It’s like the opening line of a bad joke: House walks into a room with tape, Popsicle sticks, and an IV bag. It just can’t end well. Cue Ted Nugent’s “Stranglehold” as House looks back on his handiwork. It’s… an epic Hot Wheels track constructed out of hospital supplies, set up to shoot the car over a plastic shark and into a bedpan. House officially has too much time on his hands. He sends the car down the track, but before it can breach the bedpan, Cuddy swoops it up, clinic patient (Hey, it’s Judy Greer! Kitty Sanchez from Arrested Development! Here, Kitty indeed.) in tow. When Cuddy destroys the track, House reluctantly listens to the patient (Morgan, the head of nursing at a nursing home) complain that she’s had colds all winter and feels run-down, but has no specific symptoms. Instead, she asks for a CBC or thyroid scan. Actually, she doesn’t get to finish her request, because she hits the floor, seizing. House rolls his eyes, steps over her, and calls Cuddy in for a consult. An appalled Cuddy tends to the still-seizing Morgan, and before House can extricate himself up to his office, Cuddy informs him that Morgan peed herself. And the pee is bright, neon green. Good thing she was wearing white pants.
The team suggests both Pseudomonas and toxin exposure before Taub walks in late, proceeding to whine about taking the case. Taub proposes it’s adult-onset epilepsy and Morgan happens to have a taste for green beer. House orders the team to check her house and place of work for toxins, despite the fact that Taub continues to insist that whatever Morgan has, it’s not important. House fires back that neither is Taub, and the team’s dismissed. Goodness. Taub’s certainly got a stick up his ass today. Too bad his plight is so pathetically entertaining during this episode — I might actually feel sorry for him.
At Morgan’s office, Kumar tries to figure out what’s bothering Taub, but isn’t getting very far. They find methylene blue in Morgan’s office, and Taub brings it to House, informing him that he’s been “conned.” Morgan faked the seizure and took the methylene blue to turn her pee green and voila! Medical attention for a sufferer of Münchausen syndrome. House thinks that finding methylene blue in the office of a nursing home is no big deal, as it’s often used to treat Alzheimer’s. Plus, peeing on one’s self in public is really really hard to do. Phenol poisoning would explain the seizure and the urine, and can be found in some throat sprays (when administered in large quantities). Taub’s ordered to search Morgan’s house and Kumar’s instructed to start her on charcoal hemoperfusion for the phenol poisoning. Before Kumar can leave, though, House goes, “Seriously?!” Kumar looks dumbfounded, which is his default expression anyway and goes, “Oh! You were lying about the throat spray. That does make more sense.” House doesn’t want to let Taub in on the fact that he’s going to test Morgan for the fake seizures. Because House hates being wrong. I geddit, show.
Taub’s on his way out of the hospital when he runs into an old friend from high school (now the CEO of a major corporation that develops medical equipment), who’s banged his leg and needs someone to look at it snappy. Taub volunteers, and they head back into the bowels of PPTH.
House enters Morgan’s room and informs her they’re going to do another seizure test, because unless they can confirm she’s sick, she’s going to have to leave. House starts the photosensitive seizure test, and Morgan starts twitching and jerking after about five seconds. She passes out and House picks up her arm, lifts it over her head and drops it. She stops it before it can bang her head, indicating she wasn’t really having a seizure. Morgan apologizes, but says she’s going to die unless House helps her. “A cat predicted my death,” she blurts as House is walking out the door. “Cats make terrible doctors. Oh no, wait! That’s women.” Haha. Funny.
Taub slaps a big Band-Aid over his friend’s knee (I thought “Really? You came to the hospital for that?” the first time I watched this episode, but then it all made sense in the end; clever, writers) while his friend complains that he’s had a problem with dizziness for a while; he’s been antibiotics for a week, and they haven’t helped. Taub tells him to lay down and proceeds to gently twist his head from one side to another. When the friend sits back up, he’s amazed that the dizziness is gone. Taub figured he had a calcium deposit in his inner ear, and he shifted it around. The friend offers to buy him dinner, but Taub says he’s married and boring, so he has to say no. Say wha? The CEO of a successful corporation offers to buy you dinner and you decline? Someone check Taub for brain damage, stat!
