Most kids grow up thinking their parents know what’s best. They see their family’s habits as normal and might not realize that other families can be very different. It can take years before they look back and see their childhood differently.
Having narcissistic parents can make this even harder. Daily life might include constant criticism, unfair expectations, and little support, so it’s tough to know what a healthy family really looks like.
On Reddit, people are sharing the moments that made them question their upbringing, the signs they noticed years later, and the experiences that finally helped them understand their parents’ behavior. Their stories offer a glimpse into what growing up in these households can really feel like.
#1
I was over thirty :) So I was reading about good parenting (I’m a parent) and there was this test: Are you a narcissistic parent? I thought I’d check it out bc I genuinely care about my daughter, and I’ll take any opportunities to better our relationship. Anyway, near the end of the test I had my light bulb moment. It turns out, I am OK, but both my parents are terribly narcissistic. I remember moments from my childhood, teenage years and even adulthood passing before my eyes in this new (and sad) light. That was the beginning of a decade of (slow and painful) healing.
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#2
The first time I used the word narcissist to describe my father was when I was still in high school, but I wasn’t using the word in a way that really had any meaning. I didn’t understand the full extent of what it means.
6 months ago (I’m 33) my mom lied about something sbe claimed my husband said about something she was allowed to do with our son when he was visiting (COVID boundaries).
The lie and the way she reacted when we confronted her was a huge red flag.
A couple of days later, we excitedly shared the news that we were buying our first house. My mom LOST IT and accused me of moving away because I hate my dad (I don’t hate him. I am indifferent to him, and my decision to buy a house in another town had nothing to do with either of them).
She said a bunch of awful things and I hung up on her.
That’s when I started googling the behavior and it all came crashing down in a matter of 12 hours, which is how long it took me to read The Passive Aggressive Narcissist by Debbie Mirza. The minute my husband woke up, I made him read it because I was convinced I was crazy.
6 Months no contact so far and no regrets!
Image source: one_blunt_object, Ambreen/Magnific (not the actual photo)
We often hear about narcissism, but do you know what a narcissistic person means? Narcissism means focusing too much on yourself, needing a lot of admiration, and having trouble noticing how others feel or what they need.
Still, just having some narcissistic traits doesn’t mean a person has narcissistic personality disorder. This difference is important, especially when we talk about parents and how they treat their children.
A narcissistic parent might see their child as part of themselves instead of as a separate person with their own needs, feelings, and goals. They may want their children to follow their plans, help them look good, or make them feel important, which can leave little space for the child’s own identity.
#3
At a very very young age I heard the phrase “legend in his own mind” and instantly felt deeply seen because of my narc father. Constantly bragging and boasting, referring to himself as “yours truly”, never shutting up, always being argumentative, convinced he is a genius for no reason at all. At that moment I had clarity about how delusional he was and built up a guard.
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#4
~25. Ironically it’s because I went back to therapy due to my nmom telling me I had “obvious character flaws” I needed to work on.
Literally the first session, the therapist stopped me mid sentence and said “4 of the 5 reasons you’re here are because of your mom. Has she ever been diagnosed with any mental illnesses? What you’re describing is that she’s a textbook narcissist and you’ve been scapegoated your entire life.”
That was the very first time in my life I can remember being told I absolutely was not the problem and that the things like my “anger issues” my nmom claimed I had was actually me standing up for myself. All the times I felt like I was going insane because she never seemed to understand me or even hear me was because she was gaslighting me.
Image source: RocktamusPrim3, shurkin_son/Magnific (not the actual photo)
Some parents also find it hard to celebrate their children’s achievements without taking credit or turning the focus back to themselves. They might criticize their children for disagreeing, ignore their feelings, or not say sorry after causing hurt. Over time, these actions can harm a child’s confidence and independence.
Growing up like this can make children always try to win approval that never really lasts. They might start hiding their opinions, avoiding arguments, and putting their parent’s feelings before their own. Knowing about these patterns helps explain why guilt, self-doubt, and people-pleasing often continue into adulthood.
#5
My teens, but more so in my 20s. I’m 25, and after discussing a lot with my therapist and my best friends, I’ve realized more this past year about my parents’ tactics. I did a lot to try and make them proud and do what I thought would make them happy, but I always received lectures, questions that had me second-guessing, annoyance, and disappointed looks. I’m 25 and am now barely trying to do stuff for myself, instead of for my parents. But if you were to ask them, my mother more so, I chose others over them, and I’m the ungrateful, trouble, sneaky, disrespectful child. I’m in my mid-20s and feel like I’ve barely lived my life.
