No mother ever wants to see their kids suffering. And it really doesn’t matter how old they are; most moms will gladly give them a place to stay if they’re ever in a rough spot — as long as they also appreciate and respect their parents’ efforts. It’s a two-way street, but one that many well-adjusted people understand.
Unfortunately, that is not always the case, especially in understatedly sensitive situations like today’s story. A woman went on r/AITAH to share the frustrating experience she’s had with her daughter, who was in need of help after leaving a toxic relationship. She ended up losing custody of two of her three children, and after a doctor’s appointment, her third child was nowhere to be found.
And that’s not all. The woman was apparently missing several meetings with her social worker to get her kids back, all to meet with a man she’s been seeing. In this situation, the mother was seeking readers’ advice on whether it would be unfair to kick her daughter out. And this is what they said.
It’s heartbreaking to watch your own kid struggle, but even if you try to help, that effort still isn’t appreciated
pch.vector / Magnific (not the actual photo)
A woman left a toxic relationship and ended up losing custody of her kids, but instead of trying to get them back, she was going out with her new boyfriend
kuprevich / Magnific (not the actual photo)
vh-studio / Magnific (not the actual photo)
The mother could actually lose parental rights for her daughter
In the story, we learn that the woman’s two other kids went on to live with their biological fathers, while the daughter she had from the violent relationship was eventually taken away. According to the grandmother, it has been almost a year since that happened, and that could actually become quite an issue. Under U.S. federal law, specifically the Adoption and Safe Families Act (ASFA), if a child has been in foster care for 15 out of the last 22 months, welfare agencies are generally required to file a petition to terminate parental rights.
Then there’s also the fact that courts rely on caseworkers’ notes regarding attendance. These agencies generally treat family visitation as a primary sign that a parent is committed to maintaining a bond with their children. Consistently missing these scheduled visits and immediately blaming the social worker can result in caseworkers formally documenting parental abandonment and noncompliance with the service plan.
Instead, according to Fictive Kin and Kinship Care protocols, child protective services (CPS) will prioritize placing the child with capable family members — which could well be the grandparents in this story — over foster care. But if the mom still lives with them, CPS might even refuse to give them custody or parental rights, since the mom could be considered an “uncontrolled risk.”
The Yuri Arcurs Collection / Magnific (not the actual photo)
The woman, however, may well be emotionally checked out of her role as a mother
While it may be easy for anyone to tell the woman to prioritize her kids, she may be struggling psychologically. Experts point out that survivors of intimate partner violence will often show intense avoidant coping mechanisms, especially when they’re facing a particularly overwhelming situation — like court requirements. This could explain why she flees to her boyfriend, seeking a familiar dynamic and an immediate distraction.
It also doesn’t necessarily help that, according to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation (CFF), adults with the disease actually experience rates of depression and anxiety that are two to three times higher than those of the general population. Paired with a complex and traumatizing relationship, the woman’s mental health may be plummeting, while the grandmother only sees the surface: a mother prioritizing her new boyfriend instead of her child.
But with all this said, what can the grandmother do? Well, while she may feel like she has to fix and help her 27-year-old daughter’s lifestyle in order to prevent her granddaughter from being placed in foster care, she ought to prioritize the child. After all, it’s unlikely that CPS would approve her home if the parent who lost custody still lives there; therefore, they must have a stable and safe home for the child — which is the utmost priority.
Readers agreed that the narrator should prioritize the granddaughter’s well-being instead
Follow Us