Morgan intercepts House as she’s leaving. “If you’re going to kill me and rape me, please do it in that order,” House pleads. But no, Morgan has brought House the Death Kitty, who lives in the nursing home, only sleeping next to people when they’re going to die. Death Kitty slept next to Morgan the day before while she was sitting on her couch. “Can you come back later?” House calls from inside his office, “I’m conducting some business with the Prince of Nigeria.” She pleads with him to watch a video — all will be revealed! Morgan gets short of breath and collapses outside House’s office. Foreman runs to her aid, and House mocks, “Quick! Before she goes without attention for eight seconds!” Foreman indicates it’s a bronchospasm, which is really hard to fake.
House and Cuddy sit on the couch, watching a news special on the Death Kitty. Also? Cuddy’s hair looks about ten million times better this week — it’s been borderline wig-like for the last few weeks. Cuddy thinks Morgan’s a nutjob, and can’t see why House would want to treat her. She gives him 24 hours to figure out if Morgan’s faking or not, or else Cuddy’s throwing her out.
The next morning, the team sits around the table in House’s office, staring at him as he sits in a chair with a cat on his lap and a cigar in one hand. “What are you doing?” Kumar asks. “No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to diiiiiie,” he drawls before going into Morgan’s bronchospasm. Foreman suggests bronchitis. “No cough, no fever, and Blofeld didn’t smoke a cigar,” Thirteen points out. I hadn’t taken her for a Bond aficionado (she’s also HIGHLY less annoying this week). “He might have. Dude had a lair. Means he was rich. Rich people enjoy good stogies, sometimes send them as gifts,” House counters. “Hey, Taub! Did I sound like I was awkwardly trying to segway into making a point?” Yes, House. Yes it did. Thirteen thinks it could be emphysema, but Foreman points out there was nothing on CT scan. Foreman thinks the Death Kitty might not be such a crazy idea — dogs can predict diabetic seizures, among other things. Maybe cats can as well. House thinks it’s more likely that the cat is a coincidence. Foreman comes up with the GENIUS idea that the cat could have caused the deaths. “We shoulda listened to Ted Nugent,” House says. Cat-scratch fever in the form of visceral larva migrans (worms) is possible and Foreman is going scope Morgan for worms in the lungs. Taub, meanwhile, has found an empty box of Cuban cigars in House’s garbage, addressed to him. “Hey! That reminds me. Why is some fancy CEO sending you a box of Cuban cigars? Is it related to your money worries?” House points out that Taub has been skipping his morning muffin, so he must have lost most of his money in the market last year. Taub says he’s on a diet, but House points out that Taub forgot to log out of his online portfolio, which clued him in on his financial situation. But it was mostly the muffins. Oops.
Kumar and Taub look on as Thirteen and Foreman scope Morgan’s lungs. Taub is still angsty and emo because he keeps telling his wife they don’t need to downsize, but he’s starting to think that they need to do something. Kumar’s comforting skills as a friend are about as good as his bedside manner, though, so Taub doesn’t feel much better. Thirteen walks out to report that the worms are a no-go. The team follows House down the hall as he wheels a crash cart “because patients sometimes crash and they haven’t yet invented a crash tractor for [House] to drive wildly around the hallways.” The team goes into the coma patient room, where House is going to test the Death Kitty in a blind study. The patient it curls up against should be doomed. It really is a rather adorable Death Kitty. “If I could prove the non-existence of an omniscient God who lovingly guides us to the other side, I would. Cat-version will have to do,” House tells Kumar, who’s petrified of the Death Kitty. Taub thinks House could have screwed up in diagnosing the bronchospasm (it could be a laryngospasm — which would be a panic attack). Foreman takes offense to that implication, obviously. The Death Kitty doesn’t curl up to the first patient, so House moves on to the next one. Taub notices welts on the second patient’s arm — turns out he has a severe cat allergy. I’m torn between laughing my ass off here and rolling my eyes at the incompetence of these guys. House gives the guy a shot of something and says, “That never happened.” Meanwhile, the Death Kitty has curled up with the last patient. House thinks that Foreman’s position about airborne allergens makes the most sense, so he orders methacholine challenge on Morgan.