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#6
37..the more I tried to confront them from an equal, adult position, the meaner they became. Trying to confuse me, poking at my insecurities, setting strangers and family members up against me. It had been going on for some time, but realising you are in the cold war…it’s the cherry on top of a relationship that was never easy.
Image source: PsychologicalSalt455, albertyurolaits/Magnific (not the actual photo)
Following this line, guilt can be a strong tool for controlling a child. Sometimes, a parent will bring up their sacrifices, say their child never appreciates anything, or make them feel selfish for wanting independence. Rather than talking through a disagreement, the parent might focus on what the child supposedly owes them.
This behavior is called guilt-tripping. It means making someone feel responsible for another person’s feelings on purpose. Children who go through this may start saying sorry just to keep the peace, even if they did nothing wrong. Over time, they might have trouble telling the difference between real responsibility and guilt that others put on them.
#7
I didn’t have names or terms for it. I wasn’t exposed to sources like this, social media like this to share my experiences. Also the fact I can speak English seems to open more mental doors for me if you understand, because you see, in Eastern countries of Europe, nothing regarding mental health exists and if it does, it’s on the negative side.
I just knew she was bad news and that she wasn’t a parent she should’ve been. I didn’t wonder why she was doing what she was doing because I didn’t know better. It didn’t even hit me until this year just HOW bad my living situation was back then. But I came across the word narcissist here, around a year and a half ago. I learned about heir behaviour, shared what happened to me and realized she has bigger issues than I thought.
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#8
One night I was drunk asf and home alone with my parents and heard them arguing. I had known they had problems so I decided to actually listen in on the conversation and I was shocked.
My mom was confronting my dad about being drunk at my brothers senior night football game and he started saying stuff like “Well you had 4 drinks the other night”, “you don’t even appreciate all that I do for you”, “I’m a model husband in everyone else’s eyes.” I realized he was trying to gaslight and manipulate her the entire conversation and then when she still wouldn’t give him an inch he started screaming at her.
I was literally stopping myself from crying just so I could keep listening. All the justifying, lying about how much he drank and when he drank, and just blame shifting made me realize something was very very wrong.
Image source: sarah_ewinter, katemangostar/Magnific (not the actual photo)
#9
I began noticing something was off when I started high school and I never wanted any of my friends to meet my Nmom. It got so bad that I began to self isolate because Nmom found out I had friends at school and insisted that I was not allowed to speak with them unless she met their parents. I would rather speak to no one at all than subject them to her. At the time, it didn’t click how horrible that was.
There were many times when she would be upset with me and make a point to emphasize how she wasn’t speaking to me. She would talk to everyone else, sometimes about me, in front of me. She would say things like “I don’t know why OP is treating me so poorly or why they keep doing (insert non existent rule infraction) to hurt me” right in front of me. Most times, I had no idea what she was even referring to.
The final piece that solidified my realization was during my last year of college. I was dating my now husband at the time. He would come over and hang out so we could see each other (it was the middle of the worst of the lockdown). One night he asked me why my Nmom acted a certain way and why she said some of the things she had that evening. We began talking about it and I admitted to him that I couldn’t explain her behavior because it never made any sense. He brought up that it might be narcissism, so we immediately looked up the term on Google. Lo and behold, she checked every single box. Textbook case. I did some more research and discovered that she’s a covert narc.
I was 30 when that happened. Looking back over my life and the interactions with her through the years I realized that she’s never cared how I felt. Everything had to revolve around her and she insists it continue to this day.
I’ve realized that I’m a human too and my emotional/ mental health is more important than her concocted reality. She’s not speaking to me right now and I’ve never been more relieved.
Image source: jackal_lynn, DC Studio/Magnific (not the actual photo)
Children look to their parents to learn how relationships should work. If a parent often calls them names, shames them, rejects them, or withholds affection, children might see these actions as normal in a family. They may not realize the emotional harm, since they have little experience with healthier relationships.
In fact, some children grow up without anyone noticing their feelings. Their parents might brush off their sadness, ignore their worries, or not comfort them after a tough day. If this happens often, children may stop asking for help and start to think their feelings are unimportant.
#10
Hyper-awareness- I didn’t realize until I grew up and lived with some stable roommates.
I could tell by her footsteps what mood she was in. I was aware of exactly where she was and what her mood was. If her mood changed, even the dog knew to hide.
