Parenting is an obligation you cannot be careless about. How your child turns out will always reflect how you raised them and the environment in which they grow up. And if you mess up, your son or daughter will likely feel the effects for the rest of their life.
These people are sharing what the messed-up parenting practices they endured and are continuing to deal with, in some way. Some of them are about inconsistent rules, while others were stories about getting berated for having a different opinion.
If you’re a product of what you think is toxic parenting, we would love to hear your insights in the comments.
#1
Making fun of or teasing them for their romantic interests. Adolescents aren’t confident. They already feel foolish. It’s like kicking a pet. And it can have the effect of delaying and ruining their confidence with romantic interests.
Image source: FalstaffsMind, Getty Images / Unsplash
#2
Helicopter parenting. Mine was to the point of total isolation. I wasn’t allowed to go to school (I got pulled out and home schooled), go in my backyard, or even visit friends without a parent present until I was 18.
Image source: 10CloverfieldPain, Andrej Lišakov / Unsplash
#3
Telling the kid they can always be honest and tell the truth, then going nuclear when they do.
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#4
Inconsistent rules. If you say “no X until you have finished Y” enforce it. If you don’t mean it, don’t say it. If you as a parent don’t have the discipline to enforce the rules you make, how can you expect your child to learn anything positive about discipline or rules?
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#5
Berating them when they have different opinion than yours. This forces them to keep their thoughts to themselves.
Image source: deria_martell, Getty Images
#6
Making them “finish their plate,” every time, regardless. Shaming them for eating too much / too little.
Best way to encourage an eating disorder at an early age.
Image source: crsuperman34, Helena Lopes
#7
Playing the victim card whenever something goes wrong. The child will adopt a similar reaction to problems when they occur and no one will get anywhere productively.
Image source: anon, Curated Lifestyle
#8
Not being present when they are excited about anything. On your phone, txting, watching tv, playing games etc.
Kids are exploring their world and making discoverys all the time. This is the perfect opportunity to boost up their self esteem by encouraging and telling them how smart and awesome they are. Its also a great bonding experience where they will look up to you.
Nothing more defeating than finding a discovery and then getting in trouble for it.
Image source: pplslamp420, Getty Images
#9
Forcing an older child to wait a certain amount of time before they are granted a luxury and then not making a younger sibling wait that same amount of time before they get that same luxury.
It teaches the older child that the younger is the favorite and leads to a lot of resentment from the older child both towards the parents and the younger sibling.
Image source: anon, Jess Zoerb
#10
Shaming the kids for mistakes they make such as bed wetting, spilling things, etc. people make mistakes and kids need to know it’s okay to mess up sometimes.
Image source: krys678, Ivonne Lecou
#11
Not allowing your child to be angry. I see it so many times with friend’s kids or relatives. Children get mad and react and the adult immediately says something along the lines of “fix your attitude”. Children have emotions too and need to be taught to express and work through them in order to be a part of civilized society.
Image source: emilita29, Mick Haupt
#12
Using your kid as a joke. Like doing or saying something to get a reaction out of them for an audience.
Image source: Redbronze1019, Polina Kuzovkova
#13
Basing their entire worth on achievement.
How many “smart kids” from elementary school do you know that have trash mental health now? Probably a lot.
Image source: anon, Getty Images
#14
Here’s an iPad, now leave me alone.
Image source: anon, Nils Huenerfuerst
#15
Using your kid as your therapist. Your kid will want to make you feel better, and they might be very good at emotional support. It’ll seem easy. The fallout doesn’t happen until a decade or two down the road. You’re there to support your kid, not the other way around.
Image source: singularjame, Sandra Seitamaa
#16
Just generally treating kids like they’re somehow below you. Everyone’s just as much of a person, and generally speaking people all have a similar capacity for intelligence. Your kids aren’t dumber than you and they don’t have to arbitrarily reach a certain age to be your equal, the only reason they don’t know as much as you is they haven’t been around as long as you have/haven’t had the life experiences you’ve had.
