From the moment you come into this world, there is this thing that happens around you that can sometimes be delightful but at times drives you crazy or leaves you completely baffled. You know, life. And if you find yourself in the middle of an experience that leaves you with more questions than answers, it’s absolutely okay to ask for advice.
Did you know that giving good advice is actually as much of an art (or science) as any other job? It’s not only about knowing things but also being able to find the right words of advice. But on the other hand, even after you have received the best piece of advice possible, it doesn’t automatically imply you are obliged to follow it.
It doesn’t matter how experienced the person giving advice is or how well they know you; if whatever they say you should do doesn’t sit right with you, you probably should follow your gut. And don’t even get me started on people who think they are authorized to share their life wisdom with you “just because,” even though the words “I need advice” have never left your lips.
Advice doesn’t always have to be serious or life-changing. Sometimes funny life advice about random situations is the best thing you need. There are a lot of unexpected things in life, and advice that not only makes you chuckle, but all of a sudden comes in handy is surely useful.
For this article, we have collected a bunch of funny quotes about life and pieces of advice for all sorts of situations. Which one do you find the most useful? If you have any funny words of wisdom to add to this collection, share them with us in the comments.
#1 Surviving with style and a fork
Carry a fork with you. If someone tries to rob you, pull it out of your pocket and say, ‘thank you Lord for this meal I’m about to have’ and charge at them with the fork.
#2 Fish you were kidding me
If you teach a man to fish, you feed him for one day. If you feed him to the fishes then he’ll never be hungry again.
#3 Masters of the nope game
Trust dogs. They always know who to stay away from.
#4 Nighttime prankster vibes only
If you hear weird noises in the night, simply make weirder noises to assert dominance.
#5 Not Your Dream Bathroom Break
If you find a toilet in your dream, don’t use it.
#6 Whispering Threats Hit Different
Don’t yell at your kids, lean in close and whisper, it’s much scarier.
#7 Rent’s covered, just not the way you want
If you attempt to rob a bank, you will have no trouble with rent or bills for the next ten years, whether you are successful or not.
#8 Instant Kid Magnet, Just Add Wi-Fi Cutoff
If you don’t know where your kids are in the house, turn off the internet and watch them magically appear.
#9 This Wisdom Hits Different
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
#10 Plot twist: something’s definitely up
If your kids suddenly start getting along and are nice to each other for no reason, be very suspicious.
#11 Why Your Hands Are Lying About That Scent
No matter how nice the hand soap smells, don’t leave the restroom smelling your fingers.
#12 When life gives you lemons, aim better
If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a water gun and shoot other people in the eyes.
#13 Guess the future’s cool with this one
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it, then how bad of a decision can it really be?
#14 Mood: savage and stuffed
Eat whatever you want, and if someone calls you fat, eat them too.
#15 Not Rooted, Just Renting
If you are not happy where you are, move. You are not a tree.
#16 Wait, what did I just forget?
Drinking can cause memory loss, or even worse, memory loss.
#17 Bet on the quiet fixers
Ladies, if a man says he’ll fix something, he will. There’s no point in telling him about it every six months.
#18 Turns out, sharks hate squad goals
If you swim with a friend, your chances of getting eaten by a shark will drop by 50%.
#19 When Logic Takes a Coffee Break
If you can’t blind them with brilliance, baffle them with nonsense.
#20 Well, that escalated quickly
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You only need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
#21 Smart Cereal Stealing Prevention
Marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you so they won’t eat all of yours.
#22 Goals? Nah, I’m napping instead
Don’t give up your dreams, keep on sleeping.
#23 Glow up, but make it cozy
Be a Caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep a lot. Wake up beautiful.
#24 Holding hands, but make it budget-friendly
Don’t let go of your wife’s hand at the mall, because she will start shopping. It might look romantic, but it’s actually economic.
#25 Instant excuse level: expert
If you ever get caught sleeping on the job, slowly raise the head and say in Jesus name, Amen.
#26 Priorities, people!
In case of fire, exit the building before tweeting about it.
#27 Instant Life Lesson: Avoid Double Breaks
If you break your bone in two places, don’t go to those places again.
#28 Eggs, but Make It Dessert
Eggs are good for your health. But sometimes we get fed up with them. Add some butter, chocolate, sugar, flour, and then bake. Now it’s not so boring to eat them every day.
#29 Instant Escape Plan Activated
When you fart in public, yell “Jet power!” and walk faster.
#30 Procrastination’s Sneaky Perk
If you wait until the last minute to do it, it only takes a minute to do.