It’s crazy now. Sometimes I’ll hear my roommate make a noise, and I’ll have a memory of exactly what that sound meant growing up.
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#11
Low self esteem/confidence, people pleasing and proving (via good grades/staying out of trouble, meaning not getting caught) my worth.
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#12
Being hyper sensitive to noises. I can’t help but feel like crying whenever my mom speaks in a tone just a tiny bit louder than normal.
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It can take years for some adults to understand their parents’ behavior. They may begin to question their childhood after seeing how other families talk to each other, noticing how their friends’ parents handle disagreements, or being in relationships where their feelings are respected. These comparisons can make their own family patterns seem very different.
Talking about these experiences can also change how adults view themselves. In interviews, adult children of narcissists said they realized their parents’ behavior, not their own shortcomings, explained many of their struggles. This new understanding helped them make sense of their past and think about how to protect themselves in the future.
#13
My father thought it was hilarious when I was sick as a child, one time I had horrific stomach cramps and I was crying on the sofa curled up into a ball, I must have been 7 years old. Anyway he thought that would be a great moment to whip out the video camera and proceed to record me while howling with laughter 🥲 for some reason this is the memory that came to mind out of everything and there was a lot. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to digest this trauma ❤️.
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#14
I think I was school age – but seeing my classmates with their families, seeing their parents tell them they’re proud (like at sports/music events) – I never had that. That was the first time I felt truly empty. I think I was 10 or 11.
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#15
When I started college. None of the girls on my floor were having similar issues with their parents. And then I talked to my older sister about it, and she told me what her friends majoring in psychology thought about our dad (toss up between schizophrenia and narcissism at the time) and was just waiting for me to be ready to talk.
Part of me always knew I couldn’t be as awful as he acted like I was. It took being away for months to finally see what he was doing.
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Adult life is way more affected by these behaviors than we think. Adults who always try to please others often find it hard to say no, share what they need, or make choices without worrying about letting someone down. They may agree to things they don’t want to do, change their plans for others, or feel selfish when they put themselves first.
To break this habit that often comes from childhood, it helps to remember that saying no is not unkind. People can set boundaries with their time, choose which requests matter most, and don’t have to explain every choice. At first, they might feel guilty, especially if their family expects them to say yes, but they still have the right to decide for themselves.
#16
I’m in my 40’s and didn’t even know anything about narcissism until a couple of years ago. My mom and dad are from a different country and came here in the 70’s. I was born here and always had a hard time growing up.
I always knew something was off but did not know how to express it.
My mom and I would get into disagreements all the time growing up and I would always be so frustrated because of what she was teaching me and how society was. As I grew older I got into more disagreements with her and then they turned into arguments and shouting matches. She would always gaslight me (I didn’t know what that was either) and then turn the story around.
I was limited on what I could do because she would always tell me that I didn’t know how to do it or I was doing it wrong. She always said that knew what was best for me. I grew up in constant frustration because I didn’t understand why society was one way but the person who loved me and supposed to be guiding me taught me differently.
I later got married and had a child, but my mom was still controlling and pulling the strings even in my marriage.
I continued to argue with her and disagree with her and we would always fight. She would never admit to anything she did wrong. She would always flaunt her money around too and try to buy our love and attention.
My spouse and all my friends were always telling me that I was mean to my mom. I would always tell them they don’t understand what I go thru. It was constant and always a battle. My wife knew that she was hard to deal with but would always say things like “but she’s your mom.”
In the end I got therapy because of issues in our marriage and our child wasn’t well. Thats when it finally all came out about people with narcissistic behaviors and how they control and maniupulate things for their own benefit.
I am extremely resentful of my mom and how she used her power and authority over me. I unfortunately probably raised my own child like my mom without me knowing. Fortunately we put them in therapy early on and work things out as a family. I also told my mom that she can have no contact with them if she gives any life advice. She is limited on when she can see them or speak to them.
My dad on the other hand was tough but I think he was frustrated as well and just took things out on us. My mom would in turn use that to make us against our dad in the past. He has now changed since they got divorced and is more calm. He too does not talk to my mom anymore. She ended up being all alone because of how she is. It really is sad.
I cut her off many years ago due to my own mental health and the well being of my own family.
My biggest warning is that if you are growing up in a narcissistic household and don’t know anything about it for some reason you will continue to attract more narcissistic people because its who you are used to the most. Please be aware and not be taken advantage of.
I never knew and wish there was a resource like this back when I was growing up. I wish you the best.
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#17
When I got married and was part of a healthy family structure for the first time.