You don’t have to dumb yourself down to deal with kids, you just have to approach things in a way that makes sense to them based on where they are in life.
Image source: astaten0
#17
Screaming at your child until they don’t know right from left then being overtly kind to pull them in closer.
Breeds all sorts of anger issues, trust issues and resentment.
Continually bragging about things your child is not proud of to other people. Cheapens the experience being shared, & the annoyance company inevitably feels makes you afraid of the limelight. The connection with the parent also feels more superficial.
Any kind of “being harder to make them hard” kind of treatment. I get saying “no” when necessary but teaching a child that the pain their own family inflicts on them is for the sake of growth will either make the child passive or feel like a martyr.
Image source: dzyrider
#18
Being too focused on money.
We were lower middle class growing up, but my mom was always so fixated on how much everything cost that it kind of messed me up. Even though I’m comfortably middle class, probably upper middle class, I still find myself focused on the price of everything. I can’t bring myself to buy anything full price even though I can afford it. I have a hard time throwing things away because I spent money on them or because they could be reused.
Image source: usehernamechexout
#19
One I havent seen yet is, opposed to being a helicopter parent, being completely absent from their life and giving them no sense of responsibility, discipline or accountability.
My mom who I lived with for the majority of my childhood did *nothing* to prepare us for the real world. We were never even asked to cook, clean, do our homework, brush our teeth, etc.
I only started learning at like 12 or 13 because my dad took it upon himself to show me.
And those all sound like simple tasks but when you grow up not being expected to, certain habits like cleaning up after yourself or brushing your teeth *can* be challenging to get into when its so easy to just…not do it.
Image source: Generous_lions
#20
Punishing emotions and the reaction instead of teaching emotional control and accountability for one’s actions.
Image source: Cursethewind
#21
When losing an argument the parent doubles down and doesn’t acknowledge they may be wrong. Like ever.
Something- problem with authority figures -something.
Image source: anon
#22
Raising boys with the goal of “damage control”. IE, assuming he’s a monster and then trying to “correct for it”.
Image source: geezerblab
#23
Saying “Because I said so”, or “I’m the mother/Father”. Thanks for the lack of logical sense.
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#24
Just getting them in trouble without taking time after the situation is over and taking about it. Parenting takes time, and if you don’t go talk to your kids after, you aren’t doing your job.
Here is what you did. What were you thinking when you did it? What was your perspective? Okay now that I understand what your position was before it happened, what are some other ways you could have dealt with that in another manner? If someone did that to YOU, what could they done instead that YOU would be most responsive to?
Just questions like that. Don’t talk AT them, talk WITH them. Go on a journey together and find a better way.
Let them know what the punishment is for their action (and ideal punishments make the situation right, they arent just aimless “go to your room” punishments). You are now going to save your money by doing their chores for them, and use that money to replace the thing you broke. That kind of thing.
Make sure they know to you love them. That they know you are there for them. That they know you would have their back if this was done to them. And that making things right is what adults do, and you think they are ready to start adult training, because they are a very mature kid that you are very proud of.
Image source: Suuperdad
#25
Divorced parents;
DO NOT USE YOUR CHILDREN AS LEVERAGE!
DO NOT TEACH YOUR KIDS TO HATE THE OTHER PARENT
I can not all caps enough! My parents went through a divorce so messy it was in iur state newspapers. My mother treated me and my sister as property not children, and she attempted to teach us to hate our father.
I spent years influences by this. When I lived on my own as an adult I realized just how messed it all was. Thankfully my dad is literally the nicest person in the world it just took forever to realize it…
It messes up kids for years, self-esteem issues, emotional growth, and overall a jaded perspective. Please don’t.
Image source: vasaryo
#26
Joking about your child not getting A’s on their assignments, report cards, etc. While it’s nice that you want them succeed and be good at what they’re learning, it doesn’t mean they’re actually learning. Plus it makes them feel as if what they do is never good enough and make them constantly desire validation with everything they do.
