First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes junior in a baby carriage… Even as little girls, many of us (especially the older generation) were taught that the ultimate goal in life is to find our Prince Charming, get engaged, get married, have babies and live happily ever after. Often, all before the age of 30…
But more and more people are calling BS on the outdated idea of “holy matrimony.” They’re questioning whether it has any perks for women nowadays. Especially in an age when so many of us are financially independent, building careers, buying cars and property, keeping our last names, and raising kids – sometimes without a spouse in sight. What’s really in it for us?
One wife recently confessed that she secretly wishes her conservative husband would catch the eye of a “young, hot thing” in church so that she could leave her 22-year marriage “guilt-free.” The woman poured her heart out and said she’s been grappling with what “happily ever after” actually means.
When she asked others, “Is there any real benefit in marriage for women?” the internet went wild. Married, divorced and single women didn’t hold back their raw and unfiltered thoughts. Some shared personal stories, others had pearls of wisdom, and a few spat out a barrage of harsh words.
Bored Panda has put together a list of the best responses for you to scroll through while you ponder your own life choices. Upvote your favorites and feel free to share your thoughts in the comments section below.
Image credits: clumsygirl1113
#1
No. Marriage is set up to benefit men only. If it was to benefit women there wouldn’t be such a thing as marriage.
Single women live longer happier safer and healthier lives. I would do it now and do it quietly. You’ll not regret it. You’ll find that once you’ve left you’ll see your work load in the home decrease drastically. Also the mental load. I wish you all the best.
savagefleurdelis23:
I saw this at age 14. I kept thinking there has got to me more to life than marriage and a man. I was a naturally very independent child and wanted to keep my independence so I went after a high earning career (Finance.) I make 4x what most people make and some years even more. I have amazing friends, an amazing village I’ve built over the years, people who pour into my cup daily. My life is full, adventurous, plenty of super close connections, support, and love. Marriage is completely useless for someone like me.
I’m proud to say I’ve not done any dudes dishes or laundry. I’ve certainly lived with a “partner” but I refuse to enable so I won’t pick up after him. The dishes can stay in the sink for weeks cause f**k that noise. I am nobody’s mommy.
I can confirm being single is the best and most happy I’ve ever been in my life. And as I get older I get happier. I have men friends but I don’t date. I refuse to subject myself to that hell. Single is best for competent women.
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#2
Marriage benefits breadwinner women even less. The wealth sharing rules around marriage were meant to protect women who didn’t earn money but who took care of the home. For most of us, we still take care of the home and the man benefits from both our money and our service.
This is why I’m not married.
Throwaway_hoarder_:
Plus of course resentment by the lower earning man is so common. It’s ridiculous that men get to assume their dating pool will widen the more they earn, and women fear it will shrink, and often they’ll have tk do extra work downplaying their success to assuage his ego.
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#3
I’m noticing that often posts wondering “is there any point to marriage” are really more “I married a jerk”.
So no, there’s no point and no benefit to being married if one married a bad man. That’s not really a problem with marriage in itself though, it’s a problem with the man you chose as your husband.
CanthinMinna:
That is not the problem. There are a lot of men who drop their masks after they have “trapped” the woman, in marriage or with children. Men often show their real personalities after they think that the woman can’t leave. It is not only in the USA – plenty of Finnish discussion forums have women telling how after a year or two their husbands suddenly regress into a completely helpless state, or how slowly all the housework starts to pile on the women (men execute weaponized incompetence easily).
Women do not choose cr**py men. Women choose men who hide their cr**piness until the honeymoon is over.
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#4
So he believes he is the “head of the house” but you worked two jobs to get him through school and have always been the bread winner. Hmmmmmmmmmmm.
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#5
I’m in a similar position to you. Currently trying to decide what path I want to go down when it comes to my marriage of almost 19 years. I’m convinced marriage should be a short-term contract. Once the contract is up, the parties can choose to renew, change the terms, or just end the contract.
Dogzillas_Mom:
I’ve developed the short term contract idea for years. Love it. Initial contract should be three years. Children are negotiated before the contract is executed. Also, all financials and who owns what. Basically, a very thorough prenup. There will be two one-year optional renewals. After year five, renew, renegotiate or just end it.
The perfect partner for me at 20 is a completely and totally different person than the right partner for me at 30 or 40. The idea of lifetime marriage is based on religion and was really about inheritance, assuring your estate goes to your rightful heirs.