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#18
Embarrassingly late. We always just called her crazy but it wasn’t until I randomly saw a video on narcissism a couple years ago that the lightbulb went off. Then I realized my sister was also a narcissist (just not mean spirited in the way our mom is).
Once I read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents it was like reading a script of my upbringing. What’s been hardest is processing the feelings I have about my enabler dad. I used to see him as a fellow victim that I had to protect to now seeing him as her accomplice.
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Healing is not about ignoring childhood experiences or feeling pressured to have a relationship with a parent who still causes harm. Adults can start to notice their emotional triggers, learn about their family history, and choose how much contact feels right for them. Therapy can support them as they work through painful memories, so those experiences do not shape their whole identity.
Setting boundaries is about choosing which behaviors are okay and taking action if someone crosses those lines. For instance, an adult might walk away from a conversation if a parent is insulting, or decide not to talk about personal choices. These boundaries can also help them create healthier relationships with their own children.
Growing up with narcissistic parents can leave emotional scars, but those experiences don’t have to define the rest of someone’s life. Recognizing unhealthy patterns can help adults build the kind of family environment they once needed themselves.
Have you ever recognized similar behaviors in your own family? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments.
#19
So many lies to avoid accountability; until the last one that was so absurdly untrue I’d have to be crazy to believe it. It hit me that this is a delusional person, and I’d been delusional too. Never saw anything the same. Went nc.
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#20
A year and a half ago almost when my mother triangulated me with my sister and brother in law. I just started piecing together everything from her behaviour down the years from there and realised she is a covert narcissist.
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#21
I didn’t realize she was one, but I started to notice something was off about my childhood in my twenties when I’d tell them something my mom said or did, and people didn’t believe me and they’d say no mother would do that. She might not even be a narcissist since she hasn’t been diagnosed, but she has all the traits of one.
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#22
28. I knew things were wrong before that but I couldn’t put my finger on it. It took me until this year to learn about covert narcissism and go “oh hell. That’s my mom.”.
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#23
I’m 24 as well. I went NC with my mother and sister 2-3 months ago, realized their narcissistic behavior a couple weeks after I went NC. Finally had enough energy to realize what was going on. I’m never going back!
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#24
Sometime in my 30s. 20+ years ago, the term “narcissist” was not very well-known. My sister was going through a lot of therapy at the time. Her therapist said that apparently she was married to a narcissist and had probably grown up around one. So she sent me a description of NPD, and I thought “narcissism? What does this have to do with Greek mythology?” Then when I read the description, I thought “how did they know Dad?”.
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#25
When i was in a psych class in undergrad (lol) and it was my first time hearing about the clinical diagnosis. like 8/10 things were my dad to a T. it also made sense considering his weird family dynamic with his parents and sibling, like there’s def some raging narcissism on that side of the family. little things like talking about how much smarter he is than everyone at work, getting mad at me for not “being there” for him emotionally even when i was like…a teenager lol. which i guess is called parentification. and just generally viewing me as an extension of himself. i’m looking for resources online about NPD but most seem to be about the mother, would be interested to know if anyone has anything related to a father-daughter dynamic.
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#26
Real talk: I’ve been on this sub for 13 years. Since 2008
13 years. Since Digg went down and the mass exodus to reddit.
I just pretended my parents weren’t narcissists even tho I could relate to every single post. I lurked for years without posting anything and just read.
I ended up married to a narcissist (I think she had bpd actually), divorced, and finally got therapy. Realized and came to terms that my parents were narcissists.
I’ve always known. I just didn’t want to accept it.
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#27
I was going on one of my usual rants in which I complained about the things my dad did to me while I grew up. That’s when my mom admitted that he’s a narc. Despite that, they’re happily married for 20 years. My mom’s personality is one that is attractive to narcs and she’s fine with tolerating my dad’s personality. If I were in her place I’d go insane.
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#28
When I got accepted to study abroad, and her first comment was “pick a flat big enough so mom can come visit”. I had felt off about her and our relationship for a long time, but at that moment it just hit me; she had never really cared about me, only herself.
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#29
When my dad’s ex-therapist told me. She told me that I needed to understand he was a narcissist, that my grandfather was a malignant narcissist and my grandmother on my mothers side was likely a narcissist. That I NEEDED therapy to recover from the disfunction I was raised in.
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#30
I knew my parents were different very early on but most of the signs were probably when I was a teenager.