Also, not letting them go out and do after school activities. If they have to fight to do something they’re interested in then eventually they’ll stop fighting and just become a recluse with no useful social skills or skills that jobs desire.
Image source: loiwhat
#27
Kicking a kid out.
It’s been 23 years. I move every year like clockwork and can’t stay in one place because I’m still looking for a home. Every time my husband I had a disagreement for the first three years of our marriage I started packing so I could leave before he kicked me out, which he would never do. I assume everyone will get rid of me if I’m not perfect. I serial quit jobs because I don’t want to face any rejection such as being fired, so as soon as things aren’t 100 percent I get scared and run.
Not only did my mother kick me out at 15, she lied to children’s services and said I just wouldn’t come home. But every time I tried to go home I wasn’t allowed in or she would attack me in a way that didn’t leave marks until I got scared and took off. Since children’s services and my school didn’t help me I ended up not trusting anyone to help me. She eventually must have been getting some heat from children’s services because she hit herself while I was there and called the police to say I made scratches on her. Then children’s services wouldn’t help me, no one would and because I was under charges I got kicked out of school. I ended up on the streets, hitchhiking in the rain in November with no jacket because she said I didn’t own one when the cops came. The cops dropped me off at the most dangerous highway and told me to figure out a way to a friend or family members house.
And since 15 is a vulnerable age, I attracted people who hurt me and used me. Pure sociopaths. But since the authorities never helped me before because my mother would lie, I didn’t trust them to help me then.
My mother also refused to let me have a bedroom for two years before kicking me out and I slept wherever I could meaning if someone was watching tv I didn’t get to sleep until they were done. Until I married my husband ten years later I just passed out wherever despite having a bed because I was taught beds were for good people and I wasn’t good.
Also, treating your kid with differing expectations, as though they are less than even their friends and siblings. I didn’t consider myself a person with the same rights as other people from about age 3. It led to a lot of hurt because I figured I didn’t have the same rights as everyone else.
The good news is, I don’t have anything to do with that psycho. None of us do. She can explain to all the people she spoke badly about me to why none of her children speak to her. I make good money and sleep in a super fancy bed now. I make more money in a year than she does in a decade. It took awhile to get over all the things, and I’m still working on it, but I didn’t turn out like her.
Image source: anon
#28
Giving children no privacy.
Just because it’s your kids doesn’t mean that they are extensions of yourself and shouldn’t be allowed secrets and a personal life.
Image source: marshroom7
#29
I think a modern development that’s pretty bad for children is over scheduling. There is pressure to have your children doing lots of activities, either at home or additional classes and sports and so on. Some of that is great obviously and it’s always good to give a child access to the resources they need that might make them thrive or to pursue a hobby they enjoy.
But it gets taken too far in some cases and some people won’t let their children rest or relax unless they are doing something educational and productive. I think that creates neurotic adults who get stressed and never feel that what they do is good enough. I suspect it’s a factor in some people having mental breakdowns too.
Learning to relax is a life skill too.
Image source: Waitingforadragon
#30
Never allow their kids to express their emotions. I wasn’t allowed to cry or get visibly upset, and for a long time, this forced me to adopt bad coping habits where I would scratch at my skin until I bled or pulled my hair out. I still can’t handle conflict well.
Image source: akraft96
#31
Making a kid clean their plate or letting them eat without regulation.
As someone with an eating disorder, free access to cereal after school and then having to clean my plate every night meant I was obese by fourth grade
I wish my parents had paid more attention to what I was eating and not so much time demanding I eat everything presented to me.
Image source: anon
#32
Never telling your child no. I see parents all too often never telling them no and negotiating with them. How will they ever be successful in life if they have no consequences because parents never say no or cave in to every whim?