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#6
Idk, sounds like you married someone who was never a real partner and you just accepted because “that’s what marriage is like”.
I’ve been married for 13 years and I love being married, love sharing my life with my best friend and lover. And we very much share responsibilities in every level (even if in certain areas one might take the lead).
notkeepinguponthis:
This. When I see posts about marriage being the problem I then look at the details of the post and clearly see sh**ty partners leading people to believe all marriages are bad. A marriage can be a bad deal, and it sounds like this one is. But that doesn’t mean they are all a bad deal.
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#7
My mom’s plan was to retire, and then move to the west coast to be close to her grandkids (and kids.) She told my dad he was welcome to come with her, but he made it very clear he was never moving anywhere. So she was going to leave him behind and happily live her best life without him. We were so proud of her.
Unfortunately, she got cancer and passed before she could make her move. She worked her whole life waiting to be free and do what she wanted, and she never got to do it. Life is short, you should live it for yourself.
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#8
I think we are at a strange point in history where society expects women to handle all the admin, mental load and emotional labor because that’s how it worked in our grandparents’ houses—even though we now earn at least half the money. It’s ridiculous, but it’s because in order to convince men to let us work and vote, our mothers had to tell them they wouldn’t have to give anything up. So they didn’t.
I think it’s pretty common to get extra frustrated with this inequity as perimenopause hits and the hormones that make us want to cuddle and care for our people decline.
Once the kids are gone, it may become less stressful. And maybe you and your hubby can find time to try to connect more. I would try to talk to him and get couples therapy before throwing in the towel. But you’re not wrong to feel the way you do. And especially with his patriarchal BS you might well be happier alone.
But in the meantime, maybe try to start taking more time for yourself and asking others to do just a bit more for themselves. Do something on your own once a week; take yourself on a weekend getaway. It will make the transition less scary if you end up leaving.
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#9
I like my husband and enjoy his company and affection.
I don’t carry the mental load. We split it. If anything he takes more of it because he works from home most days. He does all the school stuff or we go together but he is the point of contact. We go to most kid doctor appointments together or he goes alone with them since I work weird hours. I have a chronic illness and he’s really been a huge help. I do the cooking and he does the laundry. That sort of thing.
I think the key is having a partner where things are split in an equitable way. We’ve been together 25 years and it wasn’t always this way. When I was a sahm I did everything and it was a huge burden. I couldn’t live like that and we almost got divorced, but did counseling and got on the same page.
For me the benefit is companionship and security that if we split I won’t be hung out to dry. Dating is awful these days, judging by my single friends.
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#10
I think the benefit a woman gets from marriage strongly depends on the man she is married to. Lots of marriages do end once the children are grown. You may find, though, that when it is just the two of you, you reconnect in ways you haven’t since before you started a family. I got married at 19, but we focused on education and careers so didn’t have our first child until 8 years later. When we became empty nesters, we were right back to traveling and exploring hobbies together. It has been wonderful!
lastpickedforteam:
Exactly. I guess I’m a rare bird, i married my best friend. We’re married 36 years and still in love. We’ve gone thru some rough times but we both wanted the marriage to work .I don’t know how I got so lucky.
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#11
One benefit of marriage for either gender is if something befalls you or your husband, you’re first in line as a health directive unless stated otherwise.
I say it’s a benefit because plenty of people who were in a relationship with someone for ages… but unmarried, end up comatose or unable to respond. But since they weren’t officially married, their next of kin gets to decide what happens to them, instead of the partner they dated and lived with for over a decade.
Edited to add: marriage can also make you eligible for FMLA if your spouse becomes sick. I don’t think you’re eligible if you are unmarried. That’s one thing a living will or healthcare directive won’t cover.
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#12
73F here. I saw no real benefit. I gave way more than I received while being bossed around. It is a cultural thing, it was expected that hubby had the last word. It was certainly not all bad though but I would not do it again. I am single now (widow) and happier than ever. No more compromise !
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#13
If it benefited women, it would be illegal.
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#14
I am married to a great man and we don’t have kids, and because of this thing I live a very soft life. My husband adores me and buys me a bunch of stuff for the house lol. I also work and we live very comfortably.
Marriage was definitely beneficial for me.
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#15
We got married before marriage equality was a thing. We considered not marrying, because it didn’t seem fair. We were considering waiting for marriage equality before marrying ourselves.
We decided to go for it because I was choosing a career in public service, and he was going into medicine, so our salaries would be highly mismatched. We wanted, in the event of the relationship breaking down, for me to have legal and financial protections.