My parents didn’t take any medical issues seriously until they were borderline debilitating. My brother has a learning disability that they completely ignored so he’d be reliant on them. He’s only worked physical labour jobs for the past 15 or so years because his reading/writing is so affected.
I sprained my knee when I was 12/13 and they refused to take me to the doctor until like 2 months later only because I couldn’t do gym and my teacher was starting to get suspicious. I could barely walk.
My nfather was always controlling and obsessed about my appearance. He called me a hussy when I was 15 because I was wearing lipgloss and would make comments to my mother (in front of me) telling her to tell me to put on a bra in the house. He took the door off my room at one point because he didn’t like the fact that I could lock it (this was also during puberty which made it even creepier).
He used to push my buttons and then laugh in my face when I got angry because he was acting like a jerk. He also straight up just gave me money for a birthday and told me I could only keep it if I hugged him. That was probably the lowest point in my life. I felt like absolute trash but I needed the money. Still 0/10 would not do again no matter how much money was on offer.
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#31
I didn’t know my grandmother was a narcissist until I had my first child and realizing how I could never ever treat him the way she treated me growing up. Also when I got to therapy the stories I would tell my therapist shocked her and that’s when I knew. I feel like after getting into therapy the memories of my childhood started flood back like crazy the more that my memories and come back the more I started to distance myself from my grandma until eventually we went completely no contact she didn’t really understand because we were on good terms but I became her most successful child in the end and I think that’s why we were on good terms and that’s why I ended the relationship. She used to treated my sister so good growing up my sister literally got the ground that she walked on worshiped I was constantly in trouble I never really had a childhood or a teenage years I can’t really remember any positive memories from my childhood at all and that’s how I know that I was raised by someone who was extremely toxic.
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#32
– being afraid to say what’s on your mind or how someone’s behavior upset you because you know it will just lead to a fight
– questioning and doubting yourself / your reality
– living in a constant state of stress
– making other people’s emotions your responsibility.
Image source: Either_Disaster182
#33
Feeling a bit anxious and worried about being happy because I’m not sure what challenges might come up. I’m always on edge and in survival mode. I also have some resentment towards people because of my narcissistic parents, especially since they always caused problems in social situations. I feel like I have to be constantly on guard.
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#34
For me, I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop and walking on egg shells. That and not having anyone to share problems or concerns with made it very lonely.
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#35
Mainly that I never felt like my parents “had my back.” Any time I expressed displeasure of any kind, whether warranted or not – I was shot down and my feelings invalidated.
So I quickly learned that nobody was on my side – that nobody would care about me if I were sad/hurting/in distress/in need of help. And that feeling drove me simultaneously to resentful anger and deep despair.
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#36
I mean, could you elaborate on the last bit that believing that being happy is wrong though I completely understand that feeling ill or feeling like you’re not worthy enough or things you do are not very sensible understandable but what would make you happy?
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#37
Yes. I relate to all of that. I used to get suspicious when I would see good parents. Like yea, you just around strangers so that’s why you nice. It’s really bad.
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#38
I relate to nearly all your stories. Mostly the daily blow ups and living in a constant state of survival mode, walking on eggshells. No kid should be stressed out all the time like that. The dread at the thought of simply going home after school. The panic of making a small mistake. I feel bad for the little me. For all the little yous.
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#39
When I won a full ride scholarship, and I needed my paperwork turned in, and Ndad “forgot” about doing it off every day for a week until they revoked my acceptance and chose the runner up.
4 years in culinary school paid for cause I won a national competition, but he didn’t think I would be successful, so he decided I shouldn’t go.
What a jerk.
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#40
When I had a very rare sleepover at my house with a friend when I was probably 12. We had such a good night hanging out. In the morning, my dad demanded that I wash the minivan (soap bucket/sponge) on my own. I have 3 brothers. My brothers didn’t have any friends over or any other chores to do. I asked if one of my brothers could do it as I had a friend over. He insisted that I do it completely by myself while my friend was there. She sat in the dining room watching out the window while I sobbed as I washed the van alone. It was not a warm day, not warm enough to stick my hands in a cold bucket of water and have water run down my arms. I got a cold.
I still have no idea why it had to be me at all, me alone, while I had a visitor, and so urgently (right now!). It wasn’t some job I did on my own a lot. I hadn’t promised to do it. There was no urgent reason to do it that morning. We rarely washed the cars anyway. 🤷♀️
It was one of the few times that it just felt completely wrong and to have a witness to it felt humiliating.