#31 Ruining Bops Since Morning
Never use your favorite song as an alarm. You’ll start to hate it.
#32 Stop the dramatic pauses already
Writing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Any. Stronger.
#33 Not Your Angel-Making Zone
Don’t make snow angels in a dog park.
#34 Majestic Vibes Only
Do not think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a majestic baboon.
#35 When a Brick Buys You Candy
For $1, you can buy a candy bar from a vending machine. For $2, you can buy a brick, and get all the candy in the vending machine.
#36 When in doubt, sue it out
The best defense against somebody videotaping you is to blast a song by an artist that is serious about copyright infringement.
#37 Sad? Nah, That’s Just Das
Don’t be sad, because sad backward is das and das not good.
#38 This is peak multitasking
Put a teabag in your whiskey, so you can day drink without being judged.
#39 Dad Logic 101
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
#40 The pasta bath hack you didn’t know you needed
Pro parenting tip: only have spaghetti on bath nights.
#41 Cold hands, worse decisions
Never walk on the ice with your hands in your pockets.
#42 Instant Regret: The Sneezing Contract
The first time your toddler sneezes in your face, even if it is super funny when it happens, do not laugh. You will be sentencing yourself to years of purposeful in-your-face sneezes.
#43 Blink twice if you’re in on this
If your dog blinks at you blink back. It could be a code.
#44 Sorry, that’s on them not you
Don’t be ashamed of yourself — that’s a job for your parents.
#45 Bowl Licking Isn’t A Personality Trait
Don’t lick the bowl, flush it like a normal person.
#46 Therapy, but make it terrible
Listen to really bad music when going through something terrible in your life. If you listen to music you love, it will become a constant reminder of bad times.
#47 Senior dating sites are a hard pass
If you’re in 12th grade, do not join senior dating sites.
#48 Smart enough to doubt yourself
Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘would an idiot do that?’ if they would, I do not do that thing.
#49 Nothing says passive-aggressive like air quotes
When you want to annoy someone at work, use air quotes when addressing their work title.
#50 Not how physics works, Karen
Oil floats on water, so cover yourself in oil, wait for it to rain, and fly.
#51 Peak Self-Preservation Logic
If you’re being chased, give the person who’s chasing you a pair of scissors because you can’t run with scissors.
#52 Wish smarter, not harder
If you can’t wish for more wishes, then wish for more genies.
#53 Trust your toes first
Never test the depth of a river with both feet.
#54 Procrastinators, Rejoice!
The early bird may catch the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
#55 Stealing Punchlines Since Forever
Never joke with a kleptomaniac, they will take it, literally.
#56 Parenting Level: Expert Drama Queen
When your kids start crying, start bawling bigger and better. Soon, they will stop crying & turn their concerns to your welfare.
#57 Brighter Than Your Phone, Trust Me
No flashlight on your phone? Take a photo of the sun, and use it in the dark.
#58 Think bigger, win her heart
If she asks for four chicken nuggets, buy ten. This is how you get and keep a girlfriend.
#59 Broke but Still Trippin’
If you can’t afford virtual reality headsets, you can close your eyes and imagine everything you want.
#60 Strategy: Mastering the Art of Deterrence
If you don’t want someone to ask you to do something again, do it terribly the first time.
#61 Life Advice from My Dog
Treat every problem as your dog would. If you can’t eat it, walk away.
#62 The Ultimate Gift Hack
It’s the thought that counts… so don’t buy birthday presents, just think about buying them.
#63 If They Can’t Heal a Plant, Good Luck
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
#64 Pumpkin Picking: Brutally Honest Edition
Take your kids to a pumpkin patch and let them pick out any pumpkin. Then, make them carry it to the car. They’ll never want to go back there again.
#65 Waiting for a reply like it’s dial-up internet
Don’t worry if a person hasn’t texted you back. Most people only check their phone every three seconds.
#66 When bad choices team up
Never break two laws at the same time because that’s how you get caught.
#67 Abs or nah, still delicious
Just because waffles are pancakes with abs doesn’t mean eating them gives you abs.
#68 Fake it ‘til the dishes look done
Is your sink full of dirty utensils? Put some clean dishes in the draining rack! Now it looks like you’re working on it.
#69 The Most Honest Excuse Yet
If you’re late, just say, “Sorry I’m late, I was at home sitting down.”
#70 Welcome to Life’s Bird Droppings Club
There will come a day when you get pooped on. Just know that it is going to happen and there’s nothing you can do about it.