We have been married 26 years now. He makes $300k a year, and I make $80k. My entire salary goes into retirement and savings. We have a great life, and expect to be together forever. If he were to die, I would get his pension and social security.
Legal marriage has been a huge benefit. We are equal partners in household administration/chores and parenting. But I see the emotional labor part of it to be completely unrelated to the legal aspect. I would not be in a relationship that wasn’t equal in that sense, married or not.
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#16
As a perpetually single women (by choice) – this has been my feeling since I was very young – that marriage has very little, if any, benefit to me. I don’t hate men – but unless/until someone comes into my life that adds to it instead of chipping little bits of me away – I see no value to it (esp. as I don’t want children). I make my money, my house is how i want it, i take the trips I want, etc. and it’s not perfect – there are times I feel left out or a little lonely but that’s maybe 5% of the time.
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#17
I d like to offer a different perspective.
I am 50 single and never been married. I am desperately unhappy. I am so tired of being single and alone. I would give my left arm to be married. To have someone to talk to, to do things with, to cuddle with. Someone to love and love you.
People who have been married always say it isn’t worth it that you don’t need to be married to be happy. But they haven’t lived the long term pain of being single. Being single long term is horrific.
People say oh just make some friends, it can take the place of it. But it doesn’t, I know.
There are a ton of benefits to marriage, that almost everyone discounts.
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#18
So stop. Pick one small, tiny, to stop doing today. And just see what happens. Then in a week, scale something else back.
My BIGGEST mental victory was last year when I told my husband in the summer that I would not be doing anything for Christmas. And then I didnt.
For context, my mom has been sick for years and I am exhausted. We do not have kids. My family does not celebrate Christmas. For 15 years, I have bought all the gifts for this parents, his sister, our nieces and nephews on his side, plus decorations and everything else. I told him I can’t last year, and then I didnt. And I didnt check up once. He did what he needed to do, and he did it badly and I didnt care. It was so freeing.
But it didn’t start there. It started with laundry years ago. I do my clothes and sheets and towels. He does his own clothes. Pathetic that he cant think to wash towels. So…. I stopped washing just his bath towel a couple years ago. Just his. I throw my towels in with my clothes. I don’t know if his towel gets washed. Ever. It snowballs from there. Give it a try and see where you end up. .
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#19
If you have a decent husband, it makes life far easier to help with chores, and the economic security that comes with 2 incomes.
If you don’t have a decent husband, it becomes a net negative and a drain, and it’s better to find intentional family instead.
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#20
I was married.
I’m now single and 16 weeks pregnant through IVF and happier than I’ve ever been.
I’ve personally found exponentially more value and benefit from being unmarried.
You have this one life and we’re halfway through it. Live it how best brings you joy.
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#21
I don’t have any answers, I just wanted you to know you aren’t alone. Sometimes I feel like the odds are a bit stacked against love for smart women. Men have long been socially trained that keeping a relationship intact means being *needed* in some way. Even if that historically was just, “I’m keeping you from living in poverty so you need to put out,” and that wasn’t great for women.
Too many men have just not transitioned well to a world where most women don’t *need* help surviving but they *want* help to build a family and future. Somehow that isn’t translating for men, and the lack of true need is making them unmotivated, leaving women stuck with men that aren’t that bad but really aren’t that great either. Life without them feels different but not that daunting.
I’ve been in the exact same boat lately, if that makes you feel any better. Best case scenario feels like my husband cheats on me, and I can get out of this blahness without the guilt and social stigma, and go live a happy quiet life alone in a little place near the ocean. It’s strange to catch myself fantasizing in that way.
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#22
I have marveled at the ability of some of these women who have told their stories to tolerate what they tolerate in order to remain in a marriage. There are risks and rewards to single life just as there are to married, The burden is so much lighter, but the risk is also much more severe. If you can mitigate the risk, the reward is amazing. You might want to let your husband know your plans for retirement so he can make his. ✌🏽.
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#23
If there is I’d like to know what it is….
I was the breadwinner, class representative for three classes, the manager of the sports teams, booker of holidays, and organiser of every appointment and activity for over a decade.
Im now mid 40s and separated nearly two years.
Have my young kids half the time and live my best no parent life the other half. My career has gone from strength to strength, I’m having the best s*x of my life, and my relationship with my kids is thriving.
The first year can be tough with financial separation, custody and divorce, but once thats done… nothing but positives for me. My married friends tell me I’m a walking advertisement for divorce.