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#41
When people’s moms actually did stuff just because they cared and not bc they want something in return. My mother always just expects SOMETHING in return. It doesn’t matter what it is but she expects something.
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#42
When I realized I flinch or cry at pretty much anything. And when I met my in-laws and they barely knew me but told me they were proud of me. I’ve had a lot more but those two stand out the most right now.
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#43
When raising my own kids I continually had lightning moments of “this is how people do this?” Kids actually enjoy being around the family & I had to send them to bed at bedtime – as a child/teen I always went to bed hours early. Experiencing the good stuff made me realize how bad my childhood was.
I wish I had realized prior to becoming a parent, I would have done it better.
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#44
When she started grounding CONSTANTLY me because she was jealous i had friends and she didn’t. she wanted me all to herself. also the silent treatments.
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#45
When i was fully prepared for my parents divorcing for them to reunite and turn against me for causing their marital issues. I was 9.
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#46
Receiving gift cards or cash as Christmas gifts or birthday presents and watching it go straight to my parents, never to be seen again. Hated receiving money.
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#47
I am middle aged and have little kids, but its watching my friends who have older kids that really hits me. These young adults setting off in the world with supportive parents that give them healthy amounts of freedom and help when they need it. And they are happy for and proud of them! Imagine that!
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#48
I didn’t really have a moment. I felt like that my whole childhood but i do remember being about 8 years old and watching other kids getting picked up by their parents after school and feeling sad because i wanted my parents to care about me the same way. But then i had to walk home because they couldn’t even be bothered to come get me.
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#49
I am 57 years old and I just realized it when I moved back with my 78 yr old nmother 4 months ago. I never understood her behavior towards family and people in general. And I thought she hated me the most. I have anxiety, phobias, unexplained body aches, insomnia and depression. It was through the internet that I was able to put a name on what I have been experiencing throughout my whole life. My mom is a malignant narcissist and is getting worse as she age. I am the scapegoat. Since I learned about narcissism I was able to heal slowly and recently went no contact. That was 8 days ago and I’ve never slept better in my entire life. I have dreams again 😊.
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#50
My brother told me after he went to therapy. Ironically he’s just as big a narcissist.
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#51
I think it was about 3 years ago, i realized my dad is narcissistic. I was supposed to go visit them for Christmas, but the day before, there was a huge snowstorm & it also rained, so the roads were a mess…i told them i wasn’t gonna take the train/bus & didn’t want them to drive in that weather (for safety issues)
i called them on x-mas day, & my dad told me i was cut off from the family & that he wanted nothing to do with me…i haven’t spoken to him since that day.
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#52
The failure of my own marriage led me to read a serious book about pathological personalities…..a new world is open to me. I was never able to look at my parents the same way after learning everything about narcissistic toxicity towards children.
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#53
Not until after our wedding & miscarriage almost 2 years ago now we are now no contact with my mum who tried to ruin our wedding & after a week of hearing about it had no interest in our ectopic pregnancy. The drama she attempted to create around our wedding was so unnecessary & was to suit herself
Spoke with a therapist & it’s the best thing I have ever done! I had no idea, I just thought my mum just had a very bad temper & would randomly fly into rages&I would sit there quietly like a nodding dog leaving her call me everything & say anything until she calmed down, the education I got about NPD from therapy, books&podcasts has been eye opening & so helpful. I always wondering why she lacked patience with friends, she’s like people for a short time then this huge distrust which would soon turn into hate would begin & she’d fall out with them. She also had no contact with her own family, she’d broken that years ago.
It’s crazy when you grow up with someone like that, you can’t see anything wrong with it, I worshipped my mum because “you only get one mother” as she always told us. A relationship manipulated & led by guilt when there was nothing to be guilty of.
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#54
I kept getting sick in my teen years. Then it went into my 20s. Then 30s. Finally I realised I was struggling with something called C-PTSD. And I was looking after a parent who was very mentally ill. I worked my way backwards, talked to a lot of professionals, did my research and finally realised that said parent was suffering from a personality disorder (on the spectrum with NPD/ASPD) and then I started working on my anger issues. I realised I’d inherited all the rage that sick parent had. So I’ve been learning to let go of pain that is not mine. I have my own, so I’d much rather take care of that, right?
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#55
Is she a vulnerable covert narcissist who uses crying a lot?
When I was a young teen my dad convinced me I don’t need braces because his gaps were worse (he got veneers) and then bought a $1200 guitar that week. He would bring me to help him celebrate his new gift to himself.
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#56
Earlier this year, but all the signs were there. From berating healthcare workers to playing the victim, to sulking and pouting when being told no.