#71 Plotting my snack heist already
Count your eggs before they hatch. That way you’ll know if someone steals one of them.
#72 Clocking time with zero effort
If you ever want to know the time but don’t have a watch, use your phone as a sun dial. Always works.
#73 Hangry Choices Are Real
Don’t make decisions without eating first.
#74 Mom’s hotline always open
When in doubt, always ask your mother.
#75 Accidental Accuracy Is Still Accuracy
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
#76 Happiness Doesn’t Do GPS
Don’t follow what you think is the right way; make your way to what you think is happiness.
#77 Cold roads call for southern grandma energy
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
#78 Procrastinating regret never pays off
If you’re drinking to forget, pay in advance.
#79 Pro Moves Only
Don’t squat with your spurs on.
#80 Instant Mic Drop Energy
If any person tries to hurt you, tell them I have a gun, a shovel, and an alibi.
#81 Cold water, hot convenience
Fed up with boiling water each evening? Heat 340 fl oz (10 liters), and freeze for future use.
#82 When life freezes your ice supply
No ice for drinks? Use frozen vegetables.
#83 Plot twist: boredom is a vibe killer
Only boring people say they’re bored.
#84 Bribing cops with wiper ballet moves
If you leave your wipers up, an officer won’t be able to leave a fine. Your money will be saved.
#85 Breakfast? More like break-ouch!
It’s very expensive to eat 3 times a day. Wake up later, miss breakfast, and save money.
#86 Patience is a lost art
If you stare at something you dropped on the ground, eventually someone will pick it up for you.
#87 Self-Defense, But Make It Sticky
Fill your heart with bees, then if someone breaks your heart, they’ll have to deal with the bees.
#88 Classic “Not My Fault” Energy
If you do something bad, make sure there’s someone else around to blame.
#89 Yeah, That’s Not How Submarines Work
Don’t open the window when in a submarine.
#90 Time to eavesdrop on your feels
Buy a stethoscope, so you can listen to your heart.
#91 The Classic Shift From Bad Day to Bad Night
Having a bad day? No worries! Wear sunglasses. Now you’re having a bad evening.
#92 Who’s playing breakfast backwards?
Never trust someone who puts in the milk, then the cereal.
#93 When your nightmares want a social life too
If the monster comes out of the closet tonight, say hi for me then go back to sleep.
#94 Mastering the art of subtle laziness
Never do a whole job when a half job will do.
#95 Surprisingly Low-Key Life Advice
Treat your father-in-law like your own dad. You’ll miss him when he’s gone.
#96 Classic Cat Excuse Energy
Blame the cat.
#97 Waterworks for the W win
The one who cries the hardest wins the argument.
#98 Plot Twist: Forgot My Own Name
Remember your name, you’ll need it.
#99 Not All Flyers Make a Comeback
A frisbee is NOT a boomerang.
#100 Mom’s the only exception… maybe
Don’t talk to anybody on the train, except for your mom. Well, maybe it would be best to ignore her too.
#101 Why wait? Just ask already
Healthy people ask for what they need and want.
#102 Because horses hate surprises too
Mount from both sides so the horse becomes used to change.
#103 Feet, not free-range chickens
Keep your toes on your feet.
#104 Math, but make it satisfyingly odd
If you cut the tennis balls in half, you can fit 6 in a container.
#105 Fashion sabotage or just daily entertainment?
When wearing boots, always wear different color socks. When your boots come off, it will be funny and you’ll always have something to talk about.
#106 Desperate times call for fresh seats
If you are trying to get lucky, keep changing chairs. There’s bound to be chewing gum under one of them.
#107 Counting coins like it’s a flex
Never date a person who pays their rent in one’s.
#108 Stealth Mode: Activated
Don’t buy a bikini. Instead, get a size XXXL men’s shirt. That way, people won’t notice you.
#109 Breakfast or broke, your call
If you sleep until lunchtime, you can save your breakfast money.
#110 Multitasking Level: Expert
There is never enough time in the morning. Try to combine brushing your teeth with your breakfast.
#111 Bald? Time to get creative
No hair? Draw it! Or get a tattoo.
#112 Lower the hype, save your sanity
Avoid travel teams unless your child is a once-in-a-generation talent… and your child is not a once-in-a-generation talent.
#113 When Toothpaste Saves Your Nails
A 3-colored manicure isn’t so difficult if you have toothpaste.
#114 When in doubt, just upgrade the pen game
If your tires are too old, refresh them with a marker.
#115 Lazy hack or spicy mess?
If you’re too lazy to wash your cup, use a pepper.
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