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#24
I’m 42 and married for 18 years, together for 21 years. I cannot imagine living apart because he is my absolute best friend and the love of my life and I still feel the way I did about him when we met, and I feel very confident he feels the same in return.
For me, being married is about sharing an entire life with my very best friend and feeling safe, secure and loved at all times. I suppose that’s possible without being married but I definitely wouldn’t want anything to change.
I think you have to do some deep soul searching as to whether you really want to be with him anymore, and if you don’t, you don’t have to be. You have freedom and you have agency and your life is yours to do what you want with it – don’t spend it with someone who isn’t your best friend and the love of your life, in my opinion. At the end of the day you have to feel like being married is significantly improving your life.
Can I ask if you ever felt like he was your best friend / love of your life? Did he ever make your life better in all regards? Did something change? If so, what, and have you talked to him about it? Like really deep talking where he understands the fact that he could lose you if things don’t change.
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#25
I love being married (I’ve been with my husband 14 years). Just looking at practical side, not being in love and intangible benefits like that – I like travelling so it’s nice to have my husband along to share all the trips as we both enjoy it. The housework is split 50/50 into areas (we don’t share chores and instead have our own) so 50% of things I just never need to think about at all and it just gets done. We have double the income but some bills are fixed regardless of how many people in the house so things are cheaper. I can have s*x basically when I want and I know it will be good and safe. When s**t goes wrong I have someone to look after me (I just spent two months unable to walk due to surgery so the house got looked after and my meals cooked for me). I’ve always got someone around to talk to (I’ve got lots of friends as well but it’s nice to have someone physically present to chat to every day as well).
I have noticed that parenting is where women often shoulder most of the responsibility but I’m a step parent so whilst I helped out and was a support, my husband had all the difficult jobs in that area (kids are adults now).
Overall it will depend on who you end up married to if it’s a benefit or not.
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#26
I just want to hug every single one of you who feels alone in your marriage. I’m so sorry. I went through a breakup last month with the person I once thought would become my spouse, and after reading your experiences (and retroactively reflecting on unspoken concerns and potential red flags), perhaps my being single at 43 is actually okay.
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#27
I married someone who makes me feel like I won in life. We both work, we both share household chores, we both cook, and we both take care of each other. When I hear married women talk about this ‘mental load’ I’m honestly not sure what that even encompasses. I’ve never felt like I’m going more of anything in our marriage, we also don’t have kids so maybe it’s more of a thing for mothers?
I very much have benefited from my marriage, and so has he. He’s my partner in life.
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#28
It depends on who you marry. I married my best friend in the whole wide world and being with him is a delight. We have fun doing errands together, of all things. We try new restaurants for date night or get our old favorites. We cuddle every night and he always tucks me in before I go to sleep. I am the kid schlepper and primary driver but he almost always makes our dinner and does laundry since he works from home, plus we share the household chore load since we consider each other partners. There is no head of household, we make decisions together. We also nag each other when one of us is being Bull-headed about not going to the doctor or avoiding exercise because we feel lazy. 😅
But this is my 2nd marriage. My first held no benefit to me because I married the wrong man who did not love me. The only benefit I got was my kids and my dog.
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#29
I also question this.
My kids aren’t close to leaving the house yet but honestly, I think I should have chosen the “single forever” lifestyle back in my late 20’s/early 30’s. I think I would have been happier without getting married.
I don’t regret having my kids and I love them so much but being in a marriage isn’t all that’s cracked up to be and I would advise anybody who is considering marriage to really think long and hard, listen to both sides of the story.
If you’re not willing to divorce/separate, then you need to start cultivating your own “life” especially as the kids leave the house. Find things that you’re passionate about and rediscover your own person again.
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#30
I am recently divorced. My kids are young, and we have 50-50 custody. I would say that 95% of the time I am much happier and feel fulfilled living my own single life. I can do my hobbies (running, knitting, reading), listen to music I like, watch TV that I want without anyone making me feel guilty or judging my choices. The house is as clean as it was when I left.
BUT I feel a lot of responsibility. I also don’t have any family around to help me, so if there is an emergency or something happens, it is all on me. I don’t have anyone to call for help. Several months ago I got home from work and picking up the kids, and walked into my house and a pipe had burst and was pouring water into the basement. Instead of doing normal dinner, bath, bed routine, I had to deal with the mess and cleanup. I wasn’t able to make dinner and fed my kids cake for dinner. It felt horrible. I felt horrible. In those moments, I would like to feel like I have a partner. However, when I was married, I often felt like I didn’t have a partner then as well.. so….