Went nc.
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#57
When I was 47 sadly but I know now and that’s all that matters. My sister was the scapegoat and I was the golden child. My dad is still married to my N mom and it breaks my heart and soul.
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#58
You can support your kids by being the parent who loves them unconditionally and engages with them in a different way. Kids need to feel seen and heard. Right now they’re always feeling guilty and caretaking for their narc mother. You can build a safe harbour for them through your relationship.
And you can smuggle some important messages, without directly insulting their mother. This will allow them to connect the dots themselves when the time comes.
Like, I would have really appreciated someone explaining to me (and showing me through example) that it’s okay to have a different opinion than your narcissistic parent. I was so convinced that I had to be on my mom’s “side” all the time, or I wouldn’t be loved. But I also noticed that when I disagreed with her, she would cut me down, and it struck me as weird at the time. Years later I’m working on how to disagree with people without thinking the sky will fall.
Honestly, I would’ve loved to have had one parent who was genuinely wanting to spend time with me and listen and let me be me. Even if your kids sometimes push you away out of loyalty to their mother, having you in their lives can make all the difference.
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#59
Honestly, as soon as I turned 18 and I immediately moved out. Even before that I knew something was wrong with her and I couldn’t put my finger on it because I always felt guilty because everybody said, but she’s your mother. She wants the best ….. when she clearly didn’t want my best. So yeah 18 years old realized what she had done to me and moved out. I might’ve labeled it as narcissistic or histrionic a few years after that, but I definitely made my informed decision when I was 18.
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#60
I started to realize how wrong my upbringing was when I moved away for college. Seeing the way other people interact with each other without regularly going home and having the dysfunction reinforced really opened my eyes. Then when I went back home for the holidays, I’d gotten enough distance that I finally saw how I was being mistreated.
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#61
This may sound like I’m a dummy, but I was 52. Driving my nmom to her cancer treatments, listening to her declare she was a good mother. She said that to me. The daughter she punched so hard she detached my retina when I was 16.
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#62
At a funeral when they stsrted to bad mouth the deceased family member.
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#63
When I was a preteen. He suddenly became overly religious and would criticize the whole family. He told us we’re all bound for hell because of things he saw in his dreams. I wasn’t a saint but at this age I was literally a Sunday school teacher and a goody 2 shoes. All my students parents wanted their kids to be like me. Like what more could you want as a Christian? He told us he knew he was already getting into heaven because his name was already written in the book of life. And if he became a pastor he’d have hundreds of followers because he was that good. Mind you he can barely read and only watches videos on YouTube for his knowledge.
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#64
I realised when I began to really hate myself deeply for making mistakes. M and D are narcissists so I would always be the scapegoat for everything and would be belittled at every turn. Went into therapy for my extreme anxiety and it turned out the root of it was my desperation to please my parents mixed with the fear of facing their anger/disapproval. It’s been two weeks and I’ve been having really big anxiety attacks when I face them, crying spells etc. I think I just broke when it finally got to me that I wasn’t making any of it up. Wouldn’t change my view of reality now for the world though as It’s making me more aware as ever.
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#65
I think I started to suspect it in my mid to late 20s. My therapist “confirmed” my suspicion when I was around 30. I’m 33 now and still with this therapist. It was so “good” to hear that what I had to go through was anything but normal and that my mental health was so bad because of it. I’m still working on it. 🙏.
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#66
I figured out something was up with my family as a young child. It was a couple years ago (I’m 23 now) where I really figured something was up and came across narcissistic families and the dynamics. Realized that that was my life. It took a lot to leave however it’s been the best thing that I’ve ever done. At first I was doing really good and I’ve kinda plateaued and I’m a bit depressed right now. It’s been almost a year since I left so I’m guessing that it’s that hitting. It’s a lot of mental work however I’ve been improving slowly and slowly becoming myself again.
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#67
I probably realised in full with how I felt like I was never good enough, and how others were just so peacefully living. It confused the hell out of me when I was a kid and people were actually happy with their life😭.
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#68
I was in my 30’s and my mom and step dad were always calling other people narcissistic. I had no idea what that meant so I looked it up. Low and behold there was a picture of mom and step dad. Description fit them to a tee. I have been reducing my time with them since it always ended in a fight anyway and every few years they blow up on me because “it seems like you’re kicking us to the curb. What did we do to you?!”.
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#69
Googled “black sheep of the family”.
