Someday, when all my kids have grown up and become serious adults, I’ll sit down at my laptop and write a whole book from the memories I’ve saved of how their strange phrases or unusual responses to rather obvious questions left me, my wife, or other adults, totally stunned.
I’ll compile this book, but I won’t publish it. Simply because who knows, maybe they’ll be offended at me for revealing their little, long-held secrets. Then, in my old age, we’ll read it together and laugh together. However, other parents and adults still think there’s nothing wrong with stories about their children’s involuntary wit, so they can take it online.
#1
A close friend of mine has a young daughter named Maya. When Maya was about 4 years old she had a tendency to comment people around her out loud to her mother.
My friend then told her that it was better that, if she had any comments or questions about other people, to take it up when the two were alone.
A few days later they were sitting on a bus and in walks a very obese woman. Maya eyed the woman suspiciously and then pointed at her:
“Mum. We’re going to talk about her later”.
Image source: viramola, Sweet Life
#2
I heard a father talking to some small children, asking them if they were ready for Santa to visit their house. He asked them if they were going to leave anything out for Santa (thinking they would respond with milk & cookies). One little boy spoke up and said, “Yea, Santa’s getting chips & beer!!”.
Image source: grace-mercy, Bohdan Stocek
#3
My 5-year-old son had just finished his swimming lesson and approached my wife, who was talking to one of the other moms.
“Why are you talking to her? I thought you said she’s a jerk!”
Wife mortified, with no idea why he said that. She hadn’t criticized any of the other moms in any way.
Image source: Scrappy_Larue, KaroGraphix Photography
This collection of witty phrases, children’s reactions, and totally unexpected comebacks was inspired by a long-running thread on AskReddit, where the topic starter addressed netizens: “As a dad, I’ve learned nothing good starts with ‘Guess what your son said.’ So, what are some funny things you’ve heard kids say?”
Let’s start with what one wise movie director once said: “Kids and animals cannot be outdone in the frame, because they don’t actually act, they just live in the frame.” Our topic today isn’t related to movies, but this phrase explains well why young children are sometimes prone to roasting adults with a single phrase, and even causing utter embarrassment.
#4
I gave my son a timeout from swords, light sabers, and (Thor) hammers due to him being too violent/aggressive. After about 10 minutes of quiet, I went to check on him and found him building w/ his Legos.
After I told him that I was proud of him for listening, I asked him what he was building. He told me he was building an ultimate Lego weapon so that he could destroy me.
I think he may have missed the point, but at least he’s persistent.
Image source: Stumplahoma, freepik
#5
So a friend has a 4 yr old and when he was 2-3 we were both trying to teach him about gender (boy vs girl). We were asking him “are you a boy or a girl?” and he got very quiet, thought for a full minute, then in a very confident voice “I am a MAN!”.
Image source: anon, Alex Gallegos
#6
While driving on the interstate with my 2.5 year old in the back seat: “Any idiots out today, dad?”
Edit: Forgot this; my wife was in the elevator with my son at work once, and a Sikh with a thick beard got on. My son pointed at him and said “wolfman.”.
Image source: RagingDangler, ASphotofamily
The point is that children – especially young children – are still completely spontaneous in their communication. Their brains haven’t yet acquired the numerous social filters that are automatically activated in adults.
They often call things by their proper names, without excessive politeness or euphemisms. And sometimes, you’ll perhaps agree, they can even be cruel in their brutal honesty.
#7
Not my son, but when I was a little kid, I had to pee in a cup at the doctor’s office. It was my fist time doing it, so my mom helped me. After I peed into it, I said to her, “I don’t have to drink it, do I?”.
Image source: bigpuffy, bearfotos
#8
My wife and 5 year old were in the car, when another car cut them off. My wife hit the brakes, but didn’t say anything. My son said, “mom you forgot to call him a jerk”.
Edit: Breaks = Brakes.
Image source: Pavilioni, freepik
#9
I was playing soccer with my 7 year old nephew. I kick the ball toward him and hit him square in the privates. He hit the ground and said “JERK You hit me right in the bean bag!”.
I fell on the ground crying from laughter, one of the funniest things I ever heard.
Image source: dumpj, Baylee Gramling
Interestingly, such phrases, assessments, and reactions from little kids are not a social blunder at all, but a normal part of learning about the world. This dedicated article, published on the University of Washington News website, rightly notes that children are excellent at recognizing and “reading” adults’ reactions, so they learn from their reactions to their own words.
No, if you’ve been told something unflattering, and the person you’re talking to is only a couple of years old, don’t be offended or react aggressively. A kid is acutely aware of the emotions their words evoke in you and will likely remember them, unconsciously trying to learn a life lesson from this experience.
