There are a lot of moments in the movies when guys have taken kicks to the pills, but none of them are all that enjoyable to watch unless you can tell yourself that it’s not happening to you. Of course, that doesn’t account for sympathy pains that might be felt since let’s face it, any guy that’s been kicked in the nethers knows that it hurts, and even seeing it being used as comedy on the big screen, or in any other way, is bound to wince a little since they’ve been there and know how it feels. But at least in the movies, there’s a bit of comedy to go with this move just to ease the sting a little bit since otherwise it would be kind of brutal to just say ‘here’s a cup check, deal with it’. There are a lot of these shots in the movies and it’s likely that I missed a good number of them, but this would be a seriously long article if I managed to cover them all. Here are some of the worst low blows in the movies.
10. Avengers: Endgame
This could have been a touching moment save for one immutable fact, the Gamora from the past didn’t know much of anything about Peter Quill from the present, and vice versa. As a result, she didn’t really feel like being touched by someone she didn’t know and responded accordingly. It’s kind of surprising that it took two solid knee shots for Gamora to put Quill down though.
9. The Monster Squad
This is a classic since a lot of us can hopefully remember this moment from our childhood when it was established that yes, the wolfman does have nards. More importantly, it hurt the monster when he was kicked in his tender spots, enough so that it was possible for the guys to run for the hills, or at least to what they perceived as a safe spot.
8. The Benchwarmers
One thing you don’t do when someone is working with a lawnmower is throw rocks at it, in front of it, or anywhere around it. Why? Well, Richie serves as a great example of what CAN happen, but then again, Richie is kind of hopeless when it comes to…well, life. But still, it’s fair to think that a mower is going to chuck rock back at someone if it runs over something big enough.
7. Shrek 2
This takes the term ‘mule kick to a new low since getting kicked by anything with hooves hurts like hell and even the thought is enough to make a guy wince. But when thinking about a double hoof connection to the privates, it’s fair to say that even ice wouldn’t take the pain away quick enough.
6. Dumb and Dumber
Of course this is excessive, but the point is that it’s a fantasy and you can’t really hope that someone of Lloyd’s limited intellect is going to have anything but the most outlandish fantasies that are all about action, humor, and getting away with the kind of physical acts that would cause any guy to turn a bit green.
5. Total Recall
This one is pretty hard to watch since she doesn’t just get him once in the junk, she goes in for another strike and hits him right on the money, which makes one wonder how Arnold is still standing at that point. Hey, a tough guy can take a shot to the pills, but even a tough guy is going to be limping around a bit as he tries to regain his bearings, and possibly to assess the damage.
Some guys would preach that men shouldn’t hit other men in the privates since it’s a cheap shot and way too easy to gain the advantage. Well, when you’re outnumbered, have a serious height and weight disadvantage, and you’re just trying to get the fight over and done with, it’s time to press that one advantage as much as you can.
3. Ready to Rumble
There’s a whole montage of low blows that were compiled at the end of this movie but finding them has been difficult. This one, in particular, was pretty funny though since Martin Landau managed to turn in a great role in the movie. The part of Sal was funny because he didn’t look like much, but he was able to turn hardened tough guys into sobbing messes.
2. Hot Shots Part Deux
A parody that was adapted from a Rambo movie, this scene is pretty brutal but also insanely funny since it borrows a bit from Kickboxer with Jean Claude Van Damme as well. But the Rambo 3 motif is pretty dominant up until we see the walnuts come rolling out of the guy’s mouth.
1. The Longest Yard
Everyone loves a fair game when it comes to any sport, and while the refs can’t catch everything in football there’s always a good chance that some of them are a little twisted and have a personal bias against one team. Yes, that’s paranoia talking, but in this movie, it was a literal fact. Walk it off, walk it off.