House is back in his office with Cuddy, who’s staring at Death Kitty’s litter box, telling House that he needs to get rid of it. “Do you see a cat?” House asks innocently. “I see a litter box,” Cuddy says. House holds up his cane, insisting, “This is a disability, Dr. Cuddy. I can’t make it to the men’s room on time–” “Do you pee on the mice too?” Cuddy cuts House off. “Well, you see, the mice actually prove that I don’t have a cat,” House responds. “Are these the genetically modified lab mice from oncology??” Cuddy exclaims. “Genetically modified for tastiness,” House replies. Hee! Cuddy grabs the mice and tells House to get rid of the cat and the patient. She also informs House that the methacholine challenge came back negative (Taub told her). “I wish there was a lawsuit cat who could warn you,” House calls after Cuddy’s retreating figure. Cuddy tells House that either he escorts Morgan out, or she’ll have security do it.
“You’re joining me for a goodbye smoke,” House says as he wheels Morgan outside. She’s confused, as she doesn’t smoke. House lights up one of Taub’s Cubans, blowing smoke into Morgan’s face. He looked into Morgan’s background and came to the conclusion that she used to be a pretty normal person until she turned into a “superstitious idiot.” Four years ago she got a divorce after her step son died in a freak choking accident at school. House thinks she wants to make it make sense. “What’s wrong with that?” Morgan asks, tearing up. “It’s meaningless, that’s what’s wrong,” House responds, “What’s wrong is that it doesn’t do a thing to bring your kid back, or put you and your ex together again.” Morgan develops a rash on her neck and starts coughing. House gets a second opinion on the bronchospasm from a nearby doctor before wheeling her back inside. Okay, I was okay with Morgan until they played the dead kid card. Really? She couldn’t just be bummed about her divorce?
House thinks that Morgan has Churg-Strauss Syndrome, so he assigns Taub to… change the litter box. It’s punishment for ratting House out to Cuddy. Taub walks out instead. Look, I know the economy’s bad, but c’mon, Taub. The job market isn’t that great either. Kumar decides he’s going to go test the patient and picks up his backpack off the chair (why he would need his backpack for that, I don’t know), only to have the Death Kitty squeal and jump out of it. Kumar jumps as well. House put it in there so he could figure out why Kumar’s such a “credulous idiot.” Is he trying to get all of his staff to quit today? Oh, wait. That would mean Cameron and Chase would have to come back. Go for it, House! Can Fourteen next! House ignores me, though, and tells Thirteen to start Morgan on steroids.
Taub, meanwhile, is sipping some fine brandy with his friend. He reminisces about the good ol’ days and finally admits to having an affair with the daughter of one of his partners. Even though he signed a non-disclosure with the company, he eventually told his wife about the affair. Ooooooh. That explains it. I was afraid I’d missed something.
Thirteen rushes into Morgan’s room to discover her urine’s turned brown. DUN DUN DUN. Afterward, House strolls into his office, dodging a very tall ladder that’s set up in the room. Thirteen thinks that Morgan is still faking, because nothing explains the brown urine. House then opens an umbrella at Kumar and flaps it at him. “How do you know it’s still brown?” Foreman asks. “Has to be,” House fires back, “Once you’ve gone brown…” Cue lingering look on Foreteen. Ugh. Foreman thinks the green dye never left her system, and purple urine (a strep bovis infection from colon cancer) would mix with green to make brown. Except the colonoscopy was clean. Hrm. House spills a salt shaker on the table with a feigned gasp of “Oh no!” only to be informed by Kumar that he wasn’t scared by the umbrella either. Taub returns, wondering why there’s a ladder in the room. “Oops! Forgot that one,” House says as he hobbles over to move it over the doorway. House also orders a pill-cam to find the tumor. Before Kumar leaves, he tosses a handful of salt over his left shoulder and squeezes his way around the ladder. House grins. He also brings Taub over to his desk to chat about what a coward he is and bluntly states that cowards make terrible employees.