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#31
Start doing some thing for yourself as if you are living alone.
The family dynamic will shift. And it will express the true leader in the home. (Who will address it, provide support and solutions)(kids will see it and might address it and help, understand, ignore, cast blame)
With this insight for yourself- you can determine is this really how life will be? Do you like it? Is there more of you to evolve into?
I personally watched in my childhood family dynamics. And steered away from traditional life. At times, very few- I was bummed. But I love that I don’t feel stuck. Just bored, when I am bored.
Good luck. Trial run. More self time, more communication.
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#32
The older I get, the more I wonder about this.
My marriage is fine. I do most of the childcare and mental load bc my husband is busy working himself to the bone. Yes I’d like to have more family and leisure time with him, but he keeps us financially secure and is building generational wealth for our kids.
However, I feel like some women would be much better off being alone. Especially once the kids are out of the house.
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#33
I was widowed young and have since remarried. The mental load and responsibilities of marriage don’t bother me anymore, because the emotions of losing a partner in life is far greater than any burden of having those responsibilities. It sounds like you are experiencing some burnout. Is it possible to take some time away for a vacation alone? Or are there ways to delegate some of the mental load onto others in your family to help ease the struggle?
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#34
There’s a reasons when the question “how does marriage benefit men” gets posted in the men subreddit they answer “it doesn’t because of divorce”.
That’s the point. For men, LOSING marriage is the worst thing that can happen. For women, being in one has few benefits.
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#35
Church can be an incubator of toxic marriages. Women are conditioned to endure loveless marriages and men are praised for giving the bare minimum.
I used to be heavily involved in church and ministry and it was appalling to see women doing most of the work and men doing nothing but at the same time being praised as leaders.
The other issue was that I found men in the church to be lazy. They may work but they were fine with letting their wives do everything else and they did not feel obligated to much more than that. They were also lazy emotionally and did not put in work for their marriage.
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#36
I mean this is a very personal question that it sounds like you need to decide for yourself. My spouse isn’t perfect, and 17 years in I can’t say we are “in love” like before the kids were born, but I still value him as a companion and partner and yes, in terms of s*x drive we’re still a pretty good match. I definitely juggle a lot of balls too and I’m sad about our kids growing up but I also like envisioning the day when the kids are in college and he and I can have dates and travel again on our own. I want us to be at our 40th anniversary and the young people think we’re cute because we’re still nice to each other and not crabby about our partner the way so many boomers are.
Your marriage long term is another thing like your kids, your career, your finances, your health and friendships, that you need to invest in and take care of. Leaving it on autopilot too long and it can get off track. And you have to choose whether you value that.
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#37
My husband is my ultimate companion and support. He treats me like a queen and we work as a team to raise our family and look forward to retirement when we can spend more time together doing the things we love. We have a special needs daughter and I would not trade seeing her eyes light up when she sees her dad for anything in the world. I only hope that I can be as good to him as he is to me.
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#38
In America, if you do the classic setup of younger woman, older man, he has a job with health insurance for your pregnancies? Sure. The system is set up for it to be tough to do without him.
Screw with any of those factors, including not marrying older, outearning him, not wanting kids? Hard to say, beyond true friendship and good s*x if you’ve got it, plus legal rights to health decisions and property.
Oh I thought of one, if you wear a wedding ring, some other men might back off instead of harassing you! Out of respect for your husband. .
Image source: Throwaway_hoarder_
#39
I value my marriage because I’m married to my best friend and have a partner who shares similar values. We both want to make things better for each other and that has been key in sharing the load. I have a chronic illness and my husband cares for me and carries the load when I can’t and vice versa when he’s overwhelmed.
Without a true partnership? No, then marriage becomes a constraint instead of a benefit.
Honestly I wouldn’t have been able to marry anyone with a patriarchal mindset. They aren’t interested in partnership.
Start weaning off juggling the load for him and see if you can schedule time away alone. Even just in a hotel or campground for a week doing something for yourself – journaling, art, whatever makes you happy. Even with my happy marriage, I crave time to myself to replenish and listen to what only I want and need for a bit. Now is the time for you to start to figure out what you want the second half of your life to be like.
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#40
Apparently I’m the only one who wants to say that women can, in fact, benefit. For perspective, I’m 44 and been married for 19 1/2 years.