Image source: lilshells313
#33
Teaching them to fear authority by policing their every move. Not allowing them to make some of their own decisions or have a say in what happens in their lives. Refusing to listen to their opinions and speaking over them, I think the most damaging thing my father has ever done to me was not allowing me to share my point of view or talk back to him in any way. It made me dangerously submissive and allowed me to get myself into situations that could have been avoided if I knew how to say “no”.
Image source: scomixio
#34
Punishing them for telling the truth
Treating the relationship like they were assigned to live together, rather than being an affectionate family
Subtly indoctrinating them to think everything you morally oppose will k**l you
Treating them like a baby when they’re a legal adult
Say “don’t compare yourself to others” then proceed to compare the kid to others
“I’m right because I’m the adult and you’re just a kid” or “because I said so”
Acting like their life is over if they get a C in a class
Making inflammatory statements then punishing them when they get upset
I can bring up many more things I believe have turned me into a socially incompetent, emotionally confused, and probably dysthymic high school senior.
Image source: Manatee_Madness
#35
Putting too much of an emphasis on college, grades, etc. I’m a senior now and I’m seeing many kids going down bad paths because their parents told them they have to have all As and go to an Ivy. It’s rediculous the amount of pressure this is putting on students.
Image source: AJ2100
#36
Teaching girls that their looks are the most important thing about them. Tell girls they’re smart, brave, etc. It’s not fair to only say “oh she’s so pretty” and make this the one thing girls expect to be complimented on. This goes hand in hand with encouraging body issues at a young age. I remember mom telling me at 9 that the piece of bread I was eating would go to my hips… I was already under BMI.
Image source: anon
#37
Let’s see:
1. Mom is a hoarder, could never have friends over
2. My sister many years before me was a wild one and resulted in me not allowed to go to friends house.
3. No acknowledgement that puberty was a thing and the wonderful horror that was my first period
4. Going clothes shopping when you don’t have a lot of money generally means buying up one or two sizes. I didn’t have properly fitting clothes until I made my own money and bought my own clothes
5. My mom and dad stayed together for my sake when they really should have split when I was four or five. I did not have a healthy romantic relationship modeled at all.
The result was I am kind of socially incompetent, fashion sense is severely lacking, can’t do makeup and don’t have the confidence for it, and will only spend a Max of 3 days at my mom’s house per year, over Christmas.
Image source: indigoassassin
#38
Parents that are too strict when it comes to tv/movie/video game content.
They won’t be able to socialize like normal kids.
Image source: Banana_Flavor
#39
Never accepting your kid is right and that you are wrong sometimes. Never letting your kid gain confidence in their opinion.
Sometimes, you owe your kid a big apology and don’t get mad when your kid speaks back to you, it’s called a debate.
Image source: EMC1894
#40
Giving toddlers tablets, and small children phones. There’s a reason why tech giants raise their own children device free.
Image source: RoryRabideau
#41
Acting like they’re incapable of feeling stressed or sad and telling them they’re just looking for attention when they try to talk about it.
Image source: lefthandruler
#42
Not talking to your child in an age appropriate manner about appropriate things
Thanks Mom. I don’t really need to know how much of a baby you think my dad is because he needed time to grieve my still born older sister.
Image source: moonshineboom
#43
– telling boys they have to ‘man up’ anytime they show any signs of sadness.
– teaching girls that it’s okay to hit boys because they can’t hit back or they boy will be in trouble.
– raising the kids to think they’re the most important people in the world, so they get snobby and obnoxious and bratty.
– giving kids a tablet or phone to be on all day instead of spending quality time with them. if you need a break now and again then fine, but not when this is all day, every day.
– demonstrating any bad behavior in front of the child, such as: shoplifting, bullying others, screaming at cashiers for something they can’t help, etc.
– allowing them to hurt an animal. Too many times do people let their kids smack dogs and cats to the point where the animal has finally had enough, and then the animal is blamed and deemed aggressive.