House wheels Morgan into the room with the coma patients and points out that “Faster Pussycat, Kill Kill” has quickly snuggled up to Coma Patient #3. She did yesterday as well, and the guy’s still breathing. Morgan thinks she’s just confused in this new environment. House tells the story of the beginnings of the Seventh Day Adventist Church and William Miller, who predicted Jesus would make a showing in 1844, but when he didn’t, Miller made new predictions and drew in more and more followers, despite the fact that he continued to be wrong. “I know I sound just like them, but I also know you’re wrong,” Morgan tells House, “Something terrible’s gonna happen to me.”
House walks out of the room with a conspicuous bag under his arm (containing Death Kitty) and runs into Wilson, who can’t understand why House is pushing her to question her beliefs during this time of crisis. They get into an already-occupied elevator and Wilson asks where they’re going. “Experimenting,” House says, as the Death Kitty makes a rather loud mewing noise. “Stop it, Dr. Wilson. It’s just not cute anymore!” House scolds for the benefit of the other guy in the elevator. Hee! That’s the House I know and love. This episode has been fantastic for the one-liners.
House tries to get the Death Kitty to bond with the oncology treatment children, but Wilson’s having none of that. Death Kitty doesn’t seem to like the idea too much either. Wilson thinks the reason he’s still pursuing the Death Kitty issue is either that he doubts himself, or cares what other people think. But House doesn’t finish the conversation — he gets a text message that the pill-cam came back, so he stuffs Death Kitty haphazardly back into the bag and takes off.
The pill-cam came back clean as well. House uses his laser pointer to make Death Kitty attack Kumar’s legs. Thirteen thinks they’re wasting their time, but Kumar points out they wouldn’t have seen a flat lesion — skin cancer that could have metastasized in her intestines. House orders Kumar to check for melanomas. On his way out, though, Kumar has a staredown with Death Kitty. Guess who wins? You betcha.
Kumar calls House at home in the middle of the night to report that they didn’t find cancer, but instead discovered some rather large spider veins on Morgan’s back that weren’t there previously. Cushings Disease could explain everything but the bronchospasm (which actually could be explained by a rare form of Cushings aswell). Kumar also informs House that Coma Patient #3 died (and he was stable for a year and a half), and he thinks that means Morgan’s going to die as well.
The next morning, House and the team scope the grounds for the Death Kitty, who appears to have escaped during the night. House is now convinced that something’s going on with the Death Kitty. Foreman still can’t figure out if the Cushings is in Morgan’s adrenals or brain. House starts going off on how he shouldn’t be looking for the Death Kitty right now, he should be using the Death Kitty to figure out what’s wrong with Morgan when he suddenly gets short of breath. He takes a swig out of his coffee cup and Kumar tries to tend to him, except House spits blood all over Kumar’s chest and face. Ewww! Thankfully it’s not actually blood. Cranberry juice. “Cheaper than blood. And more Crantastic!” House exclaims. Punishment for Kumar leaving the door open the night before in the throes of the staredown with the Death Kitty. House tells Foreman to have Chase do a sampling of the blood from Morgan’s brain to check for Cushings there.
Taub, meanwhile, is having breakfast with his friend, saying that he’s not who he used to be and he wants to go work for him. There’s no room for him, though, either in research or investment. His friend eventually agrees to take Taub on in a smaller investor position, but warns him that there’s not going to be an immediate payoff. Taub’s okay with that.