Incidentally, such skills are observed in children as early as 24 months, as noted in this article at the American Psychological Association. Their social understanding is still developing, and their control over speech and awareness of the appropriateness of their words are still weak. But they learn quickly and can avoid repeating their mistakes.
#10
My son when he was 6: “Dad, can we get a cat?” Me: “Your Mom is allergic to cats, so no”. My Son:”When Mom is gone, can we get a cat?” Me:”Sure”.
Image source: Bob_N_Frapples, Ivan Lopatin
#11
When my daughter was around 3 years old, we were visiting my sister. On Sunday we dressed her up in a cute little denim skirt for her church outfit. It was the first time she’s worn this skirt. The church was a rather small one and the kids were with us for the whole service. During one of the “Silent Prayer” times, my daughter discovered her cute little jean skirts and proclaimed (VERY loudly)….. “POCKETS!!!! I have POCKETS!!!!” You could hear hushed little chuckles all around :).
Image source: SandysSpot, prostooleh
#12
My son just turned two and is barely saying complete words. On Halloween we took him trick-or-treating and when someone would hold out their hand with candy, he would inspect it and if he didn’t care for what the candy was, he would look up and say ” no thank you” and then start towards the next house. It was hilarious.
Image source: TX_RocketMan, rawpixel.com
On the other hand, the ancient sages who said that truth comes from the mouth of a baby were not far from the truth. For example, the authors of this article at The Conversation point out that children are often keenly aware of adults’ limitations, so dialogue with a kid, provided the adult responds appropriately, can be incredibly beneficial for them.
Indeed, who better than a toddler can honestly, without any lies or flattery, point out all our shortcomings? After all, Hans Christian Andersen’s famous fairy tale rightly points out that it was the little boy who loudly declared that the king was actually naked, and not wearing incredibly lavish “invisible clothing,” as all the courtiers had told him…
#13
Son and I are playing catch. I have a terrible throw that sails over his head. I say, “Sorry, that was a bad throw.” He stops, gives me a kind look and says, “No daddy, that was a *wonderful* throw.” Then takes 2 steps towards getting the ball. He stops again, turns back around and says, “When we say something nice, even when we don’t mean it at all, that’s called being polite, right?”.
Image source: omgwtfbob, drobotdean
#14
I was walking with my brother and his son, who was about 7 years old. My brother and I were talking about tattoos, I don’t remember what was said, but my brother commented, “I’d like to see a tattoo of that.” Always quick with his wit, my nephew yelled out, “I’d like to see a tattoo of you shutting up!”.
Image source: frescani, freepik
#15
My girlfriend was in the pediatrician’s office with her five year old son for a routine checkup. A nurse glanced at his chart and announced that he was overdue for a particular shot. When the nurse left the room, the little boy threw himself back upon the examination table and stage-whispered, in a wavering voice, “Do you have any idea….(pause for drama)…what I’ve been through?”.
Image source: standard_baby, freepik
You know, my youngest son turned five today, and he’s often told me honest things that no one else would say – not even older children, who have already absorbed all sorts of social norms. So I view my interactions with him as a mirror – honest, cheerful, and truthful. And I do encourage you all to do the same.
But not before you’ve read these several dozen stories, and perhaps shared your own similar experiences and children’s witty, wise, and honest comments below this post.
#16
I was on the phone with my wife discussing dinner plans and my 7 year old informed us that ‘salad is ruining my life.’.
Image source: ghardien, gpointstudio
#17
My dad has told me that when I was really young, he told me once “I don’t ever want to see you do that again.”, and i responded with “okay close your eyes”.
Image source: kingplayer, freepik
#18
My father was driving with my niece in the back. At one point she said “how old are you grandad?”. “59”, he replied. “Oh, so next year you’ll be 60?”, “Yes.”, “And after that, you’ll be gone”. Then she just kinda shrugged her shoulders and looked out of the window.
Image source: crundy, user18526052
#19
My cousin’s daughter’s response to “I love you”, was “I love me too” for the longest time.
Image source: strangethoughts, prostooleh
#20
Overheard in a first grade classroom:
“Well when *my* Mom and Dad practice wrestling I get to eat a whole bowl of ice cream and watch whatever movie I want!!!”
That was a fun one!
Image source: DoubleWhammyN321, bearfotos
#21
My 4 yearl old is currently singing a song he made up himself. He only has a chorus that goes ” You can’t soooooolve Mississippi’s problems”.
Image source: TCBinaflash, Justin Wilkens
#22
While waiting for heavy traffic to clear, I hear from the back seat, my three year old: “Darn cars. What are all these darn cars doing here?”
He sounded pretty pissed off.