I am not the primary breadwinner. But because I have support, I can pursue a job that has meaning to me and keeps me healthy. I got sick a LOT when I worked normal forty hours. Now I work part time and get to put my health first.
Also, not all men are the same. Mine cooks half the meals, he does the dishes every day, takes the trash out, fixes stuff etc. he’s a great father and has definitely seen things about our kiddo that I didn’t(and vice versa), so we absolutely are better off together than solo parenting.
I’m not saying we are perfect. The romance fluctuates. I do get tired of compromising and sometimes day dream about having everything my way. I like his work trips because I get a little taste without losing the good stuff. I take my own work related trips(continued Ed) so I can have new experiences . We have separate hobbies but have time we make for each other.
I feel like the real answer is “it depends.” It depends on how well the couple is matched, whether both people are putting effort into both the relationship and the life they built together. It depends on how they treat each other. I have respect for any woman who is happy being independent and any woman strong enough to get out of a bad situation. But don’t think that married women aren’t also capable of being happy.
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#41
I tried to enlighten my ex husband about the mental load and he continued to try to gaslight me. Not only did he resist taking on more chores, but he also did nothing to show appreciation for the overwhelming amount of household work I did.
But now that we are divorced, life is SO much easier and I am very, very happy. I tried dating a bit but am struggling to find someone who will be a 50/50 partner.
I’ve found a group of women in my same shoes and we support each other.
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#42
To me there are things you’ve said here that in my own life I experience and am good with, and other things you’ve said here feel like things to examine a bit.
What I’m good with in my own life, after 25 years of marriage – a shift to a companionship way of life. I’m even good with the slowdown in the intimate life (perimenopause had its impact on me). I do most of the mental labor in our household because I was always the one managing home/kid/meals/chores and usually that’s okay with me, as long as he is capable of stepping in to support where needed.
What I’m not good with in my own life – feeling unseen, wanting to run away, fantasizing about him finding someone else so I can go live a better life on my own. These are your red flags. I have felt this way and this is a problem. It is a sign of something brewing underneath. We had to do some major work on this one.
I don’t have big profound advice really. I had to get crystal clear on what I wanted and needed. For me it was to better define what we needed to do as a couple to galvanize us a little more. We needed to connect as us, and not only as parents or problem-solvers. It also meant I needed to define myself again in my late 40s and figure out what I needed to do to live the life I wanted to live. I didn’t need to leave and go live on my own – that would cost me my life’s companion and I didn’t want that. I like being married. I like having my person to do life with. Ups and downs and imperfections all around. The benefits outweigh the costs for me.
I did need to find new outlets for myself – my own goals and hobbies and self-care and things that got me in touch with me again after a long season of spending most of my energy on other people.
This is just my take as someone who really identifies with a lot of what you said. Wishing you all the best.
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#43
First, I have so much sympathy for you. Feeling unseen and actively wishing for your husband to find “some young thing” is so REAL, and I applaud your honesty and your vulnerability. I think it’s so important for women to tell the truth to one another, and that younger women could benefit from hearing these stories as a counterpoint to the cultural lies we are sold as “normal”.
Secondly, my experience differs from yours in a few major factors, particularly that I didn’t have children, which is an enormous shift in how a relationship runs. When I was younger, I observed that in my culture and community (socio-economic, etc) I did not see many examples of women who were able to balance both raising children and happy marriages, it really seemed like an either/or proposition. One could have a happy marriage or happy kids, but typically not both. I didn’t want to risk raising kids on my own, I knew that was not for me, so I chose a man who was not particularly interested in children either. So def take my words with a hearty helping of salt. We are also not religious, and my husband is openly feminist and does not subscribe to patriarchal expectations.
So that said, I do want to answer your question earnestly: what benefits do I get in marriage? For me it’s about long-term intimacy and a carefully constructed, deliberate support system. I value having someone who has known and cared about me for so long, through multiple phases of life. I value the “shared memory” part of our lives, the way we bear witness to what happens in our families and our world. I like having him there when I go through tough things: losing people I love, dealing with health issues, listening to me vent as I weather the storms of my career challenges, rooting for me as I build projects and endeavors I’m proud of. And then doing the same for him: as we grow and develop as people, we have cheerleaders and support systems. When problems come up, we’re not alone in dealing with them, we have someone to puzzle it out aloud, to strategize and brainstorm. That’s what I would say I value most, and why I continue to prioritize my own husband and marriage in my life. This long term trust and side-by-side teamwork approach to life grows even more valuable to me with time.
