Generosity feels wonderful, and nobody gives more freely than a person handing out something that belongs to someone else. It costs nothing and earns all the credit. Free furniture sounds harmless until you remember that couches come with receipts, and the person who paid for the couch usually gets a say in where it ends up.
One woman mentioned a living room refresh in the family chat, and her brother-in-law decided to take it from there. By the time she caught up, her sofa already had a new home and a new owner in mind, though nobody had thought to run it past her.
The art of giving is a subtle one, and it certainly does not include giving away what does not belong to you
stockking/Magnific (not the actual photo)
A woman mentioned on her family chat that they would remodel, and her brother-in-law went behind her back to start playing Santa
Christopher/Flickr (not the actual photo)
He told his girlfriend she could get the couches, all while the woman was actually listing them for several hundred dollars online
The woman wanted to reply to this by sending the family the actual listing, letting them know it wasn’t a freebie
The ancient Romans said it best when they said “nemo dat quod non habet.” Nobody can give what they don’t have. A gift needs the owner to intend to give it, the item to be handed over, and the recipient to accept it. The only person who could do the first part never did. She mentioned looking at new furniture in a group chat, and her brother-in-law heard “free couch, inquire within.” By legal definition, he handed out a gift he had no way to give, which does not make him a philanthropist.
Economist James Andreoni coined “warm glow giving” in 1990 to describe the happy buzz people get from the act of giving itself, apart from whatever good the gift does. The buzz still works when the thing being given belongs to somebody else. He got to be the generous boyfriend, his mom got to text about how sweet everyone was being, and the one person who paid for the couch found out about it last. His mother’s message about “passing it along to someone who could use it” may be the most polite way anyone has ever been volunteered into something.
Economist James Andreoni coined “warm glow giving” in 1990 to describe the happy buzz people get from the act of giving itself, apart from whatever good the gift does. The buzz still works when the thing being given belongs to somebody else. He got to be the generous boyfriend, his mom got to text about how sweet everyone was being, and the one person who paid for the couch found out about it last.
Timur Weber (not the actual photo)
The girlfriend deserves some sympathy. She measured her living room because she was told a done deal was waiting for her, and nobody warned her it wasn’t real. The mix-up started with a classic mental shortcut, jumping to conclusions, which psychologists count among the common cognitive distortions. “She’s looking at new stuff” turned into “she doesn’t want the old stuff” and then “she’s giving it away.” Each step sounds reasonable until you notice nobody asked a question along the way.
The husband might be the real jerk in the situation. Avoiding conflict is one of the most common ways couples handle disagreements, and it tends to leave one person inevitably footing the bill. In most places, property bought before a marriage is generally treated as separate property, so she paid for this set with her own money before the wedding and has every right to decide where it goes.
The market agrees with her. Facebook’s parent company has said more than a billion people use Marketplace every month, and two of them wanted this set within a day of listing it. If a girlfriend wants to join that line at full price, nobody can say she was treated unfairly.
So no, posting the listing in the family chat isn’t out of line. It’s an announcement of the actual terms. If she’d rather soften it, she could add a line like “Happy to sell to family first, here’s the price.” Offering a discount to the girlfriend is her call, and it stays her call even if her brother-in-law keeps trying to make it for her. The next time he wants to be a hero, he can do it with his own furniture.
Do you think she should be giving it away for free and keep the peace? Give her some advice in the comments!
People in the comments had her back, saying the brother-in-law way overstepped
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