Answers online and a perfect explanation of a family dynamic right down to the ironically often forgotten and barely mentioned lost/invisible child (which in my family would have been my sister). The description of it made the whole world make sense.
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#70
At 12 it was obvious . I just knew I did not want to marry anyone like my dad and I vowed to not be like that .
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#71
Realized they were different to other parents in college.
Clocked the first as a narcissist in my early 20s.
Realized the next was a narcissist at 37, swiftly followed by the third.
And finally, in my early 40s, understood how the fourth parent was their own kind of narcissist -off the heels of the staggering discovery of my ex spouse’s second life (also a narcissist).
I have multiple step-parents, and unhealed people repeat patterns. I’m done with healing myself, but I’m so proud of how far I’ve gotten.
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#72
I knew something was off when I was a toddler. Didn’t really realize my mom was a nmom until I cared for her when she had cancer before her passing away. I had a break down. Finally heard “I was a good parent!” one too many times. The scapegoat (me) got stuck taking care of her. Which she hated. She wanted her golden child to be with her instead.
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#73
15-16 when I started researching “why is my mom uniquely scary”.
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#74
When I was 30 years old and pregnant.
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#75
I was 11 when I started suspecting — 13 when it was confirmed. My dad also woke up to what he was defending all those years and was like “how could I be so stupid!”.
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#76
When someone replied to my comment on r/JustNoMIL with a link to this sub. Until then, I wasn’t able to put a name on that thing. I didn’t even realize it was toxic until I read about it here. I just thought there was something wrong with *me*.
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#77
Never even familiar with the concept until seeing Dr. Ramaini’s videos, immediately realized it since they checked all the boxes.
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#78
Every single one especially the chronically ill.
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#79
Never shared anything I enjoyed or requested to do/go anywhere because even if they did the “right thing” and “indulged” my interests, I would get belittled and told how much they don’t like it but “good for you”. Just took the wind out of my sails entirely.
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#80
My default is that I am innately wrong, so therefore everything I do “right” is just a fluke and I shouldn’t get praise for doing well. Also, the physiological feeling of “happiness” that many of my peers describe is more of a “neutral” or “safe” feeling for me. I wish I could have a life goal of wanting to be happy, but I’d settle for safety and comfort.
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#81
Fearful avoidant attachment style. Borderline personality disorder, covert narcissism , chronic depression and anxiety, eating disorders, sleep deprivation, trust issues, the list goes on.
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#82
Disgusted of Nmom’s disgusting carthartic emotional behaviour, she is disgusting.
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#83
Every time I went to a friend’s house and interacted with their parents.
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#84
I started going to therapy and after a few months my therapist basically told me my parents were. I did a quick google and they fit the characteristics perfectly.
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#85
35…
The craziest thing is how neglect can look like nothing but means everything at the same time.
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#86
My 30s after dating my ex and starting therapy. I knew my parents were immature but I didn’t know it was narcissism until I was identifying toxic traits my ex was doing.
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#87
I realized something was wrong when an adult I knew told me to be careful around my mom when I was 5. I suspected something was really wrong in my teen years. It wasn’t until my 20s, I began to understand what narcissistic personality disorder was.
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#88
I was in my fifties before I put the label on it. Until them, the understanding was that mom was complicated and tread lightly.
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#89
When I had my first child at 21. I started comparing how I treat my child vs how I was treated when I was kid and that’s when I felt like something’s wrong with my upbringing.
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#90
When I kept meeting the same dynamic in other relationships. I didn’t understand why I craved something that wasent healthy for me so I started diving into why i unwillingly end up in the same circle again and again.
My respon is no contact. It’s been more successful in romantic relationships but going no contact with my family was tough. I believe it’s the right thing to do and I’m convinced that I will thank myself later.
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#91
I came across the term “martyr mom”
when I was a young teen and for a long time I thought that was what my mom was, just a victim of every scenario. I then thought she was borderline in my late 20s and with the help of my therapist I understood she was actually a narcissist as she didn’t have the Emotional instability of a borderline and she was way more tactic way more self-absorbed way more in search of narcissistic supply consistently so I understood she was a narcissist. After understanding the term deeply and knowing she was never going to change I then (and after a lot of conflict) was able to go no contact a few months ago.
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#92
My mother developed dementia and got committed because she went into psychosis. The doctors kept asking about all the things she wa s bragging about. Her grandiosity even after getting medicated and stabilized. That was just this year. I think deep down I always knew but because everyone kept saying she was just eccentric all my life but I got the cruel version at home.
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