But I understand that is not everyone’s experience, and I know how rare it is and also how much work it takes to maintain this through many decades.
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#44
It depends 100% on your partner. I married in my 20s to a man who was super fun, smart, and interesting. It was a hard marriage- infidelity, infertility, poor conflict resolution skills on both our parts, he wanted to have his own business but didn’t have the skill set. I was the breadwinner and the housework doer. From my perspective now I can’t believe I didn’t divorce him! But I was attached, he was handsome and charismatic and he worked hard to learn how be a good person, and I loved him. Then he died of cancer in his mid-40s.
After he died, I grieved him deeply, but also my life got SO much easier. I thrived at work and loved living alone.
After about 5 years I was set up with a guy through mutual friends and it’s such a different thing being with him. We’re just more compatible in the ways that matter to me now. He’s had much more time to work on himself than my late sweetie ever got, and he did the work, and it shows. We can talk about hard things. He pulls his weight. We’re more s*xually compatible- he taught me what it feels like to have s*x with someone who’s capable of really tuning in to their partner and whose ego isn’t involved, and wow is that better. And since we’re both introverts, he doesn’t need me to pay attention to him every waking moment.
So I married him at 56, and it’s great. He gives me more than he costs me.
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#45
This is really funny ! That’s a bit what I was going through unconsciously… and indeed a few weeks ago he told me he had cheated on me and I thought it was the perfect opportunity to jump out of this marriage ! I’ve been feeling great since 😇 of course I was quite angry at the way he treated me (lying like crazy for months and now saying that he thought I was going to fight more for our wedding…) but I have not missed him at all or the life we had together !!
Image source: Ok_Tomorrow8815
#46
I think what you’re feeling is very common for women of our age.
It’s why I preach to younger women all the time—well, not all the time but whenever it comes up— to not put yourself in the situation of doing everything. One day you’ll look around, be resentful, and dream of unburdening yourself, even if your husband is an otherwise nice guy that you get along with really well.
What a lot of people don’t realize early on is that in a relationship, if you’re the first one to do a task, that job is now yours forever if you aren’t careful. Women are often happy to do things initially, especially if they are staying home with children, but them it just becomes the norm.
So if any young women are reading this, if you’ve stayed at home with kids for a few years, and then you go back to work, please, for your future self, immediately renegotiate all of the household and childcare duties with your husband. Make a chart if you have to, but don’t continue doing everything for everyone.
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#47
My marriage ended a few weeks after our 22 anniversary.
My life is better than ever.
No interest in another man in my life.
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#48
I’m in a similar position to you. He’s more of a companion, but we are only 10 years in with young kids. Even in terms of companion, when I think about it is he that great? He’s cheated on me twice. I ask him to do more housework and he gets very defensive because he *checks notes* mows the lawn and does periodic maintenance on our cars. I make more money than him and have potential to earn more and yet our lives have to mold around -his- job.
You asked if it’s a stage – if you are fantasizing about him cheating on you so you can leave guilt free that feels more like you finally have enough breathing room to see your reality. Take care of you. Much love.
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#49
Women benefit from community. It is exceptionally rare a husband offers the relationship, support, and caring a community does.
I’ve done the married thing and it is no benefit to a woman who is educated and capable.
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#50
It does not sound marriage is benefitting you very much. Maybe the relationship has run it’s course.
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#51
I’m 44 and divorced and engaged again and more and more feeling like there is no reason to do it again. I find myself longing for the time after my divorce when I lived alone. I ate better, I exercised more, my house was cleaner and I felt great. And it’s not just me, I have friends around my age who are divorced or divorcing and they all look and feel better than ever. Maybe 100 years ago marriage was a good deal for women but not so much anymore.
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#52
I relate to this entirely, down to the fantasies and the glaringly one-sided marriage benefits. I still have 4 kids at home, and it’s infinitely better now that he’s out of the picture. I have never lived alone before, having gone straight from my parents’ home to being a mother and wife. Just having my own bedroom/bathroom space has elevated my life experience so much. I am still looking forward to living alone someday, but this is still so much better.
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#53
If marriage benefitted women, divorces would be overwhelmingly initiated by men. Women earn less, live shorter lives and report being less happy when married. And somehow, social norms have bamboozled us to believe that we should aspire to marry, and if we dont something is wrong with us. Make it make sense.
