] For Leaving His Kid’s B-Day Party Because Cake Had Her Deadname On It

Any decent parent would agree that protecting your children from harm is your first priority. From when they’re still in the womb until they’re hopefully taking care of you, that instinct is hard-wired in the case of at least one parent, if not both.

For one man, he made the swift decision to rescue his trans daughter after she came face to face with a birthday cake that had her birth name on it. After making the choice to flee the party together, the dad is now wondering if that was a jerk move. 

More info: Reddit

Good parents put their kids first, as this dad did when his trans daughter was insulted

Image credits: cottonbro studio / Pexels (not the actual photo)

The dad and his daughter were attending her 17th birthday party, which was being thrown at his grandma’s house

Image credits:Polina Tankilevitch / Pexels (not the actual photo)

The party was going great until the cake came out, which bore the trans teen’s birth name in bright frosting

Image credits: Pavel Danilyuk / Pexels (not the actual photo)

The teen immediately burst into tears, urging her dad to gather their things and make a hasty exit to the safety of home

Image credits: HopefulChocolatepie

The man’s sister then texted him that she thought his daughter was unstable and ungrateful, prompting him to wonder if leaving the party had been a jerk move

OP begins his story by telling the community that he is a single dad to his 17-year-old trans daughter, Alexis. He shares that, since Alexis came out two years ago, it’s been a pretty big adjustment, especially for the older folks in the family, such as his 90-year-old grandmother who suffers from mild dementia. 

The dad goes on to explain that Alexis recently had her seventeenth birthday. While she had planned a day out with her friends, her aunt (who lives with the grandmother and is her primary caregiver) suggested they have a family birthday party at grandma’s house too – an idea Alexis was thrilled with. 

According to OP, the celebration was great, until it was time for the cake, which had “Happy Birthday, [Deadname]!” frosted on it. As soon as she caught sight of it, Alexis burst into tears, prompting OP to gather their things and make a beeline for home. 

While he was comforting his daughter, OP says his phone was blowing up with texts from his sister, which he put on mute. When he finally opened the texts, OP says the messages devolved from concern into outright anger. 

Apparently, the aunt accused Alexis of being unstable and ungrateful. 

OP says that, while most of his relatives are on his side, he’s getting the silent treatment from his sister and grandmother. He’s since turned to Reddit to ask if leaving the party was a jerk move. 

While it’s understandable that OP would do whatever it took to protect his daughter, did the grandmother even know what deadnaming is? And, as the grandmother’s primary caregiver, could the aunt not have headed the whole situation off at the pass, rather than expect her 17-year-old trans niece to just suck it up?

Image credits: RDNE Stock project / Pexels (not the actual photo)

If you have a trans person in your life, you’re probably already familiar with the term, but for those who don’t know, just what is “deadnaming” and why is it so harmful?

The National Center for Transgender Equality’s 2015 U.S. Trans Survey concluded that 46% of trans people surveyed had been verbally harassed and 9% had been physically assaulted just for identifying as transgender. 

In their article for Healthline, KC Clements writes that deadnaming occurs when someone, intentionally or not, refers to a transgender (trans) person by the name they used before they transitioned. It’s best described as referring to someone by their “birth name” or their “given name.” 

A trans person can experience deadnaming anywhere in their life, from the workplace to the classroom and even personal relationships. According to Wikipedia, “Deadnaming may be unintentional, or a deliberate attempt to deny, mock, or invalidate a person’s gender identity.” 

In her article for VeryWellMind, Ariane Resnick writes that studies have revealed that the act of changing one’s name, along with their gender marker, improves mental health. In particular, the act of “gender affirmation was significantly associated with lower reports of depression, anxiety, somatization, global psychiatric distress, and upsetting responses to gender-based mistreatment.”

Taking all this into consideration, it’s no wonder that OP’s daughter was devastated, especially since she came out a whole two years ago. That’s plenty of time for the family to have adjusted to a position of support for her decision.

What would you have done if you’d found yourself in OP’s shoes? Do you think he and his daughter overreacted, or were they justified in getting out of there? Let us know your opinion in the comments!

Readers in the comments speculated that it might not have been the grandma’s fault, but rather that of the aunt who didn’t correct the mistake, and concluded that the dad was not being a jerk