Image source: Cyanide_Kitty_101
#44
Making it really hard to tell them things. My mom always freaks out when I tell her anything, and then as a defense mechanism she makes fun of whatever it is that I’ve told her.
I switched my major to criminal justice and she freaked out saying well good thing you don’t want to be a cop, you were always so sensitive, you’d look pretty dumb crying in the uniform when someone says something mean to you.
Thanks mom.
Image source: Katieroowe
#45
Getting mad at them for crying. Like how about finding out why they’re crying and talking to them about it, even if it’s just to make them realize they don’t really have to cry about it? Apparently talking for some parents is overrated.
Image source: hetplay7
#46
Staying in a loveless/unhappy relationship “for the kids”. One, your kids know you’re miserable. Two, they learn how relationships work from you–do you want them to have a relationship like yours?
Image source: hytone
#47
Any form of helicopter parenting. It’s going to ensure they can’t find for themselves.
Image source: SexThePeasants
#48
Threatening to do something when they’re misbehaving and then never doing it. All you’re* doing is making yourself difficult to believe and the threats will eventually have zero chance of working.
Saying, “I won’t get mad if you tell the truth” and then getting mad. This teaches them that the truth is bad and that lying at least has a chance of getting away with no punishment.
Image source: FluffyPhoenix
#49
My parents loved to pull the “there are starving children in Africa!” line to get me to eat everything on my plate. I understand children are picky eaters and need nutrition and such, but they also need to learn how to regulate their own sense of hunger/satiation.
I started off as an over eater, and became heavy, then I started starving myself to lose weight. Then I stopped and gained a ton of weight. It’s taken me decades to develop a healthy relationship with food and to learn how to manage my weight.
Image source: ElleFuego
#50
Being anti-vaxx.
Image source: animaimmortale
#51
Letting your friends belittle and laugh at him.
Image source: mrd-uyi
#52
Giving them whatever they want; especially when you’ve said no once. This is when they stop taking no for an answer.
Giving yourself more priority over them – sums up almost everything one shouldn’t do to their loved ones. Treat all of family equally.
Image source: Speedykeval
#53
Doing everything for them.
Image source: sumofitsparts
#54
Not supporting their interests, or only supporting what you view as “worth it”. I tried a lot of different things as a kid, trying to find myself, as I’m sure most kids do. Parents stopped showing up to concerts because “well the band isn’t very good”, or soccer games when we had a losing record. I remember getting yelled at for wasting my time with sports if we weren’t going to win. Was told going into college that theater wasn’t worth pursuing because it isn’t a “safe” career. The only real encouragement I got was when it came to academics (it will possibly not come as a surprise that my dad works in academia).
Now nearly a decade out of college, no real career after trying and burning out on two grad school programs, primarily from some heavy anxiety even completing assignments if they weren’t going to be perfect. I wish I had pursued something I was passionate about, instead of dropping them one at a time because they weren’t “worth it”.
Image source: PirateGoesYar
#55
Never saying “I love you” and never hugging them.
Image source: Andrei___
#56
Spending time on a phone instead of paying attention to a crying kid.
Image source: artemii7
#57
Giving them 0 understanding of the value of money.
A good friend from home has a very wealthy family. They buy him (24) new cars, let him live at home rent free when he has a decent job with the family business.
If we go on a night out he will spend in excess of £500 on drinks for everyone. He once had £400 in notes and was buying drinks – realised he was out, and I stepped in to insist I get the round, he pulled out his card and said “no worries!”. He’s a great guy and honestly his family are lovely people, but he’s just got no understanding of what money means, and I dread to think how he would handle things if, god forbid, something happened to the endless supply of money.
In his own head he’s doing something nice for his friends, no matter how much we try and pay.
Image source: Comadness
#58
Kicking the kid out of the house after CPS shows up because the kid told his school counselor about the incident where you put the kid in a headlock because the kid and his little brother were horsing around.
Image source: anon
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