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#54
For me being divorced and single is great but not for my son.You have to measure the pro and con. Talk to a lawyer to know your rights and HIS. Divorce is expensive. Talk to a marriage counsellor to see if the marriage could be better for you. FYI: the dating pool sucks.
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#55
I already figured this as a child which is why I never wanted to date or marry. For some time I still thought that marriage (or any partnership with men) at least brings you safety but then I realized safety only really comes from having lots of money. Having a partner will not save you from other men because he cannot be with you 24/7. So apart from financial benefits of only paying half the rent I can’t see any benefits for women to ever be in a partnership with men. But then again you can also do that with a roomate.
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#56
Well, you’ve got legal protections so there’s that. If something were to happen to you, your husband can make the call about your treatment. Also sometimes it’s cheaper from a tax perspective
It’s a legal contract that come with it some legal benefits.
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#57
Not that I can see. I like having my own place and not cleaning up after other people. I like not having to consider if my decor is too feminine or if Im making enough meat for meals.
It would be nice to have help with the bills, but I will end up doing too much of the work. I think it would be best to live on our own sides of a duplex.
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#58
Your description of your marriage is pretty similar to mine, except (and it’s a big “except”) for the “head of the house” fantasy/religious patriarchal nonsense. I love my husband deeply even if I don’t want to have s*x as often as I used to. I cherish the companionship (and there’s a lot of it since we both mostly work from home and are together a lot).
If you’re fantasizing about how the marriage could end, I recommend talking to a therapist about it and make sure you’re sure about what you’re considering. Ending a marriage is a big deal. I’ve seen people blossom and flourish and really come into their own after leaving the dead weight. And I’ve also seen people disappointed and in new relationships that are just as dissatisfying. I know I’d feel better about making such a big decision after talking it out with a neutral party.
But back to your original question. There aren’t a lot of benefits of marriage for women, especially for women like us. Even taxes are worse when you’re married. For me, I guess I just love him and I enjoy knowing that we are formally and officially bonded in marriage. There are no tangible benefits to marriage. But tangible benefits are not why I got married.
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#59
The paradox of the woman being the doer, the brains, and emotional / mental load keeper of the family (and in recent years; often the higher earner), while we perpetuate the myth and fairytale that the man is at the top of the hierarchy is something that truly perplexes (and angers) me. I’m glad we’re slowly evolving away from traditional role expectations…. The truth is when alone, many woman thrive and become their best selves, and men, well, the wheels just fall of the wagon. So, even when we want to venture out and ‘go solo’, we have to worry about the male counterpart not having his built-in ‘nurse with a purse.’
To thine own self be true? I guess that’s the line and do we want to cross it.
Image source: /ProblemLucky7924
#60
I got divorced at 50. That was 10 years ago. The catalyst for the divorce was him falling in love with another woman but if I’m honest, the path to that had begun a few years before.
I both love living alone and am lonely. I’ve come to terms with it now, but for a long time, I felt like an emotional nomad. I didn’t have my person to call when I had good news or bad. I didn’t have a shoulder to cry on. That was the hardest part.
I felt like Morgan Freeman’s character at the end of Shawshank Redemption. I was out of prison but I just didn’t know how to BE in the world and I couldn’t stop thinking about doing something stupid to get myself back into a place I knew that was comfortable. But… with time, therapy, and Wellbutrin, I got through it.
I do looove having my own place. Keeping it exactly how I like it. Setting the standards for how clean it’s kept. Making what I want for dinner. Watching what I want on TV. That doesn’t suck at all.
Image source: AnnieGetYourPunSTL
#61
I think we were sold a fantasized version of marriage. It sounds quite wonderful to have someone live you and take care of you forever. Combine that with deeply entrenched misogyny and you get these lopsided relationships. Add children (because babies can happen when you are still blinded by lust and magical thinking) and all of a sudden women are financially vulnerable. Hard to take upwardly mobile jobs when you are the default parent holding everything together. You are so busy working so hard and just so tired all the time that you just don’t realize what’s happened to your life until menopause hits and you hit the wall. I’m just done. Wish I hadn’t spent my life the way I did. My child grew up into a wonderful and accomplished adult but wow – marriage definitely benefits the man. Younger people give me side eye when I say this and I want to be proved wrong. I’m so tired and am just done with it.
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#62
Before women could be financially independent (1970s and earlier) many women had to marry to survive. Now that women have careers and their own income and retirement funds, marriage is less critical. I have been single 18 years and never living with a man again. He can have his own house and I will keep mine.
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