House is down in the morgue with Coma Patient #3 and Wilson, who wants to know what House is looking for. “Catnip, chew toy — I dunno. That’s why I’m looking, ” House says. Chase and Foreman walk in to inform House that Morgan went into cardiac arrest during the sampling. They got her back, but she’s not in good shape. Her ATCH levels are slightly elevated, though, which could confirm the Cushings is in the brain. Chase points out that Cushings is usually associated with central body obesity, but Morgan’s in good shape. Foreman wants to know if they should remove the pituitary right now, but House shouts, “That’s not a question for me! It’s a question for the patient. Present both sides and let her decide.” Foreman and Chase leave and Wilson wonders why the hell House is up to his elbows in a corpse instead of making a case to the patient for one side or the other, as he normally does. House insists Morgan’s case is solved and, at this point, he’s more concerned with scientific experimentation. “I put up with your obsessions. I even encourage them,” Wilson points out, “for one reason. They save lives. I don’t know what you’re doing now.”
Chase explains the options to Morgan, and she goes with removal, even though Chase suggests otherwise. Taub stops in to tell House he’s resigning. House is pretty sure Taub’s gonna come right back at grovel at his feet. “Bring donuts! Everyone loves those bear claws,” House calls after Taub’s retreating figure. Later, as House is looking over files, he sees Death Kitty sneaking back into the office. He calls it, and it jumps up on his laptop, purring contentedly. House pets the cat until… breakthrough!
Meanwhile, Taub waits at the corporate offices of his friend’s company, only to be informed by a secretary that the friend no longer works there. Whoops! He never was the CEO, just a temporary receptionist who’s now in custody. “I went to high school with him!” Taub insists. “That’s what everyone else thought too,” the secretary says. Thankfully, Taub didn’t give him the money yet. Oh, Taub. You totally got conned. But I loved watching it.
House barges in on Wilson to inform him that he was wrong. The cat wasn’t predicting deaths, it was trying to find a warm place to sleep. The dead patients were either feverish or equipped with heating blankets. “Congrats. Because of your crazy obsession with this cat, you’ve solved a completely trivial mystery,” Wilson says. The long and short of it is that Morgan was warm because she had a carcinoid tumor in her appendix. “Congradulations. You probably saved her life. Definitely saved her needless surgery,” Wilson says. About that… House picks up the phone to stop the potentially life-threatening surgery. Apparently gloating came before stopping a potentially life-threatening brain surgery.
Morgan packs up as House enters her room, thanking him for saving her life. But House is just there to gloat. Again. Morgan thinks the fact that Death Kitty chose that exact moment to sit on House’s computer means score one for the cosmos, score zero for science, logic, and reason. Morgan also says that she checked up on William Miller, and his followers never faded. House thinks this is because his followers were as deluded as he was. “Maybe he just gave them something to live for,” Morgan muses. “Feel better,” House says as he leaves.
House heads back into his office and sits down on his chair to play with his Hot Wheels before bounding upright. He pats the seat of the chair, smells his hand and yells, “Kumar! Cat pee on my chair?” “Blood on my face?” Kumar counters. “Fake blood! You’re paying for the dry-cleaning,” House responds before hobbling out of the office. “Why are you still alive?” Thirteen asks when he’s gone. “I’m not sure,” Kumar says, still holding his breath. “I guess he’s impressed you stood up to him — and got a cat to pee on his chair,” Thirteen says, pointing out the obvious for those of us who were too busy drinking during this episode to connect the dots ourselves. “Yeah. A cat…” Kumar says eeeevilly. First? Ew. And second? EWWWW.
As House leaves, Taub comes up the elevator with a box of bear claws. “See you tomorrow,” House says. “Yeah,” Taub grumbles. He sits down on a table in House’s office and looks dejectedly at the floor until the Death Kitty comes up to him and meows, tail twitching. Taub stares at it and…. scene.
Hrm. Well, the medicine seemed like it was all over the place this episode, and the writers really seem to like this ‘House vs. Faith’ conflict, because they seem to use it every other week. However, Taub’s journey was tragically fun to watch, as was House’s obsession with the Death Kitty. Plus, it was actually an episode about, y’know, House. And he was spot-on in the dialog. I did like that Cuddy seems to be back to her mischevious self, as the psuedo-post partum storyline was starting to get me depressed as well. Plus, I really enjoyed Judy Greer’s performance.
Next week on House: Nothing new until May 30th — sorry, kiddies! I hear it has to do with “locked in” syndrome, though.
Follow Us