Image source: franzyfunny, Daisy D
#23
My 4 year old niece was asleep on the sofa, I picked her up to take her up to her bed. Just as I lifted my foot up on to the first step she lifted her head from my shoulder shouted in a really deep voice (I didn’t think it was possible for a 4 year old girl to make this noise) “PREPARE TO BE GONE” and then started clawing/biting at my face, then laughed manically, jumped out of my arms and ran up to bed.
I still “what the hell” about it now.
Image source: anon, pvproductions
#24
I was belittling my son (who was 16 or so at the time) for spending his entire summer vacation plopped down on the couch… when I suggested he go outside and find something to do he said “But it’s dangerous outside… that’s where World War Two happened.”
Can’t really argue with that logic.
**EDIT**: Maybe “belittling” wasn’t the best term to use. In my family sarcastic ribbing is the norm, and trust me, he gives as good as he gets.
**EDIT 2**: Yes, I get it. I should have said “berating” and not “belittling”. Schematics aside, it was a darn funny response.
Image source: admiraljohn, freepik
#25
When my nephew was in kindergarten, six or seven years old, he pulled his pants pockets inside out and told the teacher to kiss the rabbit between the ears. I swear I have no idea where he learned this.
Image source: bucketofrust, freepik
#26
This morning, my wife told my 3 year old daughter that owls were nocturnal. My daughter responded “Yes, owls are not turtles.”.
Image source: RPskin45, Wexor Tmg
#27
When my daughter was 3-4, she once came into the bedroom quite pissed off. She said, “Mommy’s turning stupid.” I walked into the kitchen to find my wife with a glass of wine.
Image source: hosey, Getty Images
#28
My daughter has dropped the f word before. The one time her dad was coming out of the bathroom after a shower and he said “what the”, she says “f”, daddy. You forgot the f word”. Another time I was in the car with my sister in-law and daughter. She was singing Old McDonald had a cheeseburger, one of her many made up songs, and sang “Old McDonald had an f cheeseburger”. I was mortified. Edit: Grammar and spelling of grammar.
Image source: chelzabo, Curated Lifestyle
#29
My 3 year old son has been watching a lot of Looney Tunes and he likes Daffy Duck. Now instead of saying good-bye like a normal kid, he says “So long fools.”
We are so proud.
Image source: joecarst, Emre Turkan
#30
Kids(4 & 3) & I sitting around putting Thomas the Train pieces together. Our track was almost complete but we ended up /w 2 female pieces where the track should join. My daughter the oldest says, “we need a double male piece Dad…”
I had to just walk away.
Image source: anon, David Trinks
#31
Wife: Put your books away.
Son: But these books are so big, and I’m so small.
Wife: Yes, I know.
Son: YOU DON’T KNOW!
Image source: baglinex
#32
When I was 4, I sat in a box in the kitchen and picked up a biscuit tin lid, and proceeded to pretend to drive. I looked at my mother and proclaimed “Look Mummy, I’m you!”, then screamed “BEEP BEEP!”.
Also my very first word was a bad word copied right after my Dad was having a hard time with some papers.
Image source: wellboiledicycle
#33
My four year old son was in the bathroom with the door closed.
I knocked and said, “What’s going on in there?”
His reply, “Nothing, it’s just me and my privates.”.
Image source: jfrizzera
#34
My 4th grade son told me he heard a joke at school and didn’t get it. He is in middle so there are up to 8th graders there. He asked in front of a new buddy of mine. I asked him to tell the joke.
“What comes after 69?”
I said, “70.”
He said, “No, mouthwash.”.
Image source: I_can-confirm_this
#35
My little cousin couldn’t say vacuum cleaner. He said “f you cleaner”.
Image source: anon
#36
My little sister was at the doctor’s office for her annual check up–she had to be somewhere around 3. The nurse was asking all the standard coordination type questions–touch your nose, put your hands up, jump, etc. Being a healthy capable little devil, she’s doing everything fine. Then, the nurse says, “stand on one foot.” My little sister looks at the nurse, looks down, and hesitates. Then she walks over and stands on one of the nurse’s feet.
Image source: amandalibre
#37
On the potty seat: My poo is coming. It’s packing its suitcase!
Image source: sunjim
#38
Three years old:
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“F U.”
“What did you say?!?”
“… F U?…”
“That’s not a nice word.”
“Oh, OK. Sorry.”.
Image source: shakamalaka
#39
My daughter’s first word other than the exploring of ‘ma ma’ and ‘da da’ was “me.”
I’d just given her a bath and dressed her in a flowery dress with a headband and shoes to match. My aunts descend on her cooing, “Who’s so pretty?”
“Me.”
Well alright you vain little tart. You’re so pretty.
Image source: Scoot_Puffington
#40
Not necessarily funny but creepy. I once got home from work, and my 3 year old daughter climbs on my lap and whispers in my ear “I want to eat your face, I want to wear your skin”.
Image source: NakedChoker